My wife was okay with that. I had faith in Christ but little faith in men who claimed to speak for Him.
So an LDS ceremony was out of the question never mind a Temple sealing. But the longer my wife and I were together the more the church came up. At first it was just attending church on occasion, then it was taking our then ten year old to missionary talks for her baptism( previous bishop was too busy judging my wife and her kids to bother with making sure the child was baptized at 8.)
After all those lessons with the missionaries I felt better about having a relationship with the church. I made peace with all the issues that I had or that sonny, many people have these days. I can't excuse these issues but I can make peace with them.
And not long after I decided I wanted to be fully involved with church.
At this point my wife and I discussed a Temple sealing. But there were many things we needed to sort through. So we set the idea on the back burner for a time.
At this point my wife and I were fighting a lot. We often couldn't make even a short car ride without a huge fight. Our kids were upset often because we fought so much.
We discussed divorce a few times. It didn't just look like then end, it felt like the end. I felt unwanted, unloveable and despised. I was suicidal. The only reason I didn't give into that was because as I wrote in my post "Your own personal Jesus" I had begged for a second chance at life and was given it. I couldn't throw it back at Christ and say it wasn't good enough.
I had to pull myself together and find a way to save my marriage. But I was shutting down and was all out of ideas.
And then came marriage counseling. We strategize do on the therapists couch but we put those plans into action daily and our marriage improved. We still had fights but now we would discuss what we felt and why we felt it rather than attacking one another.
And in the last 2 years we have been stronger and happier together than we ever have. Our therapist said that we made a good team, that we were better together than we ever were apart.
And that was my lightbulb moment; when I realized that before we are husband and wife we are a team. That must come first to avoid any breakdown in the system.
That and my friend Rock Waterman told me that I can fight for my wife or I can fight with her but I can only ever do one.
To put the responsibility and weight of an eternal covenant I truly couldn't fathom before I understood what marriage truly means and entails may have broken my marriage.
A couple in my ward were pressured into a Temple sealing by our last bishop. They were not ready and they knew it and when they felt the weight of all of it they divorced. I've seen this happen to many marriages.
It's a fine goal to have but it is best to wait until one is honestly and truly ready for it. You might feel obliged or pressured but those are tactics of control not of understanding and compassion.
Until I understood what marriage truly meant, until I understood the gravity of the Temple covenants I could not have made them and followed through with them.
You're not a failure for not being ready to make those or any covenants. Just like you wouldn't issue a drivers license without drivers ed, you shouldn't jump to a Temple marriage before you are ready. Even if your spouse or your family are ready for you, until you are ready don't.
I'm glad my wife and I have waited. Because it means more to me now that I better understand the covenants we will be making. Without that understanding simply repeating the words would have been meaningless.
Whereas now those covenants are more meaningful than I ever imagined.
