Wow…I’m not sure what to say about this episode…I really don’t. You know it’s bad when…the tweets on Twitter keep you more entertained than the show all of you are watching and tweeting about. Well, that pretty much sums up how I felt after watching the True Blood Season 7 premiere “Jesus Gonna Be Here”.
You’ll soon see why in my recap and review.
WARNING: If you have not watched the episode…this WILL contain spoilers. Read at your own risk!
The episode started off with a continuation from last season, when the Hep V vamps attacked Merlotte’s oops, or should I say…Bellefleurs? I’ll never get used to that name. To say the attack was a blood bath, would be like saying I prefer hard liquor over beer…which is true by the way…and something I’ve been drinking all day because I knew this episode would be hard to get through without it. So please excuse any mistakes in my drunken review…
Arlene, Holly, a very pregnant Nicole and Kevin were taken by the Hep V vamps and are the reason why everyone is looking for them.
The major main character death within the first ten minutes of the show and before the credits rolled…? Yeah, Tara Thornton. As if we couldn’t see that coming from a mile away…I think I’m more shocked by the fact they didn’t SHOW it, and Sookie’s reaction (of which there was hardly any – except a tear)…than the fact Tara died. Call me, NOT surprised…anybody who’s followed any kind of spoilers this season knew there was a considerable lack of Tara spoilers this year. FWIW…I think Tara is truly dead and gone, even though Pam never felt Tara’s death when it happened. They just want to leave us with a little room for doubt.
Anyways…on with my review.
Aftermath of the Bloodbath
As I said, there was an attack at Bellefleurs, which led to Holly, Arlene, Nicole and Kevin getting kidnapped. One of the attacking vamps asked the ever popular question on this show, “What are you?” to Sookie. The attack ended when we heard someone whistle. Hmmm…who could THAT be? And then people are looking for survivors and trying to figure out who all died. Alcide and Sam went off in wolf and dog form to chase after the Hep V vamps to save Nicole, et all. Lettie Mae was holding Tara’s remains in her hands, as she cried for her baby girl.
Jason called Andy and told him what had happened and about Holly getting kidnapped. Who, in turn told Jessica and asks her to protect Adilyn even though she’s a fairy and Jessica almost killed her before. Makes sense, doesn’t it? But of course…Adilyn is NOT to invite Jessica in. Like, OMG…REALLY? Is that going to stop Jessica if she’s REALLY wanting to feed on Adilyn?
Meanwhile, Sookie is sitting at the bar, eavesdropping in on everyone’s thoughts. Of course they blame her – because she’s a vampire whore, who’s ALWAYS to blame because the show wouldn’t be anything without having Sookie being the target of everyone’s hatred. (I hope you sensed my sarcasm just now.)
Sam and Alcide come back and Vince (who ran against Sam in the mayoral election) spies on Sam as he’s shifting from a dog back into a man. Later on, Sam is confronted by Vince who wants to tell everyone what he saw. Sam convinces him otherwise, because it will only make Vince look crazy, and they have enough to deal with.
Sam and Bill tell everyone to pair up human/vampire and to go home. Sam, Bill, Jason, Alcide and Andy organize a search party for the kidnapped victims.
The Search
Andy and Bill find where the Hep V vamps have been nesting and the dead bodies they have been feeding on too. But it’s not where they’ve taken Arlene, Holly, Nicole and Kevin – much to their dismay. Instead, they find a group of townspeople, who want to kill Bill because the vampires are to blame. You have NO idea how much I was hoping this would happen…but no such luck. Andy convinces them he’s on their side, but the history between him and Bill will have to wait for another time. DAMN. They convince the townspeople to leave.
Andy drops Bill off at his house and tells him they will only work together to get rid of the Hep V vamps. Nothing Bill will ever do will make up for what he did to his family. Cue, Bill’s flashback number 1313…where he remembers saying goodbye to his family before the Civil War. YAWN.
This girl’s gone crazy
Lettie Mae is high off Willa’s blood and freaks out because she think Tara isn’t in heaven. The Reverend calms her down. He tries to comfort Willa, who is all alone. Eric’s gone. Pam’s gone. She can’t go back to Tara’s because everything will remind her she’s dead. The reverend lets her spend the night in the church’s basement.
I feel really bad for Willa. She’s a newborn vampire and she’s all alone.
Wanna Be My BFF?
Back at the Bellefleurs…Jessica and Adilyn have a lengthy discussion about the night Jessica killed Adilyn’s sisters and almost killed her. Adilyn should hate her for what she did, but she doesn’t. She forgives her, which brings Jessica to tears. They have small girltalk about James and who Adilyn has a crush on, only to be interrupted because a Hep V infected vamp shows up and asks, “What are you?” to Adilyn. There’s that question again…geez, have they NEVER heard of fairies before? Jessica wants Adilyn to drink her blood so she will always know where she is and can protect her and Adilyn does. With the sun rising, Adilyn decides to ignore her daddy and invites Jessica in so she won’t burn up in the sun. But the Hep V vamp wasn’t as lucky.
When Jason’s blue balls turn Violet
Jason and Violet go to search one of the places they were told to go, but come across a small group of townspeople (the same ones Bill and Andy run into) who are also searching. Jason tells them to leave, but the townpeople refuse to go. Violet steps in, not realizing that she just made Jason look weak. She threatens the townspeople with their small dicks and cutting off the female’s head. Scared, they leave.
Later, Jason stops the car on the side of the road. The two have a heated fucking discussion, and decide to fuck (and I mean, fuck, fucking, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck – for fuck’s sake!) out their anger on the hood of Jason’s police car.
Thanks TB…their goes another one of our good memories..of Eric and Sookie having almost-sex on the hood of a car. Are they ever going to give us one sex scene from the books (which shall remain nameless)?
Gimme some of what you’re smokin’
I was wishing Lafayette and James would pass around the bong to more people, like me – since that would be the only way any of this episode would make sense to me. But alas…
Lafayette and James are paired up. They go to Lafayette’s house, where James tells Lafayette how he was turned while sharing a big bong. James is convinced that nothing they say or do matters to those they’ve lost. After his story, Lafayette lets James drink from him.
Found ‘Em
The viewers were shown where the Hep V vamps had taken their victims. Holly, Arlene, Nicole and Kevin are chained up in the basement at…drum roll please! Fangtasia…of all places! I have a feeling if Eric wasn’t gone, these Hep V vamps wouldn’t be hiding in his place of business (and pleasure). Holly tries to keep everyone calm, but a vamp comes down the basement steps, grabs Kevin, and kills him before their very eyes! Which makes everyone scream; including Holly. Goodbye Kevin.
Smart Sookie Is Really Dead & Gone
We have the return of Dumb Sookie once again…she hears Alcide’s thoughts. He will never understand how she can love vampires. If only they had walked away before all of this, they wouldn’t be in this mess right now. Of course, Sookie is hurt hearing this and runs out of Bellefleurs into the woods. She proceeds to ignore her phone and throws it away (this won’t come in handy if she is attacked and tries to call for help). She eventually finds the body of a dead blonde woman (is this prophetic?) in the woods.
Alcide comes to Sookie’s house, and confronts her about walking home alone after having been attacked earlier that night. Sookie tells him it’s because she read his thoughts as well as everyone else’s. Everyone is blaming her for what happened. She can’t believe even he would blame her too. Tara’s dead, and she wants to be left alone.
Sookie later comes to bed and apologizes to Alcide. And what happens next; made me puke…Sookicide sex. My eyes! I don’t get how Sookie could want to have sex with someone who blames her for everything? And basically calling her stupid, without actually calling her stupid. But I really can’t blame him for giving her shit either – because he’s right.
The next morning, they go to the church, where all of the town is gathered. Sookie sits behind Lettie Mae and puts her hand on her shoulder in order to comfort her. But Lettie Mae isn’t having none of it. She blames Sookie for Tara’s death. Sookie hears similar thoughts from others in the church and rushes out. She turns around and tries to reason with them and offers to help them if they’ll let her.
You’re probably wondering what’s going on with Eric?
“Where the fuck is my maker?”
Which is the question on everyone’s minds…
Pam is searching the world for Eric. We find her in Morocco, standing in a bucket and playing Russian Roulette – vampire style with another vampire. They have to shoot each other with a gun that has silver bullets. Of course, Pam always gets the best lines. One of the best this episode? When they ask Pam her name, and she tells them to “go fuck yourselves”. She and this vampire she’s playing Russian Roulette with; have a deep theological discussion about each other’s Gods. Pam’s God doesn’t like her, so she fully expects she’ll be having a “circle jerk with the Devil”. (Another great line by Pam.) Pam wins, and then demands to know “where the fuck is her maker”? They give her the name of someone she needs to see.
Pam finds the person she needs to see and they offer her a child to feed on. Child blood is the only clean blood in North Africa. She refuses. She’s handed a map, which will lead her to Eric. After looking at the map, Pam thinks it’s a mistake. Eric would never. The man tells her the info is accurate, and what she does with it is her choice.
As you can see… No Eric in this episode, which isn’t surprising to me either, since TV Guide told us he’ll show up in episode 2. But what pissed me off was…he wasn’t even listed in the credits at the beginning of the show. It’s like they’re writing him off already…
If you don’t believe me…I took a screencap of it on my phone while watching it. Sorry for the poor quality…but his name usually shows up here and…nothing.
The only highlights for me were; when Pam was searching for Eric. And when Jessica and Adilyn had their talk about boys. As I said before, reading followers tweets on Twitter was more entertaining. As you can see from the tweets below.
True Blood without Eric Northman is like pizza without cheese. #TrueToTheEnd
— Geneviève Lyons (@genevievelyons) June 23, 2014
A #TrueBlood without Eric is like sex without a climax.
— Roman Zimojic (@Roman_Zimojic) June 23, 2014
Missing: Eric Northman. If you’ve seen him, please return his hot Viking self to #TrueBlood where he is much needed pic.twitter.com/ksuCDctNVJ
— A Fool to Cry (@afooltocry) June 23, 2014
I really hope this season gets better eventually, but I fear I’ll be looking like the picture below before it does.
Overall, I rate it: 0.5 (only for Pam’s one-liners)
Ratings:
5= it was awesome
4= it was okay, but could be better
3= meh
2= bloody sucks
1= it fucking blows
0= cancel the show NOW
Hope you enjoyed my review. :)
What did you think? Please share your thoughts below.
