I have been quiet here on my blog of late.
Quiet because what I have been dealing with the last almost 8 weekshas been much too painful to share.
It has been a pain so deep
I literally thought I would loose my mind.
But now not sharing it seems dishonest.Like I am carrying a shameandit feels paralyzing and stifling.Like I can't break through of the ugly, ugly truth.
That my silence makes me have to
pretend to be
someone
I no longer am.
You see I have been dealing with
marital betrayal.His not mine.and it has changed me to my core.
My life changed on November 6th of this yearwhen the truth began to come out.
I can look on my Instagram of November 5thand recognize who I used to be.
I see a women who was solid in her stridetotally oblivious to the damage that had been perpetrated against her.
It is a pain that seems to grow sometimes with time
with the deepening knowledge that
marriage betrayal
becomes part of your life history.
It sometimes feels like it takes on a life of it's own.
Triggers, heartbreak and rage
seeping out
of what at times
feels like the deep, dark blue.
I was only here on my blog
looking backto pull pictures for my yearly Wardrobe RecapGoing back over the last yearand seeing ourDate Nightswas like a knife to my heartmaking breathing even a chore.
I never had any idea how devastating and shatteringmarriage betrayal could be.When I look at posts about our 30th AnniversaryI am sickened and humiliatedwondering if the pain will ever subsided.
Not that our marriage was perfect by any means.We had settled into a passionless day to daythat itself felt stifling.
A marriage where we were all too comfortable sleeping in separate rooms.
Our lives only overlapping mainly on Friday nights.
I even remember before our 30th anniversary in Septemberthinking if being married 30 years might just be indeed enough.
When my wedding ring
got a tear in the back
I was actually relieved to take it off.
But I also knew
I didn't want to destroy our family
and
our three adult children.We won't be leaving any of them with a large inheritenceI wanted to at least leave them with a stable home life.
I think I believed that our marriage was what being married 30 years looked like.Boring.Disconnected.
Comfortable.
Safe.
Responsible.
Even with this situationI never really belivedBetrayal by my husband was possible.(AlthoughI did have my suspicions.I started asking some questionsbecause my intuition made me.)
But when I found out the actual truth.It felt surreal.How could this really be happening tome.
By the man I had been absolutely loyal to for31 years in total.Not a perfect wife by any meansbut
a loyal one to a fault.
I had stopped my career as a fashion accessory designerto dedicate myself to our family.Did I over invest in my childrenat the expense of my marriagein hindsightmost likely.
I would definitely counsel others to do marriage and family differently.But by saying thatI am in no way taking blame for betrayal.But I would be a fool if I didn't take the timeto figure out how we got here.
I believe by only unwinding the road that got us here
will we have any chance at repairing the marriage.
Because
we both desperately want to stay together in a passionate quality marriage.
I also believe my husband is a good man
who made a terrible, soul crushing mistake.
If I didn't truly believe that
we would have been over November 6th.
As bad as his betrayal was
he has handled the aftermath with character, courage and integrity
never once backing away from taking responsibility
for what he has done.
I wouldn't be staying otherwise.
These last almost 8 weeks have been such an intense rollercoaster of emotions
from the predictable anger and rage
emotional devestation and shattering
to more surprising
a breaking open from the inside out.
A breaking out of self imposed rules and personas
on both sides.
He also began to change in a way
without his betrayal
he might never have.
My breaking open
made me realize that
I too deserved a passionate, joyful life.
That I have raised three wonderful young adults
and
now it's my time too.
With our breaking open
I once again began to see the man I fell in love with.
This man I recognize as
my one True Love.
My passion and love for him has been reignited.
Is our future sealed?
Absolutely not.
But what I am sure of is that
we will both do everything we can do to
Save Our Marriage.
From individual counseling, marriage counseling
to just as importantly
reprioritizing our marriage
to the top of our list.
I decided to write this post because
I want to move my
view of the betrayal
from feeling like a victim
to empowerment.
With this post
it is my intention
to move myself from continual blame and anger
to
making a plan of healing and rebuilding our marriage.
Because
the situation is what it is.
But I have the power to decide where I want to go from here.
I choose to summon my courage and personal power
to fight for what I have realized I truly want.
A passionate loving marriage.
I know the path to truly rebuilding our marriage
will be long and arduous.
I can foresee forgiveness
but
the rebuilding of trust
will be monumental.
But I suppose it took us a long time to get here
so
patience, love and grace
in large supply
will be needed to get us to
where we want our marriage to be.
I also know I am a big believer in
taking the pain
and
truly looking at it
to feel it
and
then
take every single lesson
and
silver lining the situation
has to teach.
(Believe me, ironically there have already been so very many.)
I now remember what it is to have passion.
I remember what it feels like
to be so excited and happy to see my husband.
Feelings that had been absolutely dormant for too many years.
I also want to be able to share what I have learned
and
how it helped me
to continue to
Grow My Soul.
I know I will be writing about this for quite some time
on and off.
Because
sharing here
authentically
and
connecting
is what I love most about my blog.
It helps me in a truly cathartic way
to get the pain out.
And if by my sharing
it helps even one person
on their life journey
then the sharing will have been worth it.
And maybe, just maybe
in 5 years I will be able to write
no matter how bad the pain
betrayal
saved our marriage
in that it
woke us both up to the fact
we still cared
passionately about each other.
And we were both so much the better for it.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joy
as you style your life
