This blog is dedicated to my good friend Chris... who just informed me that HE'S.GETTING.MARRIED. & to all single men!
I truly believe that being married twice (almost three times) has taught me plenty and therefore, I have gained vast knowledge which I would like to share and pass along, with some advice to all single guys. Don't get me wrong, being married can be awesome and I wouldn't have traded it for anything. BUT, there is one thing that you single guys will want to make note of and that is:
You are signing up to be not much more than a glorified household appliance!
It isn't really a huge deal, but I've had this conversation with a few men and they all agree with me. Once you meet the lady of your dreams and decide to "tie the knot", you will be transformed into a one touch super home appliance. No, it won't be written into your wedding vows, but I recommend you accept it as fact.
You will become a jar opener.Before EX wife # 2 and I were married she always stocked pickles in her refrigerator. Other than on the weekends, we didn't live together, but somehow she managed to open the jar. After getting married, women become physically unable to open jars. She still loved pickles, but was now unable to have them without going through me. EX wife # 2 had no problem picking up the ass-end of a snowmobile to position it, but jars were impossible to open.
You will become a reacher.I've come to believe that after marriage the step stool becomes obsolete. Everybody has heard a woman say she refuses to be involved with anyone shorter than her. This is her natural instinct. Your value as a guy decreases if you can't reach the top shelf.
You will become a pet cleaner/pooper scooper.If your dog ever sh**ts or vomits in your house, be prepared to clean it. This is one of the smellier jobs out there and your wife will throw a fit if she has to do this. There is a silver lining, though. Cleaning up your dogs mess means you probably won't have to cook, or do dishes for at least the next day or two.
You will become a pest controller/exterminator.If you're afraid of snakes, bugs, or spiders, you may want to get over it. As tough as my EX wife # 1 was, she can't handle anything creepy. Just try not to be a pussy about this one.
You will become cheap bubble wrap.Have you ever popped bubble wrap just for fun? She's going to start popping things on you. You can get zits on your back that aren't even there. It would be easier and much less painful for you to do on your own, but she will want to do it. It's hard to avoid getting things popped. Luckily it won't last too long.
You will become a piece of furniture.Your days of sitting comfortably on a couch will come to an end. She will rearrange you into something she can either lay on, and sit on. You'll be a pillow, a chair and a footrest all in one.
Overall, I guess it's not really all that bad being a glorified household appliance, but I just thought all you single guys should know what you are signing up for. You can send your thanks to [email protected] if you want but no need too. Us men have to look out for one another, regardless of our relationship status.
Just remember one VERY important thing - you can always barter your services for sexual favors.. aka: legalized spousal prostitution!
