I’m sorry to say that I’ve witnessed far too many conversations in which my friends attack other girls for their sexual experiences. I have finally had enough of the way teen girls (or women of all ages, for that matter) who have sex are regarded with prejudice. There are four specific aspects of this cultural “logic” about women and sex that I particularly don’t understand.
1. Who decides what constitutes “too much” sex?
Why do people think they can determine the limits of how much sex a person can acceptably have? I don’t believe that anyone has the right to set such standards for other women or men. I enjoy my sexual freedom and don’t believe that other people’s sexual choices or ideas about sex should have any bearing on my own lifestyle or lead them to view me as less of a person. A woman’s sex life is based on her own personal decisions and I don’t understand how her sexual encounters could ever affect anyone else to the point that judgment is justified. Sex is a natural thing and nobody should be shamed for having it.
2. Why must someone be in love to have sex?
The first time I had sex it was not with a person I loved but that doesn’t mean I regretted it. I had sex when I felt ready and comfortable and I’m glad I did. It’s great to wait to have sex with someone you love, but not all of us need that reassurance or to harbor those types of feelings to want to have sex, either. I can only speak for myself, but I believe that being in love with the person I first had sex with would have made the experience more difficult for me at 16. I still don’t mix my physical and emotional attractions to people because at this point in my life I’m not looking for a lifelong partner and don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with that. I think we all need to have more realistic standards about love and sex at this age. I think many of us would benefit from recognizing that we can have sex just for pleasure and not out of love and shouldn’t be shamed for doing so.
3. What is with the concept of virginity?
I find it appalling that women are not just shamed for having too much sex, but are also shamed if they aren’t having any. I reject the concept of virginity because I believe it’s only used to suppress sexual expression. Nothing is “lost” during a person’s first time having sex except maybe a little bit of insecurity or shyness. The decision to have sex outside of marriage should be respected in the same way celibacy is: they are both choices. Further, whether a person has had sex 300 times or 0 should not have any bearing on their worth as a person. In fact, a person’s sexual partner “number” shouldn’t matter at all. People are people, sexually active or not.
4. Why do people believe boys are emotionally detached when it comes to sex?
When we talk about unfair sexual standards we usually focus on women, but boys are subjected to unfair standards as well. I’ve had plenty of male friends ask me why girls don’t find them suitable for a relationship just because they’ve had casual sex in the past. There’s a belief amongst some teen girls that if a guy has had casual sex, he must not be capable of having deeper feelings for or wanting a relationship with any women. Girls assume boys are completely unemotional about sex, and while it’s true that some boys (and girls) aren’t looking for emotional ties when they have sex, plenty of boys are perfectly capable of loving someone they have sex with despite past encounters. Just because a person has had a thorough sexual life without making any serious commitments in the past doesn’t mean they’re incapable of having relationships. By assuming that boys can’t harbor feelings for women they have sex with, we just reinforce unfair stereotypes about men being emotionless more generally. Remember that boys have feelings, too, despite what societal standards would have us believe.
I will continue to question these beliefs until we can all agree that everyone is entitled to a personally fulfilling sex life without condemning the sexual practices of others and hope you do, too.
