A new young priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. He delivered his first homily in a monotone, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I’m worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put vodka instead of water in a glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. That always calms me down.”
So next Sunday, the novice priest took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink from the “water” glass.
It worked! He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the Mass, he found a note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper. he said, “Take this and eat it, for this is my body.” He did not say, “Bite me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. At the sign of peace, we shake hands. We don’t fist bump.
14. The recommended grace before a meal is not “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yeah God.”
15. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
H/t FOTM’s Wild Bill Alaska!
~Eowyn
