Nicole D. Miller
Singleness: A Time for Self-Examination
by guest blogger and author, Nicole D. Miller MBA
2 Corinthians 13:5 (ESV) “Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?-Unless indeed you fail to meet the test!”
We as believers are clearly called to examine ourselves. And although the above passage speaks of spiritual examination, I think its wisdom to not only examine where we are spiritually, but to also examine our emotional, mental and physical state of being as well.
2 Peter 1:5-9 (MSG) “So don’t lose a minute building on what you’ve been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can’t see what’s right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.”
We are whole people, and God is not only concerned about our faith, but about our whole beings. As singles we have an opportunity to get healthy in every area of our lives apart from being distracted by a partner (1 Cor 7:33-34). We can actually be selfish! But in a good way :). A way that allows us to take time to fully develop in all areas to benefit our future marriages.
I was recently with a friend who shared she did not understand why she was still single. She is a wonderful woman. Full of faith and loyalty and servant hood. I mean she has some really great gifts and attributes and I agree she will make a great helpmate, when the time is right.
But even with her great qualities there is a lot of pain and trauma she is recovering from. I myself am in recovery from pain and trauma. It is my experience that when a person is not healed in those areas of pain they will surface in future relationships. So I know for me the Lord is choosing to heal me in my needed areas so that I do not carry them forward into future relationships. I have made this mistake in the past and it has led to more pain and more trauma.
We singles can be amazing people, with amazing hearts and not understand why is it that we are not “booed up”? But there is a difference between being cute and fun while dating and bearing with someone through the very ugliest parts of life.
The latter takes true character, perseverance and long suffering. If we are not demonstrating this character in singleness, how can we possibly demonstrate it in marriage?
We singles can also be unaware of our issues. Our own dysfunction. When singles are unaware of their own dysfunction, guess what happens? They attract other dysfunctional people and therefore have dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships. Are we called to be perfect to be in a relationship? Of course not. But since we are single, we ought to take advantage of this time to do a little self-examination.
One great test for me to see how I am doing on the scale of relational and personal health is to reflect on the most challenging relationship I have in my life. That usually consists of a family relationship or a work relationship. Depending on the day, either of these relationships could cause me to be easily angered, prideful, and unforgiving.
These relationships can cause me to be downright unattractive in my attitude and thought life. So I can measure where my heart is really at when reflecting on the latest interactions I have had with these individuals.
It is easy to put on a smile and be kind to people who do not get on your nerves. But how are you when dealing with that family member who gets under your skin or that coworker who is always trying to sabotage your work? How is your attitude when no one is looking? I’m learning that I need to first be a good steward in my current relationships before thinking of adding any more.
It can be difficult to see yourself. It seems we are all able to see others’ flaws more easily than our own (Matthew 7:3-5) so I also ask the Holy Spirit to show me my unhealthy areas. And if you’re really bold try asking someone who knows you well what areas they think you need to grow in, but make sure they are mature enough to speak the truth in love to you and not criticize.
We are all on a journey to reflect out true identity and the person God designed in His heart before the world began. Singleness is a great season to learn that true self and fully develop in needed areas to avoid unnecessary pain in future relationships.
Don’t waste your time rushing through this season but use it to better yourself. After all, you want to bring the very best version of you into your next relationship and I’m sure your future mate will appreciate your efforts!
~ Author and Blogger, Nicole Miller
Visit Nicole’s blog … His Love is Better Than Wine
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