I never had a good relationship with my sons dad, we broke up once or twice, he even got with my best friend, they were seeing each other behind my back. I forgave him straight away but took me until I was pregnant to forgive her (that was about a year) and she became one of the only 2 friends who stuck by me.
I remember there were a lot of fake profiles on facebook attacking us, sending abuse, telling me he was cheating on me, I was so annoyed, ready to end it with him. Until I was late, took the test at his house. I remember he went out the next day and cheated on me. We went to the last football match of the season and I had such a great time with his family (they are lovely people).
That night he went out again, I knew he would cheat on me and he did, I found out and was so angry, how dare he do that to me when I was pregnant. All the while I was going to the family planning clinic, I went on my own because he works nights and it was an early morning appointment. I went back to his house after and we talked and things carried on as normal, UNTIL he went out again (I must have been 3 months pregnant by that time) and again cheated on me, he dumped me and got with her, to this day I cannot remember how that happened, how he did it. I must have blocked it out.
She knew NOTHING about me but my goodness, I hated her.
Through all this I was still getting abuse, I had threats to beat the baby out of me (this went on till my child was about 4months) I was actually terrified, he knew nothing about it. I kept telling him to tell her in hope she would run a mile but that didn’t work. He was happy while I was alone and scared.
We went to the pub once, to talk and he asked me to get an abortion, I looked at him in disgust and said no, his reply was “but you had one before” I actually went to the toilet and threw up.
I went into town a lot, I remember my ex telling me off because he thought I was drinking, I laughed in his face and told him to F OFF, he was trying to get me to drink when we was together, what was the difference now.
When I was 5months I went on a course, met a boy, he was nothing but something to take my mind of things, a bit of fun, my ex at this point had to told me he wanted nothing to do with me and the baby. I had blocked the baby out of my mind, not accepted it. I wasn’t showing, it was easy. My ex found out about this boy and told me he is not allowed to be a dad to this baby, not allowed to come to any appointments. I replied to him with “you want nothing to do with us, yet you don’t want anybody else to either, so you want me to be alone”.
I remember writing on his bebo about it and he kicked of saying that his girlfriend didn’t like it – I think it was that, that set the course for a very rocky relationship between us. His girlfriend and I got chatting, she didn’t agree with how he was treating me. I don’t know how but some things got said and we ended up hating each other again.
I got chatting to this other girl, my ex and his girlfriend were friends with, she doesn’t know this but she was like my rock, i had friends but all they did was slag my ex and his girlfriend off, i did enjoy it but sometimes it was not what I needed. Finally a bit of relief from being alone, unsupported.
Both our families did not know, only his sister and brother and I think friends knew, mine didn’t, I was ashamed and I could not accept it, I was still not showing by 6months, I had not even gone to the midwife yet. When I went she told me off, I was in tears, she was right, she even gave me a box to hide my notes on from my parents, come my 3rd appointment my family knew.
I have still not thanked the people who helped. I went and hid in the toilet because they had come over for that reason only, to tell my parents, my parents accepted it more easily then I did. I had to text my ex’s family to tell them, his sister gave me his dads number, they had to know but it was not her place to tell them.
My ex told me that he was only involved because his dad said he should be or he would disown him, I remember this very clearly, if he was joking I did not care, I hated him, wanted him to be miserable so I set out to make his life as difficult as I could – I said some things I very much regret but my goodness the emotions running around in me needed to be let off. I wanted to actually die, even went to do it, got the water ready, my mom is very ill so has lots of pills, got the bag and sat ready but I couldn’t do it.
Between then and when I was 35 weeks nothing but the same old threats, arguments happened, getting accused of making up profiles when the same ones was threatening to kill me and the child.
I was 35 weeks gone when I gave birth. I was chatting to my ex’s girlfriend (when we was being nice to each other) I was getting discomfort, went and had a bath and the pains had gone, I got out and my mom asked me to go down the shop and even said to treat myself.
I got some custard creams (a craving I actually gave in to) and went back home, went and read a book, ate some biscuits but I couldn’t get comfortable, I went and had a clear out and then went downstairs, I was in there 10mins when my mom came and asked if I was OK, I let her in and right then my waters broke.
I text my ex, my dad phoned the midwife who told us to go to the hospital, I would not move, 5mins later I was pushing, my mom led me on the floor and 2minutes later my baby popped out, I was in disbelief, he was small wrinkly and yellow, he was crying. I had (for once) brought all the towels down from the toilet, all clean apart from the one I used, my dad was on the phone to 999 the operator asked if he could see the babies head, my dad replied that baby was out, the guy was in shock it went that fast and stayed on the phone until the ambulance got there.
They cut the cord and my mom had the first cuddle, well deserved for somebody who delivered him, she was on the phone to my aunty who came down the very next day. My ex had sent me a few angry texts, I had to get my mom to call him and he met us at the hospital.
After we got the placenta out we got in the ambulance, I did not want to hold the baby, I didn’t bond with him. He went into the care unit , I remember a lady there who had the tiniest baby ever. I looked at my baby and wondered why I didn’t feel the same as she did, the proud look on her face, I felt full of guilt.
We was in hospital about a week, my son was very jaundice and would not eat, I tried to breastfeed but couldn’t the midwife there made me feel like crap, the look she gave me when I said no, again I am a failure. I had no support. I cried myself to sleep every night at the hospital. My ex came in one day and said to me ‘you’ll be happy to know that my girlfriend is very mad at me because I did not tell her you gave birth, she found out over the internet” i told him to F OFF again.
When I got home, I still hadn’t bonded with my son, my family knew nothing of the turmoil I was in, my ex didn’t care. He kept messing us about. Not showing up when he said he was, he was texting my friend but leave it until the last minute. In the end if he was late I would go out, i’d wait an hour. He didn’t like coming to my house, always asked to go to my bedroom.
I was out in town not long after, I could still feel my lady bits hanging, throbbing. I was out almost every week, my parents never said anything. I was out one weekend and bumped into my ex, he got uncomfortably close, I knew then I felt nothing for him any more. He wanted me to go back to his, him and his girlfriend had broken up and he came running back to me. He drove to my house (yes drunk) and wanted to stay at mine, I told him to go home.
I met a guy, it was nothing again but a bit of fun, my ex got on my case about it, said that he had seen on bebo that they was taking drugs, I told him to prove it to me, send me the messages, he would not, he threatened he would go to the courts, I laughed and told him to go ahead, he wouldn’t make the effort to see his son so I didn’t believe he would spend all that money to go to court. He didn’t.
His girlfriend and I were still at each others throats, she tried to hurt me by telling me my ex cheated on me, I said the same thing back to her, told her a few truths and she went running back to him and then I got abuse from him. For some reason the threats to me had stopped.
When the midwife came round to check on us she realised that I had depression whilst I was pregnant. She was really sorry she had missed it. I do believe I had depression, the situation, the no support I had would have contribute towards it, was that why I had not bonded with my son so well?
When my son was about 4months, I had a fall out with my mother, we had a fight, she had my baby and would not give him back, she kicked me, I punched her. In the end my dog ended up biting my son (he actually went for my mother) his skin had not been broken, but I did not forgive her. Again I failed as a mother.
My ex wanted our son to stay the night, I wasn’t sure so he offered me to stay to, I did. He had him for his own and did not drop my son off for the time I asked, all my son did was sleep, didn’t even wake for a bottle, I wouldn’t let my son stay again till he was 4.
When my son was about a month old I had to take him to hospital to get his blood taken. My ex came with me and my mum, they bent his hand to get a vein and he started crying, I turned to my mom to take him, I did not want my ex’s help, why should I want it, he has never helped or supported me.
My son was about 9months old when I met my fiancé, even though I was drunk I remember it so well, he had a fine bottom and all I wanted to do was slap it, he was so attractive, we hit it off right away. I went out with my sons father to the beach, he invited me along. He failed big time, he was on the phone to his dad and let his brother change the gears while driving up a slope to get on the beach, on the beach he did about 30 waving his car about.
Some man yelled at him. I thought he had no right to shout at my ex but common sense that there was children on the beach would make my ex slow down. NOPE, I looked at the ticket we got and it said speed limit was 10. It was a nice day, spent most with his family, they are very nice people.
On my first proper date with the guy I just met, my mom flew at my ex when she confronted him about the driving, his reply was “all first drivers get in accidents” I shouted for my dad, he was really mad at my ex, my dad is a very laid back man, but my ex endangered the life of his only daughter and grandchild, he was not a man to be messed with.
Thinking about it, I always thought it was my partner who made him step up but it started from then, it must have been my dad.
My partner started staying over in the week and we would go to his house for the weekend (his family love my little boy like anything, he calls them nanny and grampy and they have such a soft spot for him).
He would try and help with little man but I did it myself, he told me he felt like I was pushing him away, I said it must be because I have done it on my own for so long that it is natural. I felt very sick one day and my partner had to take care of him, been letting him help ever since, took me a long time to actually ask for his help and he has taken that little boy on like his own.
My son is now 4 nearing 5 and now has regular contact with his dad, he loves his dad and although we have different views on things, we talk about them instead of hurling abuse at each other. He is a good dad now and always gives me dates and times he will not be able to make it in advance, unless he is ill, which has actually been rather rare.
Because of all that has gone on, I find that is the reason why he does not have much of an input. Although if he wanted input I would take them on board.
I am engaged to my partner and we have brought a house together and have a child together, I am really happy. My ex lives with his girlfriend who stuck by him through everything (she does deserve an applause really as I did not make it easy) they have a son who looks the spit of his big brother and they have also just got engaged and I am happy for them.
There are still those fake profiles trying to stir up trouble but the are few and far between, i sometimes get the blame for them but i don’t care, they are not me and i have my own family. I only get involved if my son is. which is about 5 times out of 10.
Things are still kinda rocky between the girlfriend (or fiancé now I should say) but they are few and far between, we just ignore each other now. There are many things I have not written that had gone on, but that is mainly for the protection of feelings, it was 3years ago now, the past is the past and I do not want to hurt anybody.
“We should not look back unless it is to derive useful lessons from past errors, and for the purpose of profiting by dearly bought experience.”
George Washington
A sincere thank you to the mom on my Facebook group who has shared her single mom experience anonymously with you all here on the blog. Please take time to offer your words of support and leave a comment.
