One of the most pressing question I get from my clients a lot of the time is "Is it okay for me to have sex with my ex?".
Now, this happens more for my female clients than my male clients, but it certainly does happen to both sex.
You probably may have been in a position before where your ex shows that they want sex with you. But you're not sure if you are ready for it, or whether you should.
So should you have sex with your ex if your ex wants sex?
And will it actually help you get your ex back? Or will it make your ex just see you as "friends with benefits"?
Understanding The Psychology of Sex With An Ex
If your ex has expressed interest in having sex with you, then it means that your ex is still physically attracted towards you.
There are two kinds of attraction in general:
- Physical Attraction
- Personality Attraction
For most people, physical attraction will come first. That's where your ex first laid eyes on you and starts being interested in you.
And when your ex starts to get to know you as time passes, that's where your ex develops personality attraction towards you. Basically that means your ex is attracted to your personality.
For a relationship to take place, in most cases, there has to be these two attraction types.
That's because if someone is first attracted to you physically, they will tend to find a way to be attracted to your personality. This is especially so if your personality is easy to get along with at the start.
Similarly, if someone is first attracted to you because of your personality, then soon that person will start being attracted to you physically as well.
These two go hand in hand.
But what makes a person want to stay in the relationship?
Most often than not, it's always the attraction of your personality.
If you were to look back at your relationship, you may have found that maybe your appearance hasn't changed but you two still broke up.
Then that means it's the loss of attraction for your personality. And with a loss in attraction for personality, there can come a loss of attraction physically as well.
So like how both attraction generally comes together when gaining the attraction, similarly they also both go together when one is lost.
So what does it mean if your ex still wants to have sex with you?
That means your ex is still sexually attracted to you, but not necessarily attracted to your personality yet.
Is It A Good Sign That Your Ex Wants To Have Sex With You?
In my personal opinion, the answer is yes. Because it is a good opportunity to get your ex back.
However I don't mean it in a way where you use sex to get your ex back. Far from it.
What I mean is that since your ex is attracted to you physically, that's half of the equation to get your ex back to you again.
So you want to use this to your advantage to work on the other half of the attraction equation. And that is to let your ex sense a change in your personality that makes your ex feel positive towards you again.
So Should You Have Sex With Your Ex?
The answer is that it depends.
This is a very sensitive topic to touch on because we all have different values to what having sex with an ex mean.
Some people feel that if they have sex with their ex, it will make their ex want them back.
Some people feel that if they have sex with their ex, it will make their ex think of them as friends with benefit.
So in my personal opinion, it comes down to how you feel about sex in general. If you feel that it will make you feel like your ex is just using you, then you certainly don't want sex.
But if you feel that you are alright with having sex, then you can choose to have sex with your ex once and then understand where your ex is coming from then.
How To Strategically Use Sex To Win Your Ex Back
In general, I don't think sex is a strategy at all to win your ex back. But rather, it is an incentive for your ex to want to be with you again.
Like I mentioned, physical attraction and personality attraction tend to go hand in hand. That means that you can use sex as the hook to get your ex to see a personality change in you.
So that means the real strategy is to let your ex experience a change in you so that your ex will start to link pleasure towards you again and gain that personality attraction towards you.
So let's say your ex has asked you to have sex. What do you do?
First you want to decide whether you are okay with having sex.
If You Don't Mind With Having Sex With Your Ex
If you are, then you want to make the meet up as fun and pleasurable as possible. And by that I mean you do not at all talk about the relationship whatsoever with your ex.
First your ex has to feel good towards you before he / she will want to consider getting back with you again.
A good analogy I can think of is getting a pay raise in your job. Many people think that the way to get a pay raise is to go to your boss and promise that you will do more if you get paid better. But that never works from the perspective of bosses because they will see you as a risk.
They could pay you and you never do the thing you promised. So what you should be doing is the opposite. And by that I mean that you first do more and get results that others haven't gotten. Only after you have gotten the results that you know your boss wants, then you show it to your boss and then ask for a pay raise.
Similarly it's the same with dating. For example in general, women want romance first before allowing men to get to "first base" or even have sex. Women want the dance, the dinner, the sweet words and basically let them feel really good before having sex.
So in the same way, getting back with an ex is the same thing. You first have to prove that you are no longer like how you were towards the end of the relationship before your ex is willing to consider getting back with you.
If You Mind Having Sex With Your Ex
If you do mind having sex with your ex, then you certainly don't have to feel cornered into having sex. However you want to handle this strategically. And by that I mean that you do not want to reject your ex outright. You also don't want to ask your ex to have a relationship with you first before having sex.
All these will turn your ex off and make your ex want to pull away.
Instead, what I suggest is to go along with the idea of having sex. But you do not give a definite response as to whether you want to have sex or not.
So if your ex asks you to have sex, you want to respond in a way where it shows you are entertaining the thought but don't say yes or no.
But rather use that topic as a "hook" to get your ex hooked towards the conversation with you.
When you hooked your ex, he/she will want to continue conversations with you. This is where you can gradually link pleasure in your ex towards you.
Over time when done correctly, your ex will feel really positive towards you. And that can prompt your ex to want to get back with you again.
Remember, you already have the traits that attracted your ex in the first place. That's why your ex got together with you.
But along the way, things probably changed in your relationship and that your ex to change the way he / she perceives you.
So as long as you are able to change the way your ex perceives you, and be reminded of how you were like when you two first got together, then you will have a very good chance to reunite with your ex again.
Over the years I have helped hundreds of couples salvage their relationship. So if you are feel helpless and lost right now, I suggest that you take this 2-minute quiz below. I look forward to helping you get one step closer to salvaging your relationship again:
