I’ve been seeing my favorite lady for two years. We have a great rapport; she enjoys hard, fast thrusting and can achieve multiple strong orgasms. However, I am uncircumcised and struggle with premature ejaculation, so I have to go very slow for a good while until the sensitivity dies down, and then I can engage in more energetic thrusting without risk of going too soon. But my lady friend has become increasingly demanding that I perform energetically from the beginning; in our last encounter, she even told me that I was “killing her” by taking her so close to orgasm and then backing off (which I had to do to keep from orgasming myself). I want to tell her that I need to take things slow for the first 10-15 minutes, and that I can give her the kind of sex she wants later if she can only be patient. I know I shouldn’t say that I’m paying for the time and she should do it how I want, and that’s not how I feel anyway. But on the other hand, I can’t help but feel that she is prioritizing her pleasure above my own, and that kind of hurts my feelings. How do I broach the subject with her in a manner that won’t offend her?
You’re absolutely right that as a professional, she’s there to give you pleasure and not vice-versa, but at the same time I understand that y’all have developed a relationship in which you value her feelings and needs as well (and most men also find the idea of making a sexy woman orgasm to be satisfying in itself). So I have a few questions for you. First, is penetration the only thing that makes her climax? Because if she can also come from clitoral simulation (oral, masturbation or vibrator), you could certainly give her a couple of orgasms that way and then proceed to take care of your own needs. Second, what do you mean by “too soon”? A lot of men labor under the misapprehension that all women want to be pounded for a very long time; you mention 10-15 minutes, which believe me is a very long time. Though there are certainly some women who want to be penetrated for that long, most women prefer an extended stretch of kissing, touching, oral sex and other foreplay (a term which isn’t really correct because it casts penetration as the “main event”, which it doesn’t have to be), followed by maybe 5 minutes or so of penetration. So unless your lady has expressed disappointment at your “coming too quickly”, her vocal urging may be intended to get you to fuck harder and faster for a shorter time. I know that long, slow fucking sessions exasperate the hell out of me; in my teen years I once snapped at a guy, “Are you going to actually fuck me or just fuck around?” (It was a bad strategy because the poor guy lost his erection right there & couldn’t get it up again). It may not be easy for you, but you might try asking her outright if she’d prefer a shorter but more vigorous pounding followed by a quick orgasm on your part, or a longer, more languid session such as you’ve been doing. Her answer may surprise you. Third, you haven’t mentioned your age or refractory period; if you don’t take an exceptionally long time to recover, the answer might be as simple as starting your sessions by going at it very hard and coming quickly, then enjoying an extended period of touching, kissing, etc until you become erect again, followed by another bout of fucking (most guys take a lot longer the second time). If you’re past 40 that second erection may take a while, in which case it might be better for both of you to book longer sessions in which you have more time to recover.
In any case, I think it’s very important that you include her in the discussion rather than attempting to fix it all by yourself (you can show her this letter if you like). Good communication is essential for good sex, and it would be a rare sex worker who was offended by a client telling her clearly and without criticism what he wants, and asking her clearly what she wants. We have to be good at such communication to do our jobs, but we aren’t mind readers; I think it far more likely that she’ll be relieved than offended when you bring up the subject.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
