Writing a Blog I Want To ReadI realize I want to read real life stories on a blog.If someone has life lessonsto share in a positive wayI want to read.
I want to feel connected.I want to feel I am not alonein strugglingto make all of the aspects of my life work.
I appreciate the beautiful blogsbut my heart needs to learn and growand knowalthough our struggles might be differentwe are not alonein our journey that is life.
Sothis is why I willshare one of my storiestoday.
Having an Estranged ChildIs a lesson in Learning Unconditional Love
It has been a challenging week for meemotionally.With Mother's Dayaround the cornerit is a holidayfor me that pulls the scab off a festering wound.Makes me think about my middle son who has chosen to estrange himselffrom our family.
I have had nightly dreamsabout him all week.Dreams where I amso reminded ofwhat a great soul he hasand how very, very much I miss
and
love him.He comes in the dreamsat different ages.When he comesthere is no recent past full of hurts on both sides.He is just a son I love.
I recognizethe sweet little boywho I used to kiss on the cheek at nightand he would then touch that spotand tell mehe was pushing it into his heartso he would have it always.
Having a child choose tonot be a part of our familyhas brought with it such a mixed bag of emotions.It is a choice that effectseveryone left behind in the wake.Our family historyhas been shaped with it.
Looking back had I known thenwhat I know nowI might have done some things differently.It's hard to say.
I knowbefore he leftI took his anger personallyandreacted to the angerrather thanrealizing the pain he was in.
I know in retrospectI most likelymade him feel he was conditionally lovedbased on his choices.That was never truebut he might have felt it.I just don't know.
When I firstheard from my husbandmy son's choiceto have nothing to do with our familyI was startledstunnedshockedandthen I got angry.
Within the anger was a swirling mixtureof also being humiliated and embarrassedandashamedthat someone who I loved
so muchwould reject me in such a fashionand reject the othersthat I also love dearly.
That type of rejectionrocked me to my knees.Made me question what type of personwhat kind of Mother was I.
I have certainly dug deep in the aftermath to do the workto continue to change where I need to.
I also continually tryto find some goodandpositive lessonsin this heartbreaking situation.
I have learnedto be more gentle in my familyand personal relationships.I consciously chooseto focus on the good and realizelife can be hard on us allso kindness really does matter.
I have triedto conveyto all of my three childrenI love them for simply being themselvesand not for their accomplishments.While at the same time being there tocelebrate their achievements.Like this weekwhen my daughterafter four years as an honor student got accepted into Grad School.
When the relationship with my sonbegan going sourI used to truly hopeit was all my faultbecause if it wasthen I could changeand make everything good again.
InsteadI have learnedthat I must respect his decision.
I have worked through my anger.I am no longer humiliated, embarrassed or ashamed.I know I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.
I pray my son knows how very much he is loved.I still send him textssaying so.
I pray my son gets to a place in his lifehe can recognizehis own inherent worth.
I praythis is a journeywhere he will come back to us.
I realized todaythat throughhis estrangementI have learned to truly love unconditionally.
To Love without the weights and measuresof reciprocals.
To love past
anger and hurt.
It has been a long roadbut I have learned much on the journey
and
will continue to search
for any good
in such a sad situation,
I realizeI will always have a hole in my heartas long as he is away.Butas Leonard Cohen says
"There is a crack in everythingthat's how the light gets in".
As always my friends
I wish you love and joyas you find your own light.
