CHARACTER INTERVIEW
Interview with the Emperor: Rudolf II
What an Emperor Looks Like
I had been all alone in the emperor’s waiting room for quite some time, absorbing the comfort of my lavish surroundings as I tried to prepare myself for my interview with him.I had become so lost in thought that it gave me a start when the emperor’s steward suddenly materialized in the room and called my name.I slowly stood and followed him into the adjoining chamber.
The emperor’s sitting room was decorated even more extravagantly, with artistic masterpieces covering the walls and rich oriental carpets lining the floor.As I was settling in, a door opened in the wall opposite me, admitting a mousey man with a pencil-thin mustache.He announced that the emperor would be with me momentarily.Then two armored guards filed in, stopping to stand at either side of the door.
After a moment, we were joined by a paunchy, bearded fellow, who shuffled distractedly into the room, looking like an old man who might stop you to ask directions to the nearest bus stop.He was most elegantly garbed, though, and once I saw the reverent manner in which the others gazed at him, it became clear to me that this must be the emperor.
I jumped out of my seat and got to one knee, just in time for the mousey man to announce the arrival of His Imperial Highness, Holy Roman Emperor Rudolf II.
I had planned to ask His Majesty about his financial and military priorities and the difficulties of governing his vast empire.The interview did not proceed quite as I had planned.Here is the full transcript:
JLB:Thank you for agreeing to talk with me, Your Majesty – I’ve never had a chance to interview an emperor before.I hope to learn much from your knowledge and experience.
RII:Think nothing of it, my lad.I am happy to answer all of your questions, especially if my words may in some way work to the benefit of humanity.
JLB:Great, I can already tell that you’re going to be a source of great wisdom!Let’s start with a very general question:What’s it like being one of the most powerful men in the world?
RII:It’s really marvelous…
JLB:Marvelous?Can you explain what you mean, Your Excellency?What’s marvelous?
RII:It’s just marvelous, you wouldn’t believe it.Today, my
European Red Squirrel
Imperial Zookeeper showed me a most exquisite creature.It looks just like a squirrel, but it’s gray.JLB:Umm, okay.I was hoping you might talk a bit about what it’s like to rule a vast empire, and –
RII:A gray squirrel, can you imagine it?Squirrels are supposed to be red!
JLB:If I may, Your Majesty… this one must have come from America.
RII: What?
JLB:European squirrels are red, Your Majesty, but there are gray squirrels in America.
RII:Young man, why are you talking about squirrels?I thought you had come here to ask me about what it’s like to be an emperor!
JLB:Well, yes, actually, I did want to talk about that…
RII:Then why are you wasting my time talking about squirrels?
JLB:Sorry, then, let’s get back on topic.So, what’s it like to be one of the most powerful men in the world?
RII:Honestly… it’s terrible.
JLB:Terrible?You just said it was marvelous.
RII:Did I?Well, no, it’s terrible.There are so many boring things to do.I hate reading laws, and listening to my people tell me about their boring problems.I’d like to spend my time looking at paintings and strolling in the gardens, but nobody lets me.
JLB:Of course, I understand.Here’s my next question.What are some of the most important issues facing you, as ruler of a vast land?
RII:Important issues, eh?Well, there are so many important issues facing me.It’s very stressful.
JLB:I can only imagine.I suppose that the decisions that you make can affect the lives of millions of people.
RII:Yes!Just this morning, I had to decide whether to have my eggs scrambled or sunny-side-up.It was incredibly difficult.I had to discuss it with my chamberlain for quite some time before I could decide.
JLB:That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
RII:You’d be surprised how important a decision like that is.It all has to do with the positioning of the planets, you see.Luckily, I have an army of astrologers who can help with every decision.If I were to choose sunny-side-up at a time when the sun is in opposition to Mars or Jupiter, the consequences could be grave, as I’m sure you understand.
JLB:Yes, you are very fortunate to have a team of astrologers to advise you on which eggs to have for breakfast.
RII: (nodding with a self-satisfied smile)Yes.That is why we will prevail over our heathen neighbors to the south.I heard that the Turkish Sultan has his eggs poached.Can you imagine?Poached!What a disaster for him and his people.
JLB:Yes, I’m sure.Your Majesty, I can see that this conversation is going in directions that I had not imagined possible.So let me ask you this.You have the greatest collections in the world – art, animals, precious jewels, magical devices, and so on.Out of everything you own, which single item is your most prized possession?
RII: (stroking his beard)Hmm, that’s the first good question you’ve asked, young man!Let’s see… there is my army of wind-up soldiers, but I suppose that’s not the most important.Maybe my unicorn horn?It’s extremely useful, both for making potions and detecting poisons.(stops to think)Wait!Of course!I’ve got it.My most prized possession, without question, is Mohammed.
JLB:What is Mohammed, Your Excellency?
RII:Mohammed is my pet lion.He was given to me by the Turkish Sultan, Murad.
JLB:Very interesting.Why would a lion be your favorite possession?
RII:Mohammed is not a possession, he is a friend.He’s my best friend, in fact.He’s the only person I can really talk to.He listens to me.He never talks back.He doesn’t want anything from me.He just wants to be my friend.(leans forward, whispers)Everyone else here pretends to like me, but they aren’t my friends.They just want things from me.Now do you see why being emperor is terrible?
JLB:I understand.Now that I think about it, there really is nothing more valuable than genuine friendship, is there?
RII: No.Well, except maybe gold.But other than that, no.Also perhaps rubies.Or beautiful paintings.Or the Elixir of Youth.But other than that, no, you’re absolutely right.
(At this point, I heard a loud click come from a large, beautifully decorated clock on the mantelpiece.A small door in its base opened up, and a statuette in the shape of a skeleton wielding a silver scythe marched out along small tracks.It nodded toward us, emitted a high-pitched “Cu-ckoo, cu-ckoo, cu-ckoo,” and then retreated back inside the clock.)
RII:Goodness!I told my tinker to fix the sound on that clock.
JLB: I can see that we’re running out of time, Your Majesty, so I’ll ask one last question.If there was one thing that you could change in all of your lands, what would it be?
RII:That’s easy.Gray squirrels!
Eastern Gray Squirrel
JLB:Thank you, Your Excellency, I suppose that’s all we have time for.This interview has been extremely, uh… interesting.RII: (rising)Thank you, my lad.Please come again sometime.I’d love to spend more time telling you what it’s like being one of the most powerful men in the world.It really is marvelous!
(Editor’s note: Emperor Rudolf’s dream of introducing gray squirrels into Europe was not realized until over 300 years after his death.His Majesty would be most unhappy to know that it has not been assessed as a positive development)
Title: Secrets of the Alchemist
Author: J.L. Burger
Genre: Middle-Grade Fantasy Adventure
Length: 391 pages
Release Date: April 2014
ISBN-13: 978-0615984827
Imprint: Mythos Press
SYNOPSIS: What are Nora and Tomik to do? They’ve been transported 400 years back in history, and have no clue how to get back home. The members of the Royal Court refuse to let them leave – everyone believes that the children are wizards, come to save their struggling empire.
Well, not quite everyone. The wicked chamberlain wants to toss the children into the castle’s deepest dungeon. The crazed, witch-hunting duke is starting to look at them funny. But worst of all is the emperor’s prized alchemist. He just wants them dead – and has a bag full of sinister tricks to make it happen.
It looks like the only way out of this predicament is to save the empire, after all. But how? Nora will have to come up with some magic of her own, and fast – for his next trick, the scheming alchemist is planning to make the children disappear… forever!
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