Debate Magazine

Secession and Division

Posted on the 15 November 2012 by Lowell
We wish to thank a "Citizen of the Enlightened States of America" for what follows.  Unfortunately, we do not know his or her name.  So, we'll also thank our good friend, Bob Poris, for bringing this
article to our attention.
Dear Red States:
We are ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.
We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.  In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.).
To sum up briefly:
1.  You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
2.  We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
3.  We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.  You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
4.  We get the Statue of Liberty.  You get Opryland.
5.  We get Intel and Microsoft.  You get WorldCom.
6.  We get Harvard.  You get Ole' Miss.
7.  We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
8.  You get Alabama.
9.  We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.  You get to make the Red States pay their fair share.
10.  Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.  You get a bunch of single moms.
11.  With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wine at state dinners), 90% of the high-tech industry, most the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
12.  With Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, and 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, plus Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
13.  We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
14.  Thirty-eight percent of people living in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're talking about the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say evolution is only a theory, 53% think that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.
15.  We're taking the good weed, too.  You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Citizens of the Enlightened States of America

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