After offhandedly comparing the Jorge Posada incident to a bad episode of Saved By The Bell, I realized that the classic 90's show is the perfect metaphor for this entire 2011 Yankees' season. We shall call it Saved By The Ball. So the season started out great; against all odds, we came out unified and our chemistry was sizzling. Everyone was in-synch and harmonized. Much like the episode where Zack, Slater, and the gang all sing "Barbara Ann," the girls laugh at them, and then they break Screech's mom's Elvis bust. A real tragedy, similar to the last few weeks for the Bombers. While the bust only cost $250 to replace, I am not sure the Yankees are as easily repairable. Also? There is no one on the Yankees who can possibly do as sweet of a split as A.C. Slater.
This is true, especially with injuries to Rafael Soriano (a bigger bust than broken Elvis), Phil Hughes, and Eric Chavez. I can only hope they band together and choreograph a bitchin' dance like Lisa and Screech did with "The Sprain."
The biggest concern, however, seems to be the break-up and advanced age of the Core Four. It is heartbreaking and brings me to a dark place; a place that I imagine only Zack and Kelly felt when they broke up and slow-danced to "How am I Supposed to live Without You?," which Slater and Jessie sang while dressed in absurd costumes.
Bartolo Colon and Freddy Garcia have attempted to replace Andy Pettitte, which is basically like trying to replace Kelly Kapowski with that biker bitch, Tori. Sure, Tori filled in admirably at times, but the magic, the essence of greatness, was gone. We tried to believe the show could go on without losing quality or entertainment, but it was nothing more than a perky pom-pommed memory of yesteryear. Undeniably, something was lost, and it is inevitable to compare the old cast with the new one. Sort of like how we judge SBTB: The College Years, or Miss Bliss and Principal Belding. Miss Bliss is clearly Joe Torre in this saga. She did a good job diffusing rivalries and tensions, as Torre tried to do with Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez. Still, I am not sure she was missed once Principal Belding took over as the adult lead and brought a wrestling championship to Bayside. And I doubt that she wrote a tell-all book after leaving Bayside for good.
The longstanding cold war between The Baseball Jesus and ARod is eerily reminiscent of the rivalry between Zack's friendship bracelets and Slater's Buddy Bands. Buddy Bands, an initial success which eventually became uncool when Zack gave one to Mr. Belding, define the type of player that ARod is. We used to like him before he started juicing, kissing himself in the mirror, and acting like a superficial asshole; then, he became everyone's least favorite Yankee. Buddy Bands exasperated the relationship between Zack and Slater, just like ARod's interview in Esquire led to the rift with Jeter.
Taking this one step further, the recent Jorge hissy fit is JUST LIKE the terrible fight between Zack and Slater over some random slut. When Girardi moved Jorge to ninth in the order, it was Zack pouring fruit punch down Slater's pants all over again. Previously, Zack had dressed up Screech like an usher to ruin Slater's date, similar to how Jorge has tried to disguise himself as a useful designated hitter. In this situation, Girardi's office replaces the lockers as the setting for ridiculousness.
Which brings us to this week, and specifically last night's snoozefest, when the Yankees beat the Orioles 4-1 in the 15th inning. Although Colon pitched a gem, going eight innings and handing a 1-0 lead to Mariano Rivera, Mo blew the save, extending the game for an excrutiating six innings. Poor Chris Dickerson got beaned in the head. There were so many missed opportunities and so many chances where someone could have won, it was just like the epic chess match between Valley and Bayside. You know, the one where Zack kidnaps the Russian, Spassky. I kept yelling at the TV "just veen da game!" The only thing missing was Tori Spelling dressed as a nerd in the stands. Regardless, the game was so painful, but at least we won - just like Screech. But god was it ever ugly and intense. Which is how this whole season and the AL East race are shaping up to be.
Who knows what the standings will be in October, or even at the All-Star break. But in the great words of Jessie Spano, "I'm so excited, I'm so excited...I'm so...scaaaared!"
