For some of you, same -sex marriage is no laughing matter. Shoot, for me it's no laughing matter. This is serious shit, people. But some of the claims, predictions and interpretations of the US Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage recently had me at first shaking my head, then getting my blood pressure up a little bit. And then I had no choice but to find some humor in it.
This is no small thing. It's no small thing for those of us who wanted it, so we can't expect it to be a small thing for those who oppose it. And if you oppose it for religious reasons, it's understandable that you're upset. I have tried not to gloat and celebrate too much, because I know that many of you have deep-seated reasons for being disappointed.
A perk of having your own blog that you pay a couple hundred dollars a year to host is that I get to talk, in a semi-controlled, semi-safe environment, some of the Religious Right's outlandish claims. I'm no expert, but if I was, here's the question-and-answer session I picture. And if I offend you with this post, get in line behind the knitters, dental hygienists and the pantyhose lobby.
~
Good morning and welcome to the first Town Hall dedicated to answering your SAQs on same-sex marriage. If you have a question, step up to the mic, but don't shout please. I have a massive headache from marching in the Pride Parade, followed by too much wine. First question comes from Bill.
Bill O: Do I have to marry an animal now? Because I'm to understand that if it's now legal for a man to marry a man and a woman to marry a woman, then what's to prevent a 6-year-old boy from marrying his golden retriever? If it's simply "all about love," then what if some chick wants to marry a pint of Haagen Daz ice cream? To take it another step further, if it's allowed then how long before we're all forced to commit these absurdities?
Bill, you must be exhausted from leaping all over the world of possibilities. Did you strain a groin muscle? Now to answer your question with another question: Do you remember that math class where the teacher talked about if a = b and b= c - I think it was called logical formulations of equality or something nerd-mathy like that? All the things have to be the same in a and b in order for that equal sign to work. You can't go changing a bunch of things about a, like its age or its being human or not, or its ability to consent, and make him/her still equal b. Also, this is common sense. And when you say, "Well I guess we can marry cows now," you look really dumb, no matter how long you've had your own political TV show.
~
Alan W: I heard that because wording in this SCOTUS ruling invokes due process, that means that anyone can carry a concealed rifle into any building in the country.No. You should definitely try it though. Because . . . due process.
~
Bob G: What about me and my family values? Why isn't the Supreme Court doing anything to protect my right to be in a straight marriage, have some kids, go to church every Sunday, and have a house that's painted a sensible color? My traditional values are under attack in this country and I'm sick of it.First, calm down Bob. You're pretty upset, so this mistreatment of you as a white Christian must have been going on for a long time. Where is this criticism coming from? Your friends? Maybe it's time to get new friends. Your family? Meh, that's an old story. Dozens of movies and TV shows have been made about what happens when you discuss politics and religion around the family dinner table. Heed that. On Facebook? I can't figure that one out. I never hear anyone's opinions on social media that are different from mine. [Awkward pause.]
Persecution comes in many forms, so first you have to try to identify specifically how your happiness is being thwarted by your critics. Do you feel threatened when you drive your mini-van to church on Sunday morning? Are you not getting your Christian discount at Costco? I would suggest keeping a diary and jotting down all the ways you feel like your traditional life is being attacked. And if you're still unsure, ask Matthew Shepard. Oh, right, you can't. Because he's dead.
~
Betty W: We wouldn't be in such a mess as a society if we lived according to the Bible. If prayer were back in the schools and the Ten Commandments were posted outside every statehouse, we'd be a better country.Before last week, I'd have said this question is off-topic, but the same-sex marriage debate has expanded like a dead raccoon that's been on the side of I-75 in Georgia for two weeks in the summer.
We can't put prayer back in public schools because it's never been in public schools. We could put it there, but it would be a mess, trust me. Because first we'd have to pick a prayer. The Catholics would want the Rosary recited every day and twice on Friday, but the Protestants would claim they don't want their kids praying to anyone who isn't God. The school board would get involved, there would be panels formed to construct a prayer that everyone could live with, and you'd end up with a prayer that was the Pledge of Allegiance. And that still is being recited every morning in public schools, despite those Facebook memes with Uncle Sam holding a cross and crying.
As for living in a country based on the Bible, you wouldn't like it, believe me. Federal law would allow your 9-year-old daughter to be married off to creepy old guys with long beards, and if your daughter had sex outside of marriage to the old creepy guy, she would be stoned in the mall parking lot. What would be permitted? Plural marriages, sex slaves that could be bought and sold, man-on-woman spousal abuse, as well as all stages of abortion and anything else that wasn't around 2,000 years ago, because it's not mentioned in the Bible. Sure, there would be Congressional committees to update the Bible based on who has God's ear that election cycle, but then we'd be right back to where we are now, except we wouldn't have the Bible anymore.
To sum up, Betty, be careful what you pray for.
~
Daniel C: We're legalizing immoral behavior. It's that simple. This is Sodom and Gomorrha and I'm going to post a picture of Uncle Sam holding a cross and crying until something's done about it.We've been legalizing immoral behavior since the beginning of time, Daniel. Because we don't criminalize immoral behavior. Because we're trying to be a country that doesn't dictate what you do in your personal life. Everyone's notion of moralityis different, so as a country, we tend to stay away from passing laws that make us one giant Greek grandmother.
Same-sex marriage isn't the only thing that's legal that offends you, I'm sure. Pornography on cable is legal. Teen pregnancy is legal. Divorce is legal. And speaking of divorce, everyone seems to understand and be OK with the difference between the legality of getting a divorce and a church's view on divorce, but many are not applying that same logic to marriage. If you think your marriage is a sacred bond blessed by God, then why have you not been protesting in the streets that any married couple can waltz into the courthouse and get a divorce in this country? You might want to start over at Rush Limbaugh's Palm Beach house. It's gorgeous.
~
Craig B: People are always saying that our nation's marriage laws shouldn't be about religion. But that's a bunch of baloney that the libs and the ACLU dreamed up. People don't understand what separation of church and state means. Our forefathers founded this great nation on Christian principals. Why else would we swear on a Bible when we're in court? I forget where I was going with this . . . Oh, right. Marriage is a Christian sacrament and by allowing men to marry men and women to marry women, we as a country are blaspheming God.Mmmm, no. Just . . . no. Marriage is not a Christian thing. Marriage is an everyone thing. Except for your occasional commune in California in the '70s and the French. People have been getting married long before the first Christian church opened up its fellowship hall for bridal showers. Atheists are allowed to get married, so marriage is not God-centered, and it's certainly not Christian centered. Have you seen an Indian wedding? Many are still arranged, so this isn't a #LoveWins thing, but there are real white horses, dancing girls and tattoos, not to mention a bachelor party in the street on the way to the actual wedding. Christian Americans not only didn't invent marriage, we're lagging way behind in the festive category.
In this country, here's how it works: To get married anywhere to anyone in any type of wedding, you have to go to a government building and if you meet all the qualifications - consent being a bigee - you get a marriage license. The license allows you to be married in a ceremony where you get a marriage certificate. You have a couple options: You can have your ceremony right there in the courthouse minutes after you get your license, and you'll be married by someone who's authorized, possibly by whatever courthouse employee is wearing black that day. The ceremony will be brief and to the point, but can be beautiful and meaningful. Your other option is to take your marriage license and go to your place of worship and have a religious ceremony, which is more work and more money, although the pictures come out way prettier and there's an opportunity to have a money box at the reception. The U.S. government doesn't care where you have your ceremony. If an authorized person performs it, they'll hand you your marriage certificate.
If you choose the church part, your church gets to weigh in on whether they'll marry you. The Supreme Court ruling on same sex marriage doesn't affect that. Churches are still able to refuse to marry couples who appear drunk (although I hear Vegas is a viable option in those cases), didn't go through the pre-marital counseling, didn't pay the fees, or any number of religious reasons. So if you think that as of June 26, 2015, a gay couple is going to walk into your church and demand equality and if you as a minister don't marry them, you'll be charged with a felony, you're wrong.
You will, however, have to bake them a cake.
~~~
Read more of Diane's Just Humor Me columns . Sign up for our weekly e-newsletter to get new blog post notifications. and if you like her blog, you'll love her book, Home Sweet Homes: How Bundt Cakes, Bubble Wrap, and My Accent Helped Me Survive Nine Moves.
