I have had the same dreamor a version of it for months now.I am always searching for homeor where I should be.
Then there is often a part when I realize I forgot to tell my parents I was on a tripandthen rememberthey are both no longer here.Even in a dreamI can feel the shocking loss.
My nightly travels have taken me to some beautiful placesbut the yearning in my soulis never satisfiednor can I ever find the home I'm looking for.
In the dreamsI can no longer find my way home.I wake up feeling exhausted by the continual journey.
I am a big believer in dreamsso I have spent much time trying to unravelsuch repetitive dreams.Always trying to unlockthe deeper meaning.
Because no matter how much effort I have beenputting into my lifeto scramble for directionfor purposefor meaningit all continues to feel elusive.
I feel stuck.
I have a case of procrastinationwhen it comes to relaunching my businesslike no other.
It has gotten to a point ofpersonal shame.For someone who has alwaysprided myself in my work ethicI no longer recognize myself.Only feeling worse as the days and months go byand yes,even years.
It is almost crazyhow much effort I put intonot doing what I need to do.Shocking at the very least.
In the dreams I have an overwhelming feeling of being untetheredand not in a way that feels free and brilliant.
More the kind where I run forever in hysterical circlesalways trying to grab onto meaning and purpose.To find my way home.
I know I so desperatelywant to feellike I have my life togetherthat everything is under controlthat I got this.
I know in my heart I want to break out of thiscycle of procrastinationor depressionor fearor whatever I have become mired in.
My dreams speak to the yearning my heart hasto get back home.
I think maybe the bottom dropped outwhen Jeff lost his job out of the blue after 25 years.Then my dad died.
It seems no matter how hard I drill down on myselfdemanding a competent level of productivityI freeze.I don't move forward.
Because in realityI feel rudderless.
I am still ever so Grateful for the Wonderful LifeI do have.
But I am missing something.
Maybe I haven't taken the time to truly grieve my parents passing.
My dad died a few monthsafter my husband lost his jobof 25 yearscompletely out of the blue.
My dad died in the hospitalduring Covidafter several months in ICUafter complications from a 'simple surgery'
Because it was Covidthere was no funeral.Just a gravesite burial.
I still can't really believe he's gone.Every time I have good newslike the birth of our brand new grandsonor Jeff's new jobI can't wait to tell my parentsAnd then I remember.
I didn't have a perfect relationship with my parents.We often saw life and choices differently.But they were always a constant in my life.Their love was always there.
I chose many time not to move away with our familybecause I wanted my parents to have the opportunity to have a relationshipwith their grandchildren.My sister died before my kids were bornand left a gaping hole in my parents heart.I wanted to help fill it.
I also wanted my kidsto grow up with grandparents.I made many life choices to make it so.Because I grew up here in Southern Californiawithout extended familyI wanted my kids to know different.
Even though I didn't always see eye to eyewith my parentsthey were always there.Always interested and supportiveof our childrenand Jeff and I.
I have recently realizedmy parents were also something to push off against.
A border in lifethat was a boundary I could cross or go beyond.A talisman in my life.A where I came fromto see how far I'd come.
A life marker.
I had no idea I would feel so adrift without my parents in my life.Maybe even thought when they died so would the critical voicethat lives within my head.
It's odd that not only the good in relationships give us comfort and directionbut it seems that even the bad partswere part of my self identityin a way I never would have imagined.
I hadn't realized how much I defined my selfby not necessarily rebellingbut ratherdoing things 'Differently'.
I wish I hadn't been so tempered by my fear of their disappointment or judgementand sat down with themto learn more about them.What life moments and choicesdefined them.How they navigated their own lifein a different current from their own parents.
I always thought I had timefor those kind of conversationsyou knowwhen I had my life perfectly together.
A time when I felt so strong and confident about myselfI wouldn't fear their criticism.When I would be immune to judgementA time where I could receive that and not take it to heart.When I could protect my heart fully.
A time when I felt calm in who I was.
A time .....
I am a 63 year old womanwho is shocked to realizejust how afraid of my parents opinionI feel.I didn't feel like that when they were alive.So why so much now?
It feels even worse.
The critical voices I have in my head from themseem louder.
Always asking if I.m doing enough with my life.
I feel I am notI often feel lost in waves of griefand full on purposelessness.
My wonderful children areGrown and Flownand Thriving.Parenting defined my heart and soul for so many years.Giving me so much purpose and drive.
When my parents were hereI could always justify my actionsand self in my own head.
Now I can't.
And thatright theremight just be part of mysearching dreams.
I don't know.
What I do knowI haven't been able to cry or grieve my dad's passingmucheven though it was over a year ago.I think I was tied up in knots of fearregarding Jeff's job situation
Now that has moved over to the settled categorymy heart and soulmust be trying toput this new life chapter into a new focusI can live with.
I know this feeling of being lostwill eventually pass.And as alwaysI will be searching for the lessons to be found.
I know for a fact that I have tremendous respect for my parentsand the life they lived.I respect their imperfections and humanityI know they went further emotionally from where they came.Just as I hope my childrenwill think that of mewhen I'm gone.
I also know I want to honor both my parentsby living and leaving a life and legacy of love.
Maybe sometimeswe just really need the timeto sit with our dreamsto uncover what our heart is trying to tell us.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joyas you style your life
