Since most of us are no longer teenagers, going out sounds so much better than dating. The question I always get is “When should I start?” And now that I am in those same shoes I am having to face that question in real time.
I used to say a person should begin when they feel like doing so. I said that to help fight off the pressure from folks who think there is some arbitrary time that should pass. If someone starts before one year has passed it is almost a guarantee that some folks will think it is too early and say so. To guard against that and the guilt that is usually felt, I have said, “Begin when you feel like it.” Now I want to qualify that just a little bit.
There is no time that must elapse nor does waiting or not waiting mean that we loved or did not love our mates, but we need to be aware of the natural biological impact of losing a mate. Most of the time when we lose a mate we go into mating mode. It is almost like an animal going into heat. We are forced back into the need to mate. I woke up three weeks after Barbara died wondering who I could marry. I did not want to marry then nor do I want to now, but for a period of time early in the journey I was on the hunt and not wanting to be at the same time. That says to me that, while we should be free to build relationships when we feel like doing so, we need to recognize that those first urges and thoughts do not mean we are ready or even really want to be ready. The urge to merge I was feeling passed in a short time and I realized I was far from ready to even think of building any new relationships.
It seems to me that men are particularly vulnerable to the urge to marry soon after the death of a mate. There may be several reasons for this, one of which is they interpret the early biological urge to mean they are ready and willing. Far too often they marry quick and regret it even quicker. Or they marry quick and find themselves trapped in a marriage they do not enjoy, and too often, one that alienates their children. I have counseled far too many families where early marriage resulted in the second wife getting everything the father had worked for and the children left with nothing. It is a good rule of thumb to say, the first time there is an urge to mate does not mean it is time.
It is also true that some men, and some women as well, just can’t live alone. They are not equipped to do even the simple things of everyday living. The men do not know how to run a house and too often the women have no idea about running the money end of things. They have been kept in the dark and now feel totally lost. This can make marriage look not just inviting but absolutely necessary.
We need to carefully examine our feelings to be sure we are not using early courtship as a means of escaping the grief journey. I have a friend who began serious dating within three months of his wife’s death. Now, a year and a half later, he is going through breaking up with his second try at building a long term relationship. He gets very involved and in love only to begin noticing things that sour his feelings toward the person. Finally, he realized that he was trying to replicate what he had with his wife and wanted to replace that as soon as possible to avoid going through the grieving process. Instead of taking the time to face the loss and adjust to living without his wife being here, he has been on a quest to rebuild and go on. Nothing takes the place of going through the process. I purposely have waited a year and may wait much longer. I want to know that I have dealt with the loss and learned to cope before I bring anyone else into my life.
Another friend was engaged within three months of his wife’s death and married within six. We went to lunch not long ago and he told me the story in great detail even though he had told me the same story with the same amount of detail at least three times. He seemed to need to sell me on his decision being right even though I have told him repeatedly that he does not need my approval nor blessing.
Just before we parted he suddenly said, “How long does it take to get over the death of a wife?” I said, “The rule of thumb everyone uses is two years but there is no way to put a time or a date on grief. We all walk at our own pace and face things as we are ready. I will say however that I think the process is longer when someone marries very soon after a mate dies.” He looked at me and said, “I think you are right, why?” I explained that early marriage takes away the safe places we have to express and deal with our grief. The new wife does not want to hold your hand while you weep over the loss of our love. You are forced to hide your pain and swallow your feelings which can lead to depression and delayed grieving.
Now the next question is, how do we start? Where do we find people to date? What are the rules? What is expected? We have a lot to cover. All ideas will be deeply appreciated.
Copyright Doug Manning of In-Sight Books, Inc. Doug’s books, CDs and DVDs are available at www.insightbooks.com. Post originally published on Doug’s Blog at The Care Community www.thecarecommunity.com.
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