Five days from today will mark the first year since my wife died. The actual date this year is on Sunday, but since the date last year was on Saturday and she died early in the morning, just after midnight, to me, the year ends as I relive that horrible Friday night. I have been reliving the week day by day not so much in physical pain nor collapsing in tears but a sense of dread and depression…hard to care about anything or even anyone.
I have often heard that the anticipation of the day is usually worse than the day itself but since I heard that from my own writings I don’t know whether to trust that news or not. We will see.
Since I am now facing the second year I thought it might be helpful to start a new category for out blogs to trace the journey toward reconstructing our lives. I used to call this phase of the grief journey recovering but long ago discovered we do not recover. We turn the corner in the way we cope with the loss but the loss will always be there. A large chunk has been bitten out of my heart and it will not grow back. I will learn to live with that part of me gone, and hope many of those who read these posts will contribute their own stories of learning to live again.
I talked with a woman recently who found the first year anniversary to be quite healing. She, like me, dreaded the day and approached it with sadness and depression but somehow found the day itself to be a time of release. She felt suddenly free to begin the long process of rebuilding her life. I will let you know how free I feel next blog.
Looking back on the year I am glad I knew what to expect and was able to follow the advice I had gleaned from all the stories folks have shared with me over the years.
I have written that the first year is a bad time to make major decisions and I tried to follow that, but I also have written about there always being the possibility of extenuating circumstances making it impossible to avoid making some decisions. That happened to me in respect to where I live. The further loss of my eyesight made it necessary for me to quit driving. Living alone without being able to drive turns a house into a prison. I can’t just run out and get a loaf of bread or some milk. There is no spontaneity possible. As a result I sold my house and moved into an retirement center. I will tell you more about what that is like in future blogs but I have a lovely apartment with good food available and no house worries so it is working very well so far.
I did take my own advice and not start dating, (that sounds so juvenile we need another word for us old folks.) I will write about this issue in a blog very soon. I am being bombarded with questions from friends who are facing the prospect of finding new companionship and of course have some questions of my own so maybe we can face these issues together. It would be a great deal of help to me and to others if you would take a moment to email me your experiences and or questions in this very important issue. We need to figure out when and how do we meet and perhaps mate again, or, as I feel right now, meet and build a great relationship without marrying again.
Copyright Doug Manning of In-Sight Books, Inc. Doug’s books, CDs and DVDs are available at www.insightbooks.com. Post originally published on Doug’s Blog at The Care Community www.thecarecommunity.com.
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