As I said in the last post, I used to say we should start dating when we feel we are ready, then I went through the experiences of the first year after the death of a spouse and realized there are some false readies that can make us think we are ready when actually we are just going through the biological response to being single and experiencing the natural urge to mate. That urge passes and we can then begin to look at the issue in a more normal and intelligent way. Now, one year in I am drawing on the thousands of stories I have heard as I companioned folks through their grief journey and trying to come up with a logical approach to beginning to seek new relationships. I am not sure I know all of the steps but I have set up some for me to follow and thought some of those reading this might get some ideas for themselves as well.
STEP ONE – SELF EXAMINATION
Before I call the first person I need to sit down with myself and examine who I am and what I want or need in a relationship. I was too young to know the answers to those questions when I met and married my wife. I lucked out and found a wonderful relationship that lasted for fifty-seven years. I cannot count on being lucky again. I need to look at where I am in life. What I really want and need in a relationship and why I even want one. I have tried to answer some questions such as:
How desperate am I to have a relationship? Do I want one because I just can’t stand to be alone? Do I want one because I don’t know how to do anything in the kitchen, the laundry room, or the broom closet? Do I want one because I can’t stand the lonely nights? Or because I do not know how to be alone and entertain myself? I do not want to approach dating out of desperation and fear.
I think self-examination is especially crucial for women who have lost a spouse. In far too many cases the woman has never had a chance to decide who they are or who they want to be. Too often they went from being directed by the family straight into a marriage where their identity was defined as wife and mother. Suddenly they are single and for the first time in their lives they are forced to try to figure out who they are now. The loss of identify does not sound like a massive problem until one wakes up and realizes they do not know who they are and what they should do with the rest of their lives. If they do not face these questions they will likely just marry someone as near to their husband as possible and try to replicate the life they had. If they were dominated in their marriage they may well end up the same way this time. The domination feels secure and they don’t have to think or decide, but it also feels like a trap.
This then is a great opportunity to stop and really decide who we want to be and what kind of relationship will fit the new us.
STEP TWO – DON’T CATCH THE FIRST BUS
I have urged both men and women to build a harem and apply that to both male and female. I don’t think we should limit our dating to one person for the first months. We need to have several people we can go places with and enjoy the freedom of not having to get serious immediately. A more casual approach gives us a chance to explore our wants and needs more deeply and with some sense of detachment. The women I companion always laugh when I call that shopping. I don’t think we should pick out a new mate like we pick out socks but I do think it doesn’t hurt to use our minds and to compare the relationship with what we have decided we want and need.
Copyright Doug Manning of In-Sight Books, Inc. Doug’s books, CDs and DVDs are available at www.insightbooks.com. Post originally published on Doug’s Blog at The Care Community www.thecarecommunity.com.
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