Because after some smart a** boob joke, that fool with the blog is going right for the black electric tape. That’s why.
Srsly. I know boys have cooties. But boys with cooties AND six packs? Aaaawwwwesome!
Whoa. Who knew that doing a 5 year old’s finger curls would be tougher than 40 minutes of Iron Grip curls.
C’mon. Think, Baby. Remember. Remember. Remember. What is my name? I know it.
Some people think I’m a control freak. Maybe I should just take off my earrings and we can discuss it outside. Let’s Go!
Dang, boyeee. That Mama Ray is waaay hotter than that Candy Apples bitch. What was I thinkin’?
My luck we’ll end up at the Mall instead of the park, because Gawd knows that woman doesn’t have enough stilettos.
Well.
This is awkward.
So much for my long term Bucket List goal of becoming the next Beyoncé.
Looks like somebody beat me to it. And her name is Asia Monet Ray, mmmkay?
Dat’s rite. The one from Dance Moms and Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.
That one.
She’s back. A little taller than the last time we saw her. And a whole bunch more sassier.
Like three snaps up, at least. Maybe even four in a Z formation by now, Girlfriend.
So naturally, there is already plenty of internet buzz out there between both sides debating what constitutes too much sass and what doesn’t. Because Miss Thang is definitely sassy. She was born that way and has plenty of her mother’s wide eyed DNA to prove it.
But sassy is kind of a gray area for some people. When you’re 18 months old and slap yo’ mama, someone goes “Boop!” and takes a family video that everyone watches over the holidays. When you’re 18 years old and slap yo’ mama, it usually ends up on TMZ.
Little Asia is somewhere in between on my Sassy Scale. But it’s all good.
Besides, I’m not here pretending to have any knowledge whatsoever on parenting. And you’re probably not here to absorb any. If we were, I probably wouldn’t have built my entire brand on five seasons of Toddlers & Tiaras and Kelly Hyland losing her nutty.
I’m just here for the party.
And because I love Asia and her Mom. (…Oh, hey girl! Let’s Go! XOXO…)
So now that we got the business side of this wrapped up, let’s get to the good stuff.
We started out with a quick flashback of Asia’s ALDC and AUDC appearances. We saw the little lion dance when she tried to make baby teeth look like growling fangs. We saw a million different one legged spins and booty pops. And even that one time she wore about 20 feet of black plastic Hefty bags and got all Wicked Witch up in Richy Jackson‘s face.
According to my girl, when Asia grows up she is going to rule the world. And she is totally focused on her career…like crazy.
Yeah. She had me at ‘Crazy.’ And speaking of…let’s meet the family, shall we?
First up was 5 year old baby sister Bella Blu.
Not gonna lie. Despite all the times that I’ve seen them, read about them or creeped them on Facebook I never put two and two together to realize that when you say her full name all at once it ends up being Blu Ray.
Like at Best Buy. I know, right? Hilar.
Bella is so cute. Redoinkulously cute. Like the kind of cute where you have to always have Wet-Naps in your purse just in case you need to wipe up any cute that might squirt out on the floor so nobody slips on it.
That kind of cute. Bella wants to be a gymnast, but I would prefer that she grow up and star in some kind of sitcom where every sentence begins with “Girrrrrrl, please…”
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how that one plays out.
Next up was Dad Shawn, who is clearly a former professional bodybuilder. But not the kind that you see on ESPN pulling a train engine with nothing but a rope in their teeth. Shawn’s the kind of bodybuilder that you always see covered in baby oil on those hanging GNC posters that fall down every time you open the front door on a windy day.
Dude. Is. Jacked.
He instantly made me feel inferior, even though I’m at the gym almost every day. Granted, watching him on the Lifetime Lady Channel at 10pm on a Tuesday night while laying on the couch eating cheese puffs may have been part of the problem.
But regardless. Dude. Is. Jacked.
And then there was Alpha Mom Kristie, Control Freak to Infinity & Beyond, doing what she does best: Gettin’ it Done…and Putting on Makeup.
Love.
From the first time she started getting all OhNoYouDin’t up in Yvette Walts‘ face way back on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, it was all over for me.
When Kristie’s gigantic Jennifer Lopez earrings start flapping side to side and her pony tail starts whipping around like someone just spooked a horse, trust me…it’s time to go.
The family unit is a little split down the middle right now due to the amount of time Kristie spends Momager-ing (…is that even a word?…) Asia’s blossoming career. Asia wants to be a megastar, so that means that tiny Blu Ray ends up kind of lost in the shuffle most of the time.
But don’t you worry…Daddy got this. Shawn makes sure that his littlest girl gets all the attention she deserves. He does her hair. Takes her on playdates.
He even feeds her eggs. With the yolks.
Protein, baby.
Side note: WTF is Asia doing drinking out of a sippy cup? F’realz. Love you, mean it…but the only reason that anyone over the age of 4 should be drinking out of a sippy cup is if they’re going 4 wheeling or Mama’s planning on taking the Escalade over every speed bump in front of Target at 60mph.
And if that’s the case, she can borrow mine. Otherwise, I don’t ever want to see that thing on screen again. It gives you beaver teeth.
Anyway. After a few overly dramatic dietary conflicts (…chillax, Gurl…it’s not like the yellow part fell on the floor…) and about five blank checks, Kristie and Asia headed out to dance rehearsal while Shawn stayed home to wax his head and give Blu Ray a perm.
The World of Dance Network wanted Asia to perform at their upcoming event. OMG! WOD! The WOD is THE industry leader in urban hip hop. And the dance network with THE worst logo ever. Check it out.
What is that? Look at the ‘W.’ Go home letter ‘E’ …you’re drunk.
Time to rehearse. With everyone’s favorite hat-wearing studio-hopping go-to choreographer Anthony Burrell!
Seriously. The guy is EVERYwhere. He’s been on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition. He’s been on Dance Moms with the Candy Apples. If he could use a hot iron Lifetime would probably stick him on Project Runway.
Anthony is an amazing choreographer who likes to wear a lot of fancy designer hats and name drop his celebrity clients. Both of which is does very well. And very often.
For the WOD performance, Anthony had come up with the concept of Asia portraying a lion tamer with thigh high boots and a whip, snapping her shizz all over the bellies of a den full of shirtless Abercrombie models.
I’m going to assume that he didn’t initially present it to Mom that way, but that’s the direction they were headed. Unfortunately, there were no naked lions yet. Or costumes. Or cages. The only thing that actually made an appearance in the studio was Kristie’s signature squint/scowl thing that always happens when she gets in the Zone.
Anthony seemed to be a little behind schedule, but he promised perfection. He also promised that it was going to be amaze balls. And that Asia’s Little Kid Time was over. She was a big girl now and needed to start dancing like one.
(Spoiler Alert: He just neglected to tell her agent.)
After some imaginary lion taming, the three of them headed over to one of those stores that sells nothing but prom dresses and lion tamer booty shorts.
Naturally, Asia’s costume was also imaginary and all she had to work with was about 10 feet of red fabric that looked kind of rubbery from where I was laying eating cheese puffs. Kristie was afraid that it was so long Asia would wipe out on stage, but the cape was still about half the size of that Oz trash bag she dragged all over AUDC. I wasn’t too worried.
And can we just take a moment to acknowledge how Kristie always holds her purse and cell phone? And charger. And tire inflator. And whatever the h*** else it is that she always has piled up in the palm of her left hand while that Louis bag catwalks back and forth in the crook of her arm? Can we, please?
You betta Werk, bitch.
We’ll skip the next part where Asia auditioned the Abercrombie lions by making them pull their shirts up like she was on Spring Break because I don’t want Twitter to explode again.
It happened. And I think Kristie took a selfie with one of her five iPhones when nobody was looking. Figures. The one day she didn’t bring Shawn’s baby oil…
Moving on.
Before the WOD extravaganza kicked into gear, we got a few minutes of Family Time to see what really happens when you try to feed Asia broccoli and film Kristie’s house when it’s not perfect.
Answer: It doesn’t go very well. Asia doesn’t do vegetables. Learn it. Now, please.
And then you might want to send your condolences to Dru the TV Guy, who found himself trapped as all 4 walls of Asia’s in-home dance room began closing in on him.
In a scene that we aren’t usually privy to, we got to witness what happens right before a reality show actually begins filming a reality show scene. A scene where someone had turned all the dance trophies backwards, stuck gaffers tape all over every hanging competition plaque and yet somehow neglected to tell Kristie what they had done while Asia was busy spitting broccoli into the toilet.
That black tape was everywhere. Like you do when you have to cover up corporately licensed business names or Nicki Minaj‘s boobs.
Trust me, I’m not getting out my magnifying glass to look at any on screen Energy Dance Secret Code or naked pop star sippy cups, but I totally get why Mom shut it down.
Finally, it was Showtime!
The cage managed to arrive on time. Not sure what took so long just spray painting four gold styrofoam balls and a couple of crib guards, Anthony. But, whatev.
As Asia and the Abercrombies hit the stage for one final rehearsal, some of the WOD officials weren’t liking it. At all.
There was concern about Asia’s costume. And her age. And the whip. And the boys. And the combination of all the above.
As Kristie and her squint/scowl hovered in the background, everyone discussed the lyrics and the age appropriateness of the whole thing with about 12 minutes to go before showtime.
I’m sure there was some major drama on the floor of the auditorium, but as soon as Asia’s manager Billy Hufsey walked into the building everything else disappeared.
Do you remember him from the TV show Fame? It was pre-Bieber, if that helps. Billy used to have the biggest Kids from Fame hair evah. And he had a poster that was nothing but him in a towel with an Abercrombie belly.
But that was back in the day. Now he had on one of Anthony’s old hats and a haircut that I still can’t figure out even though I Googled him like forty times after the show.
If you still have no clue what I’m talking about, then One…you certainly didn’t get the hysterical Irene Cara reference in the photo sniglet next to Billy’s face up there. And Two…you’re probably too young to be on a website that said ‘boob’ twice in one story.
But I’m not going to bust Billy on the first episode, because he did say that he was tired.
And then Asia performed. And slayed it. Natch.
After the show, Anthony was happy. Kristie and Shawn were happy. Billy was still tired and only kinda sorta happy. He wanted his client to act more like an 8 year old because that’s how he can sell her. Sell. Her.
I looked on Craigslist but couldn’t figure out what category Sassy Diva Wannabes would be under. He might want to stop referring to my girl as a product, even though I know that’s how they talk in the biz. They do, you know. Because I talk smack about television and now I think I’m a know-it-all.
But Asia Monet Ray is back. That’s all that really matters.
And now she’s only got three months to get ready for her humungous, over the top, first ever Mini-Beyoncé outdoor concert at Universal Citywalk.
I’m so excited my girl is in the hizzle, yo.
Raise yo’ hands if you’re excited.
