Preparing for Marriage Part Two: The Selfless Marriage
Our Pre-Marriage Counselor, Dr. John Thomas, calls a selfless marriage, “The Death of the Self”. Now before you get nervous and scurry off to another blog, let me explain.
An accepted statistic is that just over 50% of marriages in the United States will end in divorce. How can two people that fell head over heels in love while passing each other at the vegetable market, end it all in a hurtful divorce? They had romance, a fantasy wedding and plans to grow old together.
How does the hope of “till death do you part” all come crashing down? It often happens when one or both individuals consistently value their own desires more than their spouse.
Wives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord – Ephesians 5:22 (NIV)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her – Ephesians 25 (NIV)
Both verses are key to a fruitful and fulfilling marriage. They entail what Dr. Thomas calls, “The Death of the Self”.
“The death of the self” means being selfless, noble, self-sacrificing and willing to give your best to your spouse at all times. A Spirit-filled and selfless marriage is precious. A truly happy marriage is not just about the number of anniversaries, but the quality of your relationship. Of the 50% of couples that stay married, how many of them are truly happy?
You haven’t waited for marriage all these years only to enter into one that is unhappy and drains the life out of you. If we marry with the wrong motivations or for the wrong reasons, it sheds darkness on what God created to be a joyful season being husband and wife.
Why is selflessness necessary?
Selflessness is needed in order to fulfill God’s instructions for the wife and husband. Today, it is hard to find a woman unashamedly willing to submit to her husband. Likewise, it seems that few men are willing to step up to the plate and make sacrifice plays for his family. These are more valid reasons to be led of God when choosing your mate.
Many couples want to share equal roles, but it is nearly impossible to divide a marriage relationship into a perfect 50/50 partnership. Be prepared for this.
Unlike a business, there are no clear cut working hours and take home pay. You may start the marriage with well defined rolls for each of you, but as life happens, it will be necessary to tweak those rolls. Some days more will be required of him and other days more will be required of you.
For better or for worse…for richer or poorer…in sickness and in health…
till death do us part.
If you want your marriage to last until death, you must daily put to death the workings of this carnal nature. There is no place for selfishness, pride, envy, impurity, fits of anger or greed in a Christian marriage.
There will be worse days. How will you handle them? Will you be abusive, spiteful, or play the blame game? A selfless marriage requires the husband and wife to listen when you want to argue, be supportive when you’re tired, and be humble enough to say, I’m sorry.
Here is what often happens in marriage. There will be days when you and your husband will not agree. So what do you do if you both have an equal vote? He votes yes, and you vote no. If it is an issue that cannot be disregarded, someone is going to have to yield in order to move forward.
If the wife and husband refuse, they will debate and vie for the upper hand. Then before long, all the love that filled their souls on the wedding day is long forgotten…and for what? Bragging rights over who has control in the marriage? It isn’t worth it.
If I have to yield, in order to maintain the love that I have waited so long for, then so be it. I do so because at the end of the day I trust my husband. I know that he would not make a decision that would harm me or our family. If he makes a mistake, we will work through it together. If I make a mistake, we will work through it together.
So ladies, before you marry, please make sure the love he has for you is true.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her – Ephesians 25 (NIV)
Do not let the world twist the context of Biblical scriptures. Wives submitting to their husbands should not be a slave experience. His role is not to manipulate you and boss you around. The role of the husband also requires selflessness. Your future husband is required to love you as Christ loves the church, and He gave His life for it. If he is fulfilling his role, he will be more than willing to sacrifice to support you and be all that you need him to be, to the best of his ability.
The days when there is sickness, poorer, and worse, are not the days to be defensive and make decisions that will only work to your own benefit. It may cause the husband or wife to feel excluded from the other’s care.
It is especially on those days that you must LOVE him enough to yield and he must LOVE you enough to make the sacrifice. This is why Dr. Thomas calls marriage “the death of the self”. For most couples this does not happen overnight, but if both are committed to walking in the ways of the Lord, it can be done.
And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. – Galatians 5:24 (ESV)
All my love,
~Candra
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