I was a sex worker in the 1980s. My abusive ex-husband used this against me to legally kidnap my two daughters, and of course poisoned them against me. Well, my now-middle-aged daughter contacted me recently after many years; she is angry at me for “bringing disgusting men into our apartment” and wants to know how I could “do such a thing”. At the same time, she expressed concern and compassion and practically apologized for hurting me. I know this comes from my ex and the cultural stigma around sex work, but I don’t know what to say to her. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
This is a very tough situation, and I’m sorry you are having to go through this for a chance at healing the rift with your daughter. I think the best way to start a dialog with her would be to write her a letter or email, briefly explaining that because of stigma a lot of lies are told about our work, and it’s actually not the horrible thing she imagines. You can then include some links to a few good resources, so if she really wants to understand she can read or watch those resources in her own time and without all the emotion that would certainly result if you tried to explain it yourself, especially since she does not trust you. Tell her that you have never stopped loving her and would like a relationship with her, and that you think this is the best way to help her understand. If you try to explain it yourself, she’ll just keep interrupting and you will get upset, and nothing will be accomplished. But if she is at least introduced to the idea that sex work is not what she thinks it is, I think you’ll have a lot better chance of getting her to listen to you. The initial message has to come from someone she doesn’t know, who has no motivation to lie. My blog is one resource, but I’m sure you can find others (videos and such) which will help. If you need, I can suggest resources that specifically focus on the issue of courts abducting sex workers’ kids. Also: this has got to be stressful for you; do you have any friends who know your past, who can support you through this? You need to have someone you can trust close by.
Good luck, and please let me if I can help in any other way.
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