The world is coming to it's knees and I'm here to tell you.........I'm finally standing up. I'm finally coming out of the fog that has been my life for 2 years.
I think being forced to clear our calendar has been the best therapy I have received in 7 years.
I'm finally set free of so many of the fear and anxiety driven experiences that swallowed me whole for a few years. Watching a parent succumb to cancer will literally drain you in all facets of life. And then throw in a few IVF cycles and miscarriages and I'm here to tell you- it gets dark and grim and lonely. Last summer, I felt that life (both literally and physically) was stolen from me. We were caught in a hamster wheel that just kept spinning out of control. But, when the pandemic struck the US, God made it SO STINKING CLEAR to me: he's giving me back my lost time.And. I. Am. Here. For. It.
I have a different perspective of the pandemic than most mothers do right now. And a lot of my circumstances are different too.I'm in the same storm, but in a different boat.
Even though H's job is deemed essential, he does not have to walk in a hospital everyday (nor do I)......and if he did, a layer of anxiety would be on me. I have joked with so much truth in it, that if dad was still alive, I would be worried about him sneaking off to Ace Hardware on a bi-weekly basis for random nuts and bolts for his lawnmower or golf cart.
A dear dear friend of mine recently blogged about how this new lifestyle that America has been thrown into has her in a tailspin and she finally broke down as she was trying to make dinner for her family because she was out of 1 ingredient she needed to dinner. That was her breaking point.
As I read her blog- I honestly could not relate to it now, BUT, it brought back all of my memories of last summer and how the slightest hickup in a plan would make me feel defeated as a wife, mother or daughter. It reminded me of my breaking point after dad died that involved my coffee pot (another story for another day). It's funny how people deal with a crisis in different ways. Each rightly in their own personalities and feelings. After dad died- I went through an anger stage that was hard to work out. It's a weird dichotomy to be angry yet thankful your dad is in heaven. It took a lot of growing on my part to thank God for healing my dad and giving him his crown in Heaven.
Last summer, my dad started dying. It really started Easter weekend of 2019. That's when we noticed all of his changes again. By the time summer came, dad was basically paralyzed and bedridden. Cancer stole summer from me. Cancer stole 4-wheeler rides of dad and Jaxon. Cancer stole SO MANY nights of me reading to Jaxon. I was just too tired and emotional to read at the end of the night. On the most gorgeous days of summer, I was inside trying to explain death to my 5 year old son. I was inside folding laundry for my mom. I was inside trying to make the last memories I would share with my dad while parenting and smiling to my son through my tears.
Cancer stole time from me. It felt like I sat Jaxon in front of a tv or ipad for June and July of last year.......and I absolutely hated that feeling, but I didn't know what else to do. I was trapped by cancer. Cancer took away sweet picnics I wanted to have with my baby buddy.
Cancer took away lazy mornings because I needed to help mom with breakfast or visitors or laundry or grocery runs. Cancer stole time that I wanted to spend with my precious baby boy that wanted to ride his bike- but I really just wanted to sit with my dad and talk with him before I knew I wouldn't hear his voice again. I was torn as to what was more important to me: being a daughter or being a good mother.
There were so many nights I would cry myself to sleep because, well, my dad was dying, but also, I knew I gave motherhood what was left of me in that day.........and a lot of times, that was only 10%.
10% isn't enough for baby. 10% is enough to fill a mother's heart. But, I knew God was giving me grace and this was just a season and dad would soon be healed and Jaxon would get his mom back.
Cancer takes more than lives. It takes your precious time. The minute Jaxon's school was cancelled and all of our plans were cancelled and then life as we know it for April and May was cancelled- I cried tears of joy (again, TOTALLY NOT NORMAL HERE). I felt like for me, this was a gift from God to me. This "new found time" has been removing all of the guilt and anxiety I carried for MONTHS and MONTHS. I literally carried this burden.....silently.God has gifted with me time again......and it has been beautiful, and sweet and slow paced.
One day 1 of quarantine, I told H: "I do not want to waste this time. When we get on the other side of this, I want to remember it being happy and fun for us. I want to remember all of the books we read and the movies we watched together and the family walks, and family dinners, and school work and lazy Saturdays. I want to remember this as something SO positive for Jaxon."
I want him to have a glimpse of the childhood my parents gave me. Magical and memorable.
This is such a weird and trying time. And again, I know the magnitude this virus carries with it. But, it's not lost on me the added benefits it has brought my little family, and for that, I'm thanking God for this bonus time where we do not rush the moments that make memories.
