For many months now a specific thought has been making circles in my mind. The thought was really a message and I know that now because when the universe and God are trying to get something through to you they will send you lesson after lesson and send quiet messages that you can only hear if you're very still and paying close attention. I started recognizing the lessons awhile back, moments that left me feeling empty in the actual physical presence of certain people, or time wasted in an afternoon on social media - so completely connected but connectionless. And then I started my yoga practice and some of those broke moments would consume me for an entire hour of grace, beauty, movement - mentally and physically. I would literally walk away from class with two thoughts: So very grateful. WTF?
The week of my 39th birthday - the last week of May - it all made sense to me. That particular week I received the same three messages in totally different ways, and I heard. Essentially, it became clear to me that I need to pull one gold thread through all that I do and am. That thread needs to be my authentic self. The lesson, and I'm sure of it now: Make your world much smaller in order to make room for the bigger life you see for yourself and your boys, and pull that delicate, fabulous thread through your words and camera lens and the deepest truth of your small, big life. Be open for the business of a luminous life, to not only give it, but to receive it. Create an ocean, mountain, roots and sky for it.
I feel the weight of moving into my midlife in the best way. Chipping away and finally letting go of what no longer lines up with this life I want to call my truth has been equal parts terrifying and beautiful. After I figured out the lesson it was so easy to see in my daily life where I continually showed up with my not best self, the person I wasn't proud to be much less declare ownership of. She shows up in groups of women that share gossip. She's in deep family troubles when she shouldn't be. She always, always goes for refined instead of raw. She skips fresh air for needless Facebook posts... You get the idea.
This morning I boldly, shaking, heart-pounding cleaned out all of my social media. I knew I needed to do this to free up time and space, even though it was hard. One way of making my world smaller, and yet bigger. And, Lord, if I didn't come straight up to my computer and put on Pandora only to have Nina Simone's voice start singing Here Comes the Sun. I shook out my head and my heart, sipped my latte, and offered up my thanks for having the courage to pull that gold thread deeper into my soul. I started; of course there is more to do.
It's all messy:the hair. the bed. the words. the heart.life...
--WL
