One Hand? Try Doing It with One Leg

 By Ashley Lister
 The Ballad of the Blackpool Spiderman
 I’ll tell you a tale of a man who can writeBut he got stricken down by a rogue spider’s biteAnd it bit on his leg, which swelled up like a blimpAnd made walking so painful he’s been left with a limp.On the first day he saw a small zit on his calfAnd it itched like a bitch for a day and a halfBy which time it swelled bigger than any man’s legsAnd he wondered if his wound was filled with spider eggsThe thought was quite scary – a nightmare tormentorSo he took himself off to the town’s Walk-In Centre.And he showed off his boo-boo to the nurse there on callAnd she prescribed antibiotics but they did chuff all. It was big and so swollen and so hard as a rockHe thought it a pity it hadn’t bitten him [somewhere else].Two days later the leg was a raw stump of painSo he went back to the Walk-in Centre again.And another nurse said, “Ooh!” and she said he looked sickAnd suggested he’d better go to Blackpool VicSo he did as instructed and his meds got upratedWhich seemed necessary, because his leg was inflatedWhen the bite burst the stuff that came out looked like custardBut the truth is it actually tasted like mustardAnd long story short, the swelling started to shrinkThey said he could go home – he was off in a blink.And now he’s recovering, still resting in bed.And when he sees spiders: he stamps them ‘til they’re dead.
True story