One Direction in Crisis: A Special Report

One Direction (or 'Wand Erection,' as I think of them in my head -Jenny), fucking IMPLODED this weekend while you were busy trying to ignore March Madness. Here's what's up:

1. Zayn Malik QUITS One Direction tour after he's signed off for stress following cheating accusations
   This is the one who is Zayn:
   
   He'll miss the next 3 shows, but hopes to return for the concert in South Africa on March 28. Zayn's engaged to Perrie Edwards but he'd been photoed holding hands with a not-Perrie Edwards-blond who has eyebrows.

Apparently this is the girl Zayn was holding hands with. k... #KCA #Vote1DUK pic.twitter.com/n1IKD3TfWj

— ⠀ (@dorkscraic) March 18, 2015

2. One Direction's Louis Tomlinson Splits With Girlfriend Eleanor Calder 
This is the one that is Louis:
A rep confirmed they split two weeks ago. Eleanor, whom one imagines must have a sparkling personality, goes to university in Manchester while Louis is all over the place with One Direction. They'd been dating for a genuinely surprising 3+ years.

3. Nothing really new with Harry, but here's his pic 'cause he's the cutest: