Yesterday our pastor said something that was pretty profound.
“Mothers who over-parent their children, specifically their sons, are often not having their emotional needs met by their husband.”
This completely lines up with my husband’s and my thinking as we parent our boys but hearing it in this concise form was great. And this isn’t placing all of the responsibility on the husband, either.
Something that I try really hard not to do in my family is to hold the members responsible for my emotional well-being. Especially my children.
You guys, trust me, this is hard. I mean, especially right now as I’m less than a month from having a baby. I can cry on a dime. My patience is greatly limited. My husband is traveling a lot. I’m exhausted.
So sure, when Henry or Miles defy me, outright disobey, or act disrespectful do I want to burst into tears and yell “You’re making Mommy so sad!!” of course. But I refuse to.
Because my emotional health is absolutely not my children’s responsibility.
And also, they simply can’t handle it.
I know this by experience, an embarrassing one. Recently I burst into tears in front of Henry and said something to the effect of “I can’t handle your behavior anymore! It’s too much for mommy!”. Henry is really sensitive and was wrecked. He started sobbing and begged me: “Mom, please stop crying! I won’t be bad anymore! I won’t do naughty things anymore! I promise, just please stop crying!”
I felt terrible. I had just emotionally manipulated my four year old.
I made him think that my being “ok” was up to him. That my ability to be the strong, confident, level-headed leader that he needs me to be is dependent on his behaving the way I want him to.
This is too much for a child to handle, and it’s unhealthy for any family.
It’s also why I believe that it’s too much for a child to bear the responsibility of being their parent’s best friend.
My children need to know that when things are hard, Daddy is there to help me. That I seek guidance and comfort from God, my husband, my friends. That I’m “ok” regardless of their behavior.
It’s tempting to fall into this trap of bursting into tears, running in my room to cry, etc. because it freaking WORKS.
But it’s not right. I don’t want to hold my family as emotional hostages.
Sure, there will be times in the future where my children will do something that grieves me to the point of tears, and the process of working through that with them will reveal those emotions. But keeping my family in line because “you don’t want to make mom cry” or “mom can’t handle it” is just manipulation.
I want my children to make wise decisions and be obedient because they have developed a conviction from their soul to do so, not out of fear and guilt of dealing with my instability and emotional outbursts.
I went back to Henry and apologized.
“I shouldn’t have yelled and cried like that” I said. ”It was wrong. While you behavior is not right and is frustrating, it’t not your responsibility to keep me happy.”
This is a bit scary, I’ll be honest. Because it gives him the freedom to defy me again.
But isn’t that the soul of parenting? Guiding and instructing our children while they are young, while respecting their humanness, their will, their right to choose. Sure, we discipline in our home, because everyone knows that there is little worse than trying to deal with an adult who is lazy, has never learned restraint, how to be told “no,” or how to take responsibility for their actions, or who has to be told what to do in every situation.
Children who are guilted or shamed into obeying never seem to really “learn” to make wise decisions. These are often the ones who leave their parent’s home and completely implode. Once they are out from under the cloud of “don’t upset me” and finally have the freedom they are designed to have, they often make wreckless, harmful decisions or fall into depression. And then, mommy to the rescue, right?
So, as I always say in these parenting posts, I’m still learning. My oldest is only 4 1/2 so I know that I am just beginning to learn how to be a good parent.
live well. be well.
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