The 2016 Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro are in full swing, and even though I haven't been tuning into every event, when I find myself near a TV that has the Olympics on, I'm completely engrossed. I was able to catch the qualification for men's pommel horse playing on one of the televisions by the bar when I was at LongHorn Steakhouse recently. It seemed an unlikely choice, but I suppose if seeing a bunch of fit people perform while you're glutting yourself on a filet and lobster tail combo doesn't make you want to drink top shelf, what will?
Men with with distinguished deltoids were spinning their legs around an apparatus I could only hope to use as a quirky bench when the waiter delivered the Chocolate Stampede I ordered. It was two enormous pieces of cake, not an appointment to run from a bunch of hippos through a Hershey's syrup pond. As I dug into this colossal dessert that looked more like a mansion for a chocolate chip with a trust fund than an item for human consumption, I didn't think to myself, "What a wonderful world," but instead, "I could never do any of these Olympic events."
Honestly, I think part of the reason people get so excited about the Olympics is because as much as we enjoy seeing all these world-class athletes compete and live their dreams, a tiny part of us is hoping to see some average person like us who infiltrated the games. A Waldo among Hercules. When we realize our Olympic optimism is misplaced, it can be disillusioning to know that while these people are breaking records all you've accomplished is breaking wind.
But we're being too hard on ourselves. The truth is, us average people are talented, too, and even if our efforts may be gold medal-worthy, they shouldn't go unnoticed. Here are but a few Olympic events reimagined for the modern mortal.
Synchronized Liking
When you're out with a group and someone posts a photo and everyone in attendance takes out their phone to "like" it at the same time.
Phone Charger Relay
When your battery is above 60% and you let someone borrow your phone charger but then that person lets someone else use it and pretty soon your phone is fading fast at 19% and you go from person to person looking for where your phone charger went.
High Barstool
When you're going to sit at the bar but first you have to figure out how to get your ass on what appears to be an unusually tall barstool designed to humiliate you, so you try to shimmy up without having to do a full hop and hoist, and somehow by the grace of Guinness you make it into the seat.
Women's Singles
When you're a woman on your period and you eat individual slices of cheese from the package because, what, do you have a problem with that? Are you giving me a look? Have you never seen a woman eat slices of cheese before?
Beach Melancholyball
When you're at the beach and you want to play volleyball but ugh the sand is just so hot and then you'd have to get up and what if someone steals this Victoria's Secret beach towel that came free with your $75 purchase? But that's not the real reason: you're just afraid. Afraid your serve won't make it over the net. Afraid to admit to yourself and the world that you want to be a part of something. You need to get out there. The time is now. Why are waiting for?
Rhythmic Gastrics
When you're alone at home and, well, you've eaten eggs.
Long Jump
When there's something icky on the sidewalk (puddle, gum, brown thing that could be poo, etc.) and you queue up "Eye of the Tiger" in your mind's jukebox and really go for it.
Hammer Throw Men
When a man insists on fixing something that's broken without any help, suggestions, or professional guidance but it isn't going well so he gets really mad at an uncooperative nail, mutters something about its mother, and throws his hammer on the floor.
Cycling DMX
When you're on a bike at the gym and DMX starts playing and suddenly you're yelling at all the other cyclists you're competing against in an imaginary digital race that YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 19 YEARS - even though you've only been intermittently popping into the gym the past three months - and if they want to fight you, they can FIGHT THESE TEARS.
Bob Slay
When you observe that you neighbor Bob is just really killing it.
Floor Exercises
When you lay on the floor intending to do yoga or some fancy ab-blasting sit-ups you saw online, but then you notice something shiny under your TV stand. You reach underneath, dodging the nest of cords, and recover a gold key. But what does it open? When did it get here? Suddenly yoga and sit-ups doesn't matter anymore, and you start looking underneath all your furniture to see what else you might find.
Freestyle Socking
When you're wearing a new pair of socks on a slippery floor and you start sliding around, adding in some jumps and twirls, really confusing the hell out of your dog.
Balance Sour Cream
When you're getting all the ingredients for some taco dip and you've got the cream cheese and the jalapenos and the shredded cheese and the lettuce and the tomatoes, but you forgot the sour cream. Now, because only a chump would set everything down on the counter before reopening the refrigerator, you try to balance everything in your hands while adding the sour cream container to the top of the pile.
Katie Hoffman is a writer living in the suburbs of Chicago. She enjoys leftovers, lunges, and laughs.
