I hesitate to write about my dental hygienist, because I’m afraid she’s going to read this blog and I’m going to have to face her in six months. If I disparage her, she’s got sharp instruments and a shitty attitude that I could see her using against me.
I’ve really got to stop telling people where my blog can be found. Because this dental hygienist and the rest of my medical professionals are a freaking overflowing cornucopia of possible blog topics. I try to be mysterious about how I spend my days, so that I can write snarky things about them, but I inevitably blurt out the URL and then instantly regret it.
I’m going to forge ahead with this dental hygienist story because I seriously doubt this chick reads humor blogs. She doesn’t appear to have a sense of humor and doesn’t seem to want one. What she does want is to be a real dentist. The way she looks down at the chart, looks up at the patient with a tilt of the head, the weary-yet-amused smile, all scream I WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL when in fact she has an associate’s degree.
None of that bothered me until she pulled the old ask-essay-questions-that-you-can’t-answer-because-your-ou-i-aw-uoul-uh-eeah-or. Ah, I thought, she’s old school. Fine. The first question she asked me I tried to answer with Morse code using only my uvula and a series of expressive eye blinks. After that failed, I decided to wait until I got home and answer her questions here.
Yes, I know what a Sonicare is. I was using a Sonicare before you were born, you little shit. I know how an electric toothbrush works and I also know that if you insist that I buy a particular brand, you’re getting a kickback for your recommendation. A toothbrush that shakes back and forth real fast is a toothbrush that shakes back and forth real fast. It’s nothing special because the box says patented technology, triumph, unparalleled and demonstrated in vitro to remove three times more plaque biofilm . . . What? In vitro? Where am I supposed to put this vibrating thing?
No, I don’t floss after every meal. What kind of a freak does that? I know you do, as does everyone who works in a dentist’s office. My doctor wants me to stop what I’m doing and snort salt water three times a day during cold and flu season, my women’s health nurse practitioner wants me to do breast self-exams every morning in the shower, my ophthalmologist wants me to stop reading every three pages and put eye drops in my eyes at a rate of $6 per drop, and my podiatrist wants me to throw out my heels and switch to Naturalizer with custom orthotics. The only people who do any of that are the people who live and breath their work in those specific areas. I’m not among them. I don’t work in any of those offices and I’m not doing any of that stuff.
No, I will not up my checkups to every 3-4 months. Every 6 months is fine for normal people and I’m normal. I’m not a dental zealot and I don’t scare easily. Also, I don’t owe you an explanation as to whether I can or cannot afford the extra two checkups that my insurance won’t cover. And, no, I do not think the insurance companies should be making that call. I think I should be making that call and I say no.
Yes, we do need the rain. Absolutely.
No, I’m not going back to the office after this. What do I do for a living? Nothing really. I don’t do anything. I’m not a writer or a blogger, or anything. And if I was I wouldn’t use my real name. And I wouldn’t write anything bad about you.
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Diane writes more about using humor to cope with things in life that suck. Read more of her Just Humor Me columns here. Sign up for our weekly e-newsletter to get new blog post notifications. And if you like her blog, you’ll love her book, Home Sweet Homes: How Bundt Cakes, Bubble Wrap, and My Accent Helped Me Survive Nine Moves.
