Photography via Natasha / @_nhphotoz
I have procrastinated writing this post for years. And by years, I mean almost a decade. Not because I didn’t want to write it, but because I rarely ever actively think about my child-free life, or children in general for that matter. Children are never on my mind. That’s is probably a good reason to not have them!? I only happen to think about my lifestyle "choice" when someone questions me about it.
At this stage of my life I do not owe anyone any explanations. It is my life, and I have to live it. In the past, whenever someone asked me to write about it I felt it will be like I am providing a justification to the world. However, after repeated requests to share my thoughts on this matter over the last couple of years, I decided to pen down whatever came to my mind, whenever I was asked this question.
So this post essentially is a combined entry of last two years of random thoughts. It was the only way this was ever going to get written. So here goes...
Why do you not have kids?
For the longest time I used to try and dodge this question with silence, or with a forced smile. Recently, however, I have found an answer to which no one has yet been able to follow up with an unsolicited advice or remark.Society: Are you married?
Me: Yes.
Society: Any kids?
Me: No.
Society: Why not?
Me: I don’t like them.
Society: You don’t like kids?
Me: Nope. Not even a little bit.
Pin drop silence, to my relief.
I have shared several of my conversations that I have had with South-Asians in-person, on this blog but let me tell you that the conversation 9/10 times is the exact same one even when I interact with people from other cultures. Children define all women across the globe. When I mention I don’t want kids, their follow up is, “you must have nieces and nephews” (I don’t!) or “you must have pets at least” (can’t stand them). I see their eyes going dark. They can’t fathom a lifestyle choice which doesn’t involve a responsibility or taking care of someone.
Did you always know you didn’t want kids?
No. I grew up in a big family - with uncles and aunts and cousins - all living under one roof. I too had assumed that that was a natural course of life. A tiny window in my head opened when I wrote a paper on ‘Adoption’ in high school. It was a mini-thesis. I researched it for one whole year. That’s when I realized there are thousands and thousands of orphans in the world, which made me wonder (question) that people who claim to love kids so much why wouldn’t they choose to improve the lives of existing kids in the world than to bring more? It seemed like a logical solution at that time. It was only later I realized humans procreate for selfish reasons. They want to see mini versions of themselves. They want to continue their bloodlines. They want to have an heir, and often use that as motivation to work and be productive members of society. I didn’t seem to want any of those things from my life. I didn’t know that back then but it did make me question the motives behind reproduction.When I met my husband, I told him about my thoughts. I wasn’t as certain about them as am I today but I was forthcoming about my thoughts and that potentially I might not want kids. I don’t think he gave any heed to my thoughts back then. It is just pure luck that our thoughts aligned on this matter and he too reached the same conclusion all on his own when the question of “to do or not do” arose. But I will keep this mostly about my own thought process. Someday, if he wishes to he can share his own views, in his own words.
It was not until I had decided to not have kids, that I realized that the whole world (socially, economically, conversationally) revolves around kids. Unfortunately that’s the only topic of conversation, most women (and some men) can think of when they meet a women above the age of 25 or married (whichever comes first).
Has your life been affected in any way by this decision?
One of the cons of a kid-free life is that you lose most of your friends. Not because either of you want to but because once they become mothers their world revolves around their kids. There is little to no place for you unless you can can some how fit yourself into their kids life. That’s just the harsh truth. I didn’t know that and was not prepared for such a shift. I have written about finding solace in my own company and looking for peace inward rather than trying to find it outside. Good thing I adapt quickly and truly love my own company. Life could have been isolating otherwise.
Don’t you ever think about: “What if ...?”
Motherhood to me personally is something of no interest. I assume it must be a wonderful thing for women who do desire for kids. It is a role which (I strong believe) involves 24/7 responsibility and a non-negotiable requirement to put another human’s needs first. Something I cannot commit to or even remotely wish to do. I have had the pleasure of seeing some amazing humans do parenting. They seem natural at it. They are bringing up these mini-humans and equipping them with all the tools they can to survive and make this world a better place. I have also had the not-so-pleasurable experience of seeing some terrible parenting. While I cannot say how those kids will turn out (some humans have the better sense to change their ways in adulthood) but their parents are not setting a good example in the least. I have also had some honest conversations with (multiple) women who wish they didn’t have children. They gave into the societal pressure or the body-clock pressure or didn't realize they had a choice. Today they believe they would not make the same decision if they had a do over. I on the other hand, whenever I hear about people's problems with their children, I think, I dodged a bullet. Whenever I see parents with their kids, my first thought is thank goodness I don’t have to do any of that - the good, bad and ugly - all of it! I have never had that “need” to be a mother. I don’t see myself in that role. I don’t want that role. What an injustice it would be to bring a human being in this world and not give them a home where they were truly wanted and will be loved.
How do you deal with society and family?
After twelve years of married life I can safely say that I've heard it all: "But you'd be such a good mom," they say. "You say that now, but wait until you see all your friends have kids." "You'll change your mind and then it will be too late." "There are so many people out there who want kids and are unable to have them." "You'll totally regret this." "Your life becomes so much more worthwhile when you have kids." "You'll have no one to take care of you when you're old." "You're being selfish." "Women’s life isn’t complete until she is a mother." I can go on and on ...Honestly? I don’t care about anyone else any more. I have always been strong-willed. No one can make me do anything. So giving birth to a child no less, due to external pressure was out of the question. But I know what you are asking: how do I deal with their questions. In my case living away from family has been extremely helpful for my peace-of-mind in this scenario. Since I only have to deal with this interrogation when I visit, it truly allows me to conjure up the patience to deal with it.
However, my parents have not bothered me one bit. I explained to them why and what I wanted from my life and they have given me the respect of being an adult and being capable enough to make my own decisions. Till today I do not know if they agree or disagree with me, because that is besides the point. I don't need their agreement, only need their understanding. With everyone else, I choose silence or divergence. It is hard. It is even frustrating sometimes. But that is the only way I know how to react to such conversations while still maintain my dignity and poise. You have to know your audience before you express your thoughts.
Some people tell me they can’t imagine living with my life choice, but the good news it that they don’t have to. I am thrilled with my life and my decision not to not have children. So many of my friends and acquaintances don’t have the choices and options and the independence in their life right now, that I do. I don't have the financial and time obligations that arise from having children.
I am a realist who is quite in touch with herself. I know myself. I know my wants and needs. In all my years of my existence, I have not yet taken a decision that I have regretted later. Everything I have said yes to, everything I have said no to, and everything I have let go has been the right decision for me. I am at peace with how my life has turned out so far which gives me the confidence that my decision is the right one for me.
