I should be sleeping right now.
And once you read this post you will agree with me on that.
But I can’t get something off my mind.
I wrote Monday about THIS QUOTE and how much I struggle with such a simple concept.
But really, it isn’t that I struggle with simply going to bed on time. It’s that I struggle to do so many things that I know are good for me, that will benefit me, that will actually make my life easier in the long run.
See, I’ve created this woman in my head, subconsciously really.
My imagined self. And she’s fantastic.
She gets up every morning at 6am, which is easy for her because she has gone to bed by 10 the night before.
She starts a kettle for green tea, not coffee, that brews while she is doing a Yoga DVD.
She then gets a quick shower, applies a tiny bit of makeup (I mean, she doesn’t need much because of that glow she has from getting all of that sleep, green tea, and exercise, obviously), fixes her hair and already has breakfast prepared by the time the kids wake up at 7:30.
Breakfast is always protein and vegetables with fresh fruit for a side.
Her day continues much like the morning. Efficiency, energy, organization.
Her home stays neat and tidy except for the times that the kids are playing.
She stays calm and steady, prepared and sure of herself.
During the children’s nap she reads a quality book.
She has meals prepared well in advance and is never scrambling eggs at the last minute out of sheer lack of creativity or forethought.
Her children are always fully dressed in clean outfits, and she never forgets to give them their vitamins.
She runs errands only twice a week, thus, improving efficiency, timeliness, and saving money.
She cleans one area of the house every day, so that it never gets out of hand.
Lastly, she gets in bed by 9:30 and is dozing off to sleep by 10, never allowing herself to zone out to episodes of HGTV, if for nothing more than a brain nap.
But that girl isn’t me. And as much as I would like to believe that I will some day get there, odds are, I never will.
I often don’t wake up until the baby starts babbling in his bed. Dishes sometimes don’t get done until later in the day, a shower sometimes can’t happen for 1 or2 3 days. I am sometimes still in my bathrobe or pajamas at noon. I have been known to throw on a movie for Henry just so I can take a nap.
At my last check up for the baby, I got in trouble for not working out.
Sunday, after church, I was CRAVING bar-b-que like you would not believe. So I did it. I ate pulled pork (full of nitrates and other crap), macaroni and cheese, turnip greens, green beans, mashed potatoes, and buttery toast. My poor body was apparently saving me from myself as I actually got really sick and tossed it all later that night.
My imagined self would have never indulged like that. In fact, she would have given me a stern lecture on why it was a ridiculous desire in the first place.
But you know what?
I’m done beating myself up over my failures. As much as I want to be that woman that I made up, I can’t be.
And I won’t pretend to be her on this blog, either. Because that’s easy to do. It’s really easy to only portray the sides of me that are attractive, appealing, responsible, and respectable. But it wouldn’t be the truth.
Wow…in an instant I am reminded of what truly matters:
Just as I am writing this, my little boy reached over, grabbed my hand and said “you’re the sweetest mommy”. (let’s not skim over the fact that my 4 year old is awake at 11pm…we had bible study, then he was hungry…anyway, that’s not the point).
The point is, that’s all I really need. There’s my victory. There’s my success.
I frequently get text messages from my husband while he is on the road telling me what a great job I am doing. How proud he is of me and how inspired he is by me.
I’m quick to point out my failures, and he is quick to dismiss them.
Because I’ve learned that if we all pretend to be this false version of our better selves, we will never become content with our journey.
Sure, I want to improve areas of my life. I am obviously lacking some discipline. And I will be working to make more of these things a priority.
But it doesn’t take away from the victories that I have every day.
I strive daily to become healthier than the day before. To love my children with patience and with the same unconditional love that has been shown me. To honor my husband and love him well. To love others as God has asked me to.
So no, I’m not proud of the times that I do things that I know are not good. But I’m also not going to give them any more credence than the good things.
A pastor told me a long time ago that we are all “stumbling in the right direction”.
I never forgot that, and although he was referencing our spiritual journey, I feel that it applies to every area of our lives.
Let’s give ourselves a break. After all, we are only human.
If God had expected perfection from us, he would have created us with that capability. The fact that he did not gives me great comfort when I fail.
Alright, so now it’s 11:30 pm...I told you I should be sleeping. Nah, this was worth it.
live well. be well.
