I hesitate to share the number of pounds lost here because when I start losing a lot of pounds - I know that will make people take notice... and I don't want to be noticed for how much I weigh anymore; heavy or not! I went down that path. I know how it feels to have every single person you see giving constant feedback about how I look. Ironically, as an obese woman, I am often "invisible" to people - especially men. Those who say anything are usually assholes who put me down to feel better about their miserable lives. But as I lost the fat, weight became even more a part of my identity. I could have just walked around wearing a T-shirt that said, "My name is Amy, and I lost 200lbs." It felt so good to finally have the acceptance I had longed to have from people. Even my own family treated me differently, they were proud of me in a way I had never experienced before.
I look back now, and feel as if I've let everyone down. On facebook, I have pictures of me from that time period - and those are the pictures people comment on. "Wow, you are looking great, how did you lose the weight?" Then I reply with, I lost it on Weight Watchers in 2005 - but I gained it back and am currently in the process of finding health. That always(sadly) ends the conversation. All of the pictures are me - regardless of how I look - it's me you see. I have the same humor, intelligence, passion, heart, and feelings - just the shell is different. And even there - I still have the same eyes, nose, lips, ears, eyebrows, hair, freckles, fingers, toes, belly button, etc. The worst thing about struggling with excess weight is that everyone can witness my personal battle all of the time - and because of that, they feel they have the right to judge...
Many times over the past five years or so, I feared that I won't find the health I seek. I have periods of weight loss, only to gain it back. I climbed right past my heaviest weight this Winter - and I feared the worst; but I have a lot of fight in me. I am fighting to be the woman I know I am. She is healthy, strong, and confident. If I focus on being the healthiest I can be, then the pounds will do what they will. My self-worth will not be connected to a number on the scale, and that, more than losing weight, is the work of my lifetime. I will achieve my health goals, I know I am capable - it's the mental battle that will plague me after the pounds are gone. In fact, that's the source in the first place - my belief that food will somehow take away the pain of; shame, fear, abandonment, and rejection. Ironically, it's true. Food can heal the pains of the body, if it's the right food... In times of doubt my mantra is:
My body wants to heal, it wants to work for me. I'm going to allow that now...
