I used to be all about the Oscars. The joke about them being the gay Super Bowl? I was more than happy to perpetuate that stereotype. For several years, Papa was in charge of the Oscar pool at his law firm — I was banned from participating after winning 2 years in a row. And as a couple, we took great pride in seeing every nominated film prior to the Oscars ceremony — sometimes even prior to the nominations being announced.
However, with the onset of parenthood, our movie-going habits declined substantially. And they certainly don’t include any Best Picture nominees. Nowadays, we either take Jon to see the latest kids’ movies, or we spend a rare date night seeing a sci-fi or superhero blockbuster — something that will keep us awake during our few hours of childlessness.
This year is the farthest yet we’ve fallen from our glory days of fine film viewing. The Oscars are in a couple of days, and we’ve seen exactly ONE of the eight nominated films. We should have seen this coming. Looking back at the years since Jon was born, here are our Best Picture nominee viewing stats: 2010 – saw 9 (of 10); 2011 – saw 4 (of 9); 2012 – saw 4 (of 9); 2013 – saw 2 (of 9). It’s a sad trend, isn’t it?
A few years back, I employed Jon’s help to recreate each of that year’s nominees. Seeing as he’s not as agreeable/posable as he was then, I instead just asked him to sum up all of the Best Picture nominees based solely on the name and poster for the movie — which is pretty much all I have to go on.
Without further ado, heretofore and whenceforth… I present to you, this year’s Oscar nominees for Best Picture, as summarized by my 5-year-old:
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BOYHOOD
It’s about a boy wearing a hoodie. Laying in the grass.
(12 Years A Slacker?)
WHIPLASH
A guy is standing on a pole.
Me: I think that’s a drumstick.
Oh! It’s a giant drumstick! (Laughs.) A guy what drums on a drum stick, because he’s going to jump down and then get back up and drum again. It belongs to a giant drummer, and he’s going to eat him!
BIRDMAN
A man having a bird. As a pet. Or maybe he crashes into a building and then becomes a bird.
THE IMITATION GAME
I explain that “imitation” means “to copy”
There’s a guy playing a game and he copies another guy. He wins.
Me: Are you supposed to copy people? Jon: No!
Me: Why not? Jon: Because… (Notices the background of the poster) …what are those things? (Answering his own question) I think they’re bug things.
Me: What do you mean?
There are bugs in inside of them Inside of them. Copying is a bad thing.
SELMA
Is the man Selma?
Me: What do you think is happening in the poster?
All the people try to fight Selma. He winned… because he had a sword.
(If only)
THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING
I think they will fight.
Me: Why?
Because they’re mad.
Me: How are they gonna fight?
(Ponders) …With swords.
(Enough with the swords, dude.)
THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL
There’s a moose! And a hotel. It’s pink.
Me: What happens in the hotel?
The moose jumps on it, then gets inside the hotel. Then he runs around, and everybody is running every direction and screaming, because they’re scared of the moose.
AMERICAN SNIPER
A guy is a soldier and he fights bag guys with a gun.
Me: Does he look happy or sad?
Sad.
(I ask him what he thinks “sniper” means.)
Friendship.
(I think I’ll let him think that for a bit longer.)
Based on Jon’s descriptions, which film do you think should win Best Picture?
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