Is there such a thing as a movie so bad that it can distort reality itself? If so, I nominate A Haunting in Salem. A little explanation. I am trying to develop an aesthetic for bad movies. I’m finding it not too difficult for movies that are so bad they’re good. Usually such movies are fun—whether intentionally or not. But there is a class of movie that is poorly written, poorly acted, poorly lighted, poorly set, poorly premised, poorly directed, poorly paced, and all without a hint of humor. That’s this movie. I watch bad movies because of my expensive habit. I stream movies. Since I work 9-2-5 and I’m tired by 5, I do this on weekends. I’m not paid enough to afford renting movies every single weekend, so I look for what I can find on the services I can access—Hulu, Netflix, and, mostly, Amazon Prime. I try to find something that grabs me.
I watched A Haunting in Connecticut and A Haunting in Georgia, as well as their remakes. The Salem in the title made me think this might have something to say about the Witch Trials. Perhaps it did but I was so busy groaning that I couldn’t hear it. Although set in Salem it was filmed in Pasadena (who would notice?). They used a 200-year-old house as a 400-year-old house, as if there’s no difference. There’s a scene where the daughter asks her mother about her father’s PTSD. She says something like, “He shot that man in the war. He thought he was a bad guy, but he was a good guy.” It’s difficult to write this badly, even if intentional. Sorry, I’m getting away from Salem. Well, it turns out that the witches were buried on the property of Judge Corwin’s house and they kill every sheriff and all their families, when they move in. This has been going on for four centuries but nobody has caught on? Even a scene where the mayor is shown raising the flag outside his office had me scratching myself bald. Is that one of the mayor’s duties?
Most of the time the actors act like there was no direction—showing the wrong emotions and not even remembering what was said just a minute ago. And you can’t really feel for anyone other than the deputy who seems to be trying to be a nice guy. Maybe this is my calling in life—to serve as a prophet warning my small band of readers what movies not to watch. I can’t recall the last time I couldn’t wait for a movie to end so that I could wash my eyes out with soap. Avoid A Haunting in Salem. Don’t even consider it.
