Today I have my 'serious pants' on as my husband likes to say, when I stop laughing at his usually funny jokes. Yesterday I wrote a fairly light hearted post about my post-wedding come down as being the reason for me feeling so flat. After careful contemplation I feel there may be more to my 'flatness' than simply grieving for my 'bride to be' status.Mothers Day. It's everywhere. This probably isn't the worst thing in the world for most of you and to be honest since becoming a mom myself it has definitely taken on a new light in my own eyes. It's still hard though. I am not sure if I've ever mentioned this on here before or not but my mom died when I was a baby. I was three months old and she was nearly 18. It was a tragedy. It is hard to explain to someone the grief you feel over losing a mother that you can't remember. Many people assume that it is not difficult at all. That's not entirely true - I believe the grief is different but yes it is still difficult, it is still real and it still hurts.
I haven't lost a person that I can remember, no. I haven't lost someone that used to take me places or make me laugh, brush my hair or hug me when I was sad. But I did. Growing up I used to dream of all those things. Of someone who would listen to me about my day at school, or watch me in the school play. I dreamt of someone who would think I was wonderful no matter what I did or said or what I grew up to be. I dreamt of a mom. To rub salt in the wound (just a little), my sister had a mom. My step-mum, she was all the things to my sister that I would've like my own mom to be. Loving, supportive (in her own way), interested. She believed my sister to be the most amazing, funny beautiful child that was ever made. She just didn't feel the same way about me. I'm not going to go into the step-mum saga here as it is a story for another day but suffice to say that this made me long for my mom even more. Long for a different life.
Ninety-five percent of the time my mom not being around is a non issue now. Over time I have learnt to accept it as just the way it is. Every now and then though I wake up and instead of feeling like a grown up, 28 year old mother of one, I feel a little bit like a sad, frightened, lonely five year old who is aching for her mommy. Mothers day is one of those days.
