I swear these crazy bitches are making my eyeballs pop out.
I think Ramona told my hairdresser’s cousin’s Mom’s housekeeper in Brooklyn.
I wanna go back to iHop. They have free refills and stuff.
Look at me! I’m Drita. Yo Yo. I’ll bust yooz up. BaBoom!
…and Lord, give me the strength to not pop off on that bitch.
So. How about those Mob Wives, huh?
Love. Them.
Yeah…you can (bleepin’) say what you want about them, but I think they’re good for the economy and we could use all the help we can get right now.
They may be an English Grammar teacher’s worst nightmare and (barely) a notch or two under Britney Spears on the Role Model chart, but they’re keeping Staten Island Emergency Rooms in business and that has to be good for the economy.
Sephora is probably also seeing a spike in the sale of dark jewel tone eyeshadows and those little round mineral dusting powder containers that make your face all sparkly.
Malls are always good for the economy. Even when they’re in the Boroughs, right?
But if there is one solid winner in all of this mess, it has to be the Staten Island Chamber of Commerce and the Restaurant Business.
Seriously.
Do these women ever eat a meal at home?
Last week, if I hadn’t witnessed Renee actually taking a big sloppy pan of pasta and placing it on the kitchen island, I would swear they didn’t even own working ovens.
These women like to eat out a lot. And slap each other around.
Usually at the same time.
This week was all about mending fences, spreading gossip and scarfing down appetizers as the Wives tried to figure out who was on whose side and who said what to who…or whom…or whichever the (bleep) is the proper grammatical phrasing.
Now that Carla and Karen had kinda sorta set up a fragile, temporary restaurant truce regarding their personal opinions on Ramona and Drita, it was time to see if it would hold up at least through the next couple of meals. Luckily the two managed to eat at opposing eateries all this week.
So far so good.
Drita’s big concern right now is actually finalizing her divorce from Lee.
After waiting years for him to come home from prison, it was Drita’s hope that Lee would return with both a new attitude and the envelope of soft porn fashion photos that she had mailed him earlier last season.
Instead she discovered that he had cheated on her and…well…that went down exactly as you would imagine it would go down. Nobody disses Drita.
Mr. T and Mrs. Dri both say “I pity the fool.”
Staying as far away from Drita as possible, Karen and her trusty sidekick Ramona are snacking across town and going over all the deets on Karen’s dinner date with Carla, which almost resulted in a Teresa Giudice Real Housewives of New Jersey table flip moment.
But this is Staten Island, and I guess they don’t flip tables unless it’s to use as a shield for gun fire.
Ramona, previously best known for her religious use of Crest White Strips and having her boob pop out a lot during roof top throw downs, is now rapidly becoming best known for having a mysterious, impossible to Google boy friend who was pulled over by 7 DEA officers.
Seriously…have you seen how many people are trying to find out who this guy is…? He’s like the Staten Island Justin Bieber in cuffs.
Ramona is a pit bull when it comes to protecting her BFF fake cousin Karen. You gotta admire the loyalty, even if it scares you. She is certain that Carla is being manipulated and mind molded by Drita to the point where she doesn’t even know what is true anymore.
I think that is like Mr. Spock used to do…or am I thinking of the Vulcan Mind Meld?
Either way, I wouldn’t want Spock or Drita’s hands on my face, so it probably doesn’t really matter. Just don’t touch me. Or hurt me. Please.
Ramona’s major pet peeve is that she heard that Carla or Drita or Carla and Drita have been saying that Ramona is Carla’s Archenemy.
Holy Ramona Rap Sheet, Batman! You don’t have to read comic books to know that an Archenemy is bad news.
Ramona claims to have heard this all over da place. In two Boroughs.
Now, I’m not sure how she heard this stuff, or what she really meant by all over da place.
It wasn’t clear if she was given this news by nosey neighbors hanging out the windows drying laundry in Little Italy, her technician at the ZOOM teeth whitening place or at various Visitor Centers and Tourist Info Booths in Staten Island and Brooklyn…but she got it in da Boroughs.
She got it in two of ‘em. And she kept sayin’ it.
All I know is that when I’ve been in Times Square and stopped by any booth, all I got was directions to Les Miz and a coupon for Sbarro pepperoni double cheese.
But no gossip.
They must do things differently in Staten Island.
Over at yet another fine eating establishment, Carla and Drita are also going over the deets on the Karen dinner date truce.
Carla let Drita know that she had forgiven Karen but that she was still Team Drita all the way. The only things that really came out of their sit down were some fancy coffee concoctions and the realization that neither of them remembered enough Geometry to help their kids with homework. That’s what the internet is for, ladies.
In still another snack shack, Karen and her daughter Karina knoshed on a little sumthin sumthin as Karen broke the news that she was shipping her daughter back to Arizona, where Karina would be safe from both the humidity and the Mafia.
You could tell that way deep down Karen is just another Mom worrying about her daughter, and there was even a brief moment of normalcy before Karen gave a big soap opera cry and I remembered this was VH1. She loves her daughter and that’s a good thing no matter what, so Karen gets the point in this match.
As part of Restaurant Week, Renee and Carla slipped into another eatery to gossip and slurp a cocktail.
Carla again went over the deets on her dinner with Karen. (Why don’t these Wives just set up a mass email blast and be done with this story? It’s gotta be wearing them out.)
Possibly as a side effect from her full body makeover, Renee has developed a major case of bug eyes when she hears something good.
Like cartoon bug eyes. And I love it.
They almost pop out like Will E Coyote when the anvil falls on his head. Beep Beep. Road Runner…the coyote’s after you.
I think I finally found someone who likes gossip more than I do.
Before Renee can even digest her massive fork fulls of salad she is off to the next restaurant to meet up with Karen and Ramona to stir the the drinks, and the pot, even more.
Not only is Renee in the middle of all the drama, but she has to keep the stories straight and remember who said what to who and whom and blah to the blah. In between bites of their tasty lunch we learned that Karen wanted to stick her foot in somebody’s neck until she couldn’t breath.
I guess that warm and fuzzy Arizona Mom Moment didn’t last very long.
For a second or two I started to lose track of who hated who as Ramona went off on Drita and how Drita had just married into the Mob and therefore wasn’t really an official card carrying member of the Lifestyle. She made it sound like you got a badge and 3D decoder ring if you joined, and for a brief minute I wanted to go all Italiano just to get some cool stuff.
Karen was slightly miffed that Renee sounded like she was defending Carla. Ramona said Drita was a Crumb Catcher. Except she said it all like “Crumb Catchaaah” and then claimed that all the Visitor Centers in two Boroughs were also talking smack about Karen’s fight with Drita.
I know, right? When do these Visitors Centers actually have time to just hand out maps?
Renee pushed her eyes back in her head and went to bed knowing that finally there was someone out there who made her seem like the normal one.
While all the Staten Island busboys were clearing tables, Drita had a few moments at home to toss all of Lee’s clothes into Hefty Cinch Sak bags and drag them to the curb. She wanted all his (bleepin’) crap outta the house, asap.
Finally we would get to see what was behind that secret Do Not Enter Lee ClubHouse door when Drita busted in to fill another bag or two.
I was on the edge of my seat.
Wah. Wah. Waaaah. Talk about a letdown.
After weeks of hoping to find bodies, Zoot Suits and wads of Mob cash, it was just a bed and three baseballs inside those plexi display cubes from The Container Store.
Seriously? What a rip.
Filling all those garbage bags must have made Drita hungry, because they were all right back out at another restaurant before the Sanitation Truck even pulled down the street.
By the time Renee, Carla and Drita got served I needed a spreadsheet to keep track of what was going down.
Deep breath…Drita didn’t wanna make up with Karen…Renee felt like she was in the middle all the time, and felt disloyal to everyone…Carla hated Ramona…Ramona wasn’t even there, but supposedly said that Drita said that one of them told Renee’s sister-in-law that Junior only married Renee because her father was in the Mob and that Junior is nothing without Renee which is a lie…Renee said that Karen and Ramona had nothing nice to say about Drita…and Carla was wearing feather earrings like Cher used to wear.
Literally, the whole scene gave me an ice cream headache.
Luckily, next week is Spa Day at Renee’s.
Karen is getting all the Wives together for manis and pedis and facials. There will be loofahs and lotions and hopefully a few T-bone steaks in the freezer to slap on any black eyes or concussions, because you know something big is gonna go down when this gang gets sealed up in one room.
And…it’s the Return of Big Ang!
Now that is gonna be some (bleepin’) good (bleep!)
