Seriously…how come I never get to wear the hot chick costumes?
Check these out, Charlie Brown. I gotz your two Great Pumpkins right here.
Put your hands in the air and wave ‘em like you just don’t care, witches.
I gotz your big bag of sugary treats right down here, boys.
That type of off color innuendo would be completely inappropriate in Boca.
Trick or Treat. Smell my Feet.
Mouth Off to Me, and You’ll Get Beat.
Stock up on Snickers bars and pay off your Blue Cross premium, bitches, because it’s Halloween on Staten Island.
And this week the Mob Wives celebrated the holiday in style.
Gangstah Style.
To set the mood, Drita and Carla took their kids to the local pumpkin patch to select a few festive front step decorations. As the kids ran around like Mini-Me faux furred versions of their Mob Moms, Drita and Carla discussed Renee and her not so steady state of mind.
Having her on again/off again ex-husband Junior move back into the house has put a lot of pressure on Renee. Add to that the fact that as soon as he finally finishes unpacking he is being sent back to prison, and the whole thing is just asking for trouble.
Renee’s mental state is like that pothole you keep hitting on the way to work every day, that keeps getting bigger and more jarring every time you run over it. You know that sooner or later the tire is going to completely blow, but you keep thinking that you can go one more day without adjusting the rims.
Drita is hosting a Halloween party and hoped that the event would not only help cheer up Renee, but as an added bonus, stick it to Ramona who is not invited. But it turned out that Ramona and her White Strips (…wasn’t that a ’60′s Girl Group?…) were hosting their own party as well, so that one sunk before it even left the longshoreman’s dock.
Carla, who as previously noted, has been gradually morphing into the Staten Island Community Theatre’s version of Cher, is still loyal to Her Girl Drita. Even though she was invited to Ramona’s party…she ain’t going.
Fake Cher don’t play dat.
But Fake Cher does wear a big wrap around shawl just like Real Cher did at the start of every episode when she had her own TV show. I swear that’s what she was wearing.
Remember how Real Cher used to start out with a slow ballad intro and then fling that thing off and then she would be all skimpy Bob Mackie underneath? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you’re too young to be up this late and definitely too young to be watching Mob Wives. Find a channel where they don’t swear.
And do your (bleepin’) homework.
I totally expected Fake Cher to whip off her shawl in the middle of the pumpkin patch and bust out some Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves, but she didn’t. And I’m not ashamed to admit that I was more than a little bit disappointed.
But hey…they were there for the pumpkins, not the floor show. Drita opted for a weenie little pumpkin, which I’m going to assume was chosen not only for it’s seasonal ambience, but also because it would not make too much of a splatter in the event of any annoying drive-by shooting.
Next we started the weekly Mob Wives Restaurant Tour as Ramona and her BFF Lina took in a little nosh.
There were a number of insignificant second and third string Mob Wive BFFs coming out of the woodwork this week, but they gave our Wives a chance to dish and do a little backstory character development.
I know, right? I would have preferred a bitch slap, but sometimes you take what you can get, I guess.
While Lina sucked on her cocktail and nodded like she was hosting a talk show, Ramona relived her marriage to an Arabic mobster who sucked her into “the lifestyle” before she even knew what was happening. She blamed him for making her a Mob Wife, and for being the reason she is where she is today. (Today being sitting in a restaurant while your new boyfriend is in jail.)
I’m not sure why between Arabia and Staten Island our girl couldn’t find one nice boy with all the points still on his driving license, but I didn’t ask.
Ramona lamented how her father was upset that she didn’t marry someone who wasn’t FBI. (Full Blown Italian…not the governmental FBI. Der.)
While Lina was spelling out FBI on a napkin, Carla and Karen were whacking balls on a golf course. It was a pretty pointless scene, but I’m bring it up just so I can use the words “whack” and “balls” in the same sentence.
Moving on.
Back at Renee’s, she was beached on the couch howling Junior’s name while he was tring to shave. Dude is not the kind of person I would want to poke with a stick while he is holding a razor blade. Just saying.
Since their recent disastrous attempt at Couples Therapy when Renee casually mentioned that she is just now allowed to have carnal relations face up, it’s been a little tense around Casa Graziano.
She apologized, sorta, but Junior ain’t buying it. The whole thing was just another screaming match between Renee and Junior’s squinty scar, and didn’t solve anything. It ended with Junior heading back upstairs to find that razor, and Renee (bleepin’) her (bleep) off.
Ramona and Karen hit up the local iParty in search of those plastic bagged costumes that poor college kids buy online. You’d think with all that (…alleged, thank you…) Mob Money and book advances they could have found a nicer Halloween shop. I love me some Mob Wives, but that doesn’t mean I can figure out how they think.
Ramona wanted to be a Devil, and Karen wanted to be anything that let her show off them Gravano boobs.
Thank you, genetics. She never even went down the aisle that had the nun costumes.
Across town, my Reality TV Goddess Big Ang and all her Big Ang-ness were hitting up the local wig shop with Drita and Carla. The whole thing was classic Staten Island I Love Lucy as Big Ang tried to balance off her ginormous breasts with a Soul Train afro while Drita stuffed a few rolls of bubble wrap in her bra in a futile attempt at recreating all of Big Ang’s awesome sauce.
During the comic relief, Carla pointed out that anyone just out of prison couldn’t be in the same vicinity as another felon. Not only did that mean her man Joe could not attend the Halloween party, but I’m going to assume it also meant that he could probably no longer live in Staten Island.
Then it was back to another restaurant with Karen, Renee and Carla. Before the main course even made it out of the kitchen, Renee was in tears again.
Junior was going back to prison. If it wasn’t him, it was her father. She can never seem to get them on the same incarceration schedule, which must make it hard to plan holiday meals.
Now even her father’s driver was picked up, for whatever Mob figure drivers are picked up for nowadays.
Throughout Renee’s entire meltdown, Karen tried to calm her down while Carla stared blankly ahead as if she couldn’t remember whether she had turned the iron off or not before leaving the house.
I’m pretty sure that Carla is over it.
Later on, Karen and yet another second string BFF discussed the upcoming tell-all book and Karen’s cell phone argument with her man Dave.
Everyone is predicting the book to be a best seller. I’ll just mention that I saw it this weekend at Barnes & Noble for 20% off without the Members Discount.
You make your own judgment. I just report the news.
Even later on, still another third string BFF was introduced as Drita caught up with her cousin Sadia on the phone. Since all the Wives call their Besties their “cousins,” I’m not sure if Sadia is a real one or not. But id didn’t really matter, since the only thing we learned in this scene was that Drita scored a Buy One/Get Two Free pasta special and makes a mean Shake & Bake chicken.
(Seriously. Am I the only one with a keen eye for detail? You need to scope out your surroundings, people. There may be a test at the end.)
Best Family Moment goes to my idol Big Ang and her son AJ sitting around the kitchen discussing Wise Guys and pizza pies.
Remember that scene in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy first opens the door into Munchkinland and there is just crazy bats*** color in your face? Big Ang’s place is kind of like that.
Like they were filming a Rachael Ray infomercial in a living room belonging to one of those Jerseylicious salon girls right when a twister came through and scooped them all up and dumped them in Oz.
Like that.
All the orange and yellow pans that Rachael always hawks on QVC were there, hanging right next to a gigantic glossy full size zebra that I’m going to assume was purchased by one of Big Ang’s many beaus to pick up her spirits after a boob job. Mob Dog Louie in his chicken coop playpen was a nice finishing touch to the decor. That dog is a hoot.
AJ is thinking about opening a pizza place. Maybe in Boca, where Mom could retire and lay on the beach all day. In a bikini.
Two scooters and one Stair Chair lift went off track at the mere mention of that one. I don’t think Boca has enough fully charged respirators on hand when AJ decides to make that dream come true.
The actual Halloween parties were pretty low key, as far as Mob Halloween parties go, I guess.
Junior and Renee went as Prisoners in orange jumpsuits, which led me to believe they just grabbed something from the laundry basket and headed out the door.
Carla went as Cher, which only required a wig and some breath mints.
Drita was a Hot Pink Hello Kitty Stewardess kind of thing.
Ramona kept her promise to be a Devil, and Karen kept her promise to unleash her boobs on Manhattan in a Naughty Nurse costume.
Karen’s strategically placed stethoscope caught the attention of a creepy slickster who really knew his way around a hookah and blew smoke out of places that I didn’t know smoke could come out of without a piercing. Junior had a mysteriously unexplained bad attitude attack and had to leave Ramona’s party early before he unleashed his own smoke on somebody.
Renee had started the evening on a positive note, dancing like a white girl pretending to be gangstah and having a great time, but soon slid back into her bluesy funk and it was clear that something ain’t right.
There were no major throw downs, but I would still have your parents check all the Trick-or-Treat candy before you eat anything.
Just sayin’.
