What the (bleep)? If I’d known this was a costume party I would have dressed up. Dammit.
Mission Control: Initiate bat s*** crazy launch sequence in 3…2…1…
We have lift off.
Whatever. Mama needs a cigarette. This way, boys…
OhMyGodOhMyGod! Did you see? It’s Big Ang. I Love Her!
I’m buggin’! Didn’t anybody read the (bleepin’) invite? It said costumes!
I know, right? Trust me…I’d rather be smashing this vodka bottle on your face.
Seriously.
Why do these women keep having parties?
Haven’t they learned anything in three seasons? Parties = Fat Lips.
And not the Big Ang ”Boop Boop” good kind.
The Season Finale of Mob Wives was everything that we’ve come to know and love about Staten Island over the years. Big hair, big earrings, big attitudes and big throw downs with even bigger bouncers swooping in from seemingly nowhere to break it all up before anyone loses an eyeball or an extension.
The Mob Wives we know and love was finally back. And just under the wire, thank you.
All season long, the gossipy Love vs. Carla train had been threatening to careen out of control, taking down any innocent bystanders unlucky enough to be standing on the platform when it jumped the tracks. It just needed a catalyst.
And nothing gets a Mob Wives party going like…well…like a party, I guess.
Whenever these women all gather together, it’s asking for trouble. Big trouble. And Drita‘s 1980′s-themed birthday party was no exception.
They may be living in a Material World, but trust me…Love is a Battlefield.
(And that, kids, is called a smooth as buttah segue. The More You Know.)
We started out with Ramona and Karen on a search for some vintage ’80s Wear, which didn’t look much different than anything from the Spring 2013 Staten Island Collection.
But whatever. We don’t judge here.
It was their first time together since the infamous Pre-Nup Party that Karen had arranged, which had either been an innocent chance for the women to collect valuable financial information or an opportunity for Karen to sneak in a couple of pokes at Ramona’s upcoming nuptials. Nobody was really sure what that whole evening had been all about, if you asked around.
But thanks to loose cannon Love Majewski, nobody had much time to worry about any potential ulterior motives because they were all too distracted by her going completely Cray Cray on one of Ramona’s friends who had just happened to look her way from the other side of the bar that evening.
I mean Crayola Cray Cray. Full Box of 64 Cray Cray. With a built-in shiv sharpener.
I’ll Stab You To Death Cray Cray.
And now Love had been invited to Drita’s party. The same party that Carla had been invited to. Both of them were invited. You might want to get out your brass knuckle iPhone, open the calculator app and do the math on that one.
Needless to say, both women were a little on edge thinking about how the whole thing could go down, but Karen felt that she could tell Love to simply chill out at the party and it would happen, in much the same way I can will a herd of Pamplona cattle to come to a dead halt during the Running of the Bulls. Because I can do that, you know.
Good luck with that, Karen.
Speaking of Carla. She and soon-to-be Ex Joe met up for some pizza and legal talk.
Divorce. The least of her problems, as she quickly stated. Turns out that even the end of her marriage was less stressful than the ongoing Majewski gossip mill, and now that Love was publicly accusing Joe and his Dad of stealing the Angel Wings logo right off of her wrist tattoo while she slept, the whole thing was just about to boil over. You wanna come at me? Come at me.
Next we hit the highway with the Birthday Girl herself, cruising around town, talking hands-free on her cell and experiencing a mash-up of black & white Film Noir flashbacks as she prepared for the arrival of husband Lee, who was due to be released from the Halfway House in a matter of weeks.
Hearing him on the other end of the phone always messed with Drita’s head a bit, and this time was no different. Lee knew it was time to make a change, and Drita was willing to risk it all one more time for the sake of her family.
Granted, she risked it all ‘one more time’ the LAST time he came out of jail and then ended up back in the slammer after approximately 2 1/2 hours of freedom. But maybe second time’s a charm, because he sounded pretty sincere. And Drita really wanted to get some ManCandy back in her house before she lost her mind and chewed through all the throw pillows. So they both agreed to give this whole thing one mo’ try.
As Drita was getting all giggly and distracted on the road, Ramona and her white teeth were across town trying on gowns for a wedding that may or may not actually take place. And even if it does, there’s no guarantee that there’ll actually be a groom in any of the album photos.
The whole thing is a little iffy. Boyfriend “Joe Boy” Sclafani was still working on getting permission for his quickie release (…get your mind out of the gutter, please…) which would then trigger a domino effect wedding extravaganza that would need to be pulled off within 48 hours or so. Which, as has been noted previously, is barely enough time for the caterer to thaw out any of the good stuff.
But Ramona was determined to find a dress and get married, even if Joey had to Skype the whole thing in from the prison’s workout yard. Not an ideal situation, but if worse came to worst at least you know the groom’s party would be seriously jacked-up. Like on HBO. Just don’t get me started on the Bachelor Party, if you know what I mean.
Ramona took her BBFF (…Boy Best Friend Forever…duh…) Sammy to Bridal Reflections and forced him to sit through more costume changes than a Celine concert until she finally found the perfect gown.
Despite not having the solid support of friends (…I’m talking to you, Gravano…) or family (…I’m talking to you, la Rizzo famiglia…) Ramona loved Joey and couldn’t wait to marry her man. Sammy just smiled a lot.
Then it was time to get ready to Par-tay.
I guess everyone had their own interpretation of what the ’80s were like, because I’m not really sure where they were all going with their costume choices. Big Ang hit the salon for some big hair, and then wrapped herself in white leather and a fur coat that I swore she wore last week. But she’s Big Ang. She can do no wrong.
While Karen and Ramona were getting their hair and makeup applied, no one had yet heard from Love. Was she still coming to the party?
Karen had received a text earlier in the day, and in it Love casually mentioned that she may have broken her hand when she slammed it through a wall and hit a steel beam after imagining that she had seen Carla’s face appear in the sheet rock. The way Elvis or Jesus faces always show up in bags of Cheetos.
Except it was Carla’s face. And it was in sheetrock.
For all you mathematicians out there…Cray to the umpteenth power of Cray.
Karen hit Love up on her Sidekick, who instantly picked up and already appeared to be sharpening another box of Crayolas with her good hand. She had broken six bones, but didn’t give a F*** and was more than ready to unleash on Carla if she so much as pointed a finger in her face. Love then proceeded to ramble on in some language that I’d never heard before and then hung up on Karen.
Ramona blurted out that she was afraid Love and Carla would start fighting like sea urchins, which made such little sense that I had to get up and walk around for a minute just to decompress.
Sometimes, I tell you. These women.
Finally…the party!
Carla and Big Ang showed up first. As in…nobody else was there yet. Apparently all the traffic lights worked in their favor that night.
Ramona and Karen arrived next, all Material Girl-ed up and ready to get their MTV Veejay on. Hey…at least they looked like they were in costume.
I’m still not sure who Carla and Big Ang were channeling. Carla kind of looked like she was wearing Cher‘s Turn Back Time bodysuit, but you couldn’t see her butt cheeks and she wasn’t straddling a warship cannon. But I think it was Cher.
Drita was late to her own party, but she had a ton of bracelets to put on…so cut her some slack. Right behind her were Renee and BFF Nikole. Renee’s ginormous hair and Nikole’s exposed boobs actually arrived first, followed shortly thereafter by the rest of their costumes. Just. Whoa.
Renee didn’t really want to be there with Carla, but she was taking one for the team as they stood on opposite sides of the room and watched each other like it was a turf war.
Or stray cats in heat marking bushes.
And then the Crazy Plane landed. Put your trays in the upright position and pray that the oxygen masks fall from the overhead compartments.
Love was in the hizzle. In a cast. And already losing her shizzle.
Before the first appetizer, she announced that she wanted to rip Carla’s face off like a Bath Salt Zombie. And then eat it. Maybe some birthday cake would have taken the edge off, honey.
Drita and Big Ang then suddenly decided that they needed a smoke and left the building.
Really? Now? Let’s review. A couple of things you should never do: Leave a candle unattended. Leave a baby in the car. Leave relaxer on your hair too long. And leave the building when Love Majewski and Carla Facciolo are in the same room.
Karen tried to play Switzerland and complimented Love on her behavior. Wrong. Love wasn’t behaving. She was waiting. Because she demands respect. Expects Respect.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me.
For whatever reason, Karen then decided that she should sit Carla and Love down at the same table to discuss their issues. Nice work, Gravano.
Boom.
Love loses her shiz, cracks Carla across the face with her cast and then the whole party went total Mob Mosh Pit in under 7 seconds.
Screaming. Yelling. Hair pulling. Ramona chanting ‘No Fighting No Fighting’ like that would make a bit of difference in the grand scheme of things.
Full disclosure: I’ve watched that scene about 100 times so far, and I have no idea where all those security guys came from so fast. Trap doors? Ceiling panels?
Backwards down the wall like Batman and Robin used to do? BAMF-ing out of thin air like Nightcrawler did in the X-Men movie?
No clue.
But there were a million of them. And mostly all bald for some reason. All pushing and shoving and knocking over all the skinny VH1 sound guys who were just trying to keep their wobbly microphone sticks in the air.
Karen lost her nutty when some big doof wouldn’t let her near Carla. She didn’t want Carla to think it was a set up and needed to find her. (Wasn’t this the same script from the time everyone pounded on Drita?)
Carla’s hand was bleeding like a mutha. Drita and Big Ang came back in from having a Newport and thought they were at the wrong party. Then Drita lost her nutty.
There was a lot of nutty losing going on that night.
Finally, one of the bald guys managed to pry Love off of Carla’s face and separated the two of them. Drita took Carla to a meeting in the ladies room while Karen went outside and jumped in Love’s getaway car to lay down some smack.
Love. Is. Insane.
End of story.
Back inside, it was Renee of all people, who came to Carla’s aid before she bled out on the carpet. Before her time at Transitions, Nurse Renee knew that vodka could numb anything, so she doused Carla’s hand with liquor and patched her up in a snap. It was almost like they kinda sorta bonded and made up in an emergency triage tent.
Deep down, Renee is a good person, and she proved it to Carla. They let the building happier than when they arrived.
Drita stuck around to have her cake and pretty much set the building on fire with the biggest sparkler candle evah.
Love and her bag full o’ crazy squealed off down the highway, never to be seen again.
(Spoiler Alert: Love just got fired from next season, and un-invited to the recent Reunion Show taping. So see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.)
Karen left, more determined than ever to get her father out of prison. Ramona set her sights on a Summer wedding, with or without a groom.
And Big Ang? She likes the Wise Guys, but not the drama.
Staten Island just survived Hurricane Sandy and the Mob Wives.
That is (bleeped) up.
See you at the Reunion, bitches.
