Matt Walsh thinks that suicide is "The complete, total, absolute rejection of life. The final refusal to see the worth in anything, or the beauty, or the reason, or the point, or the hope"
In that statement, amongst many, Matt Walsh displays his nearly infinite ignorance of clinical depression. He, though, says he has battled it himself but then turns around to show he has no understanding of what he purports to "teach" others about.
I have dealt with severe depression and am only alive now because I was unsuccessful in my own suicide attempt. I was serious in my attempt, I very nearly died. And thought things got better for me with treatment and medications I have still had recurring bouts of severe depression. I understand from personal experience that when severe depression hits, when you find yourself in the grips of it, that suicide isn't one option of many, it seems like the only option.
I will tell you about my attempt to hopefully shed light on Robin Williams suicide and that of others as well.
In October of 2002 I was stationed at Schofield Barracks. I had never dealt with severe depression before, though I had been sad so that's totally the same thing like having a slight headache is the same things as a migraine or that not liking spiders is the same thing as a clinical phobia right?
When this hit at first it was about my poor performance in the Army, then it became about my impending break up with a woman I had dated for maybe a month. I started drinking heavily one night. Broke up with my girlfriend and was slowly spinning out of control. By the end of a night of heavy drinking I was being eaten alive by my insecurities. I was having flashbacks of every single thing hurtful that every happened to me.
Then came the guilt of every single thing I had ever done wrong. One scene after another played in my minds eye and I was distraught and grieving at the train wreck that was my life, it wasn't just bad at the time, it seemed that it had always been awful. It felt like my failures, my sins and even my inaction's were beyond sympathy or empathy, I felt like I was beyond all hope or help and that the only thing I could do to escape futher failures, further pain was to end my life.
And there were people in my life I should have turned to but based on the reactions I received after my attempt I am certain they had nothing of value for me because I encountered many, many people who thought along the same lines as Matt Walsh and Rush Limbaugh, people who had never dealt with what I had dispensing "wisdom" about how to deal with depression, it was like taking sex therapy advice from a virgin.
But it was because of that attitude that I just sucked it up and didn't let on that I was severely depressed. No one knew how I really felt because I never talked about it because I knew no one I knew would understand. And for years no one I knew did until I met my current wife. She helped me as much as doctors had.
There are things you can do if you fall into a bout of severe depression, you can get help by going to rehab (because if you have an addiction and are depressed you may relapse) Robin Williams was in treatment in July of this year so he was trying to fight it. I am always in treatment but I have to stay on top of it and have blood tests done for the medications I'm on.
But just as I fought severe depression for weeks one night it just over powered me and my pain exceeded my ability to cope and I lost the fight. But I survived for reasons unknown.
After I took 7 bottles of sleeping pills and washed it down with a 5th of spiced rum I blacked out. The next thing I remember was sitting in a very small but cozy room with lots of pillows and blankets. I remember, for the first time in a long time, feeling completely content and truly happy. I was talking with a man and I did more listening than talking.
I was being told he was my guide on the other side which was heavy because at the time I was an atheist. I was told I had so much to do in this life that now would go to others but that these things were made for me to do. I was told that I had no cause for concern, I was home now and I was loved. I was told not to worry about the life I left behind, my worries were over. But this man did say it was a shame that I ended my life because there are experiences that can only be had in this life and it was a shame I would lose out on those experiences. But I was told it was all alright.
I was also judged favorably by this man who said I didn't live a good life but I was a good person. As I wondered how that is possible I was told "you have made bad choices but you have a good heart."
As this man was telling me about all these wonderful things I was supposed to do, all these wonderful things I was supposed to experience, I felt regretful. I have never felt more regret in my life than I did at that moment and then I remember thinking I would do anything just to have one more chance at life. And the next thing I remember I woke up in the hospital in the ICU.
I was told by my doctors to expect brain damage from everything I took but I never was found to have any lasting damage from that night. I was lucky because I got my 2nd chance. Robin Williams and countless others may not have had that option.
Robin Williams and others may have tried to talk, but like me maybe they felt no one truly understood and refused to tell even those closest to them. It is a shame that a man who brought such joy and happiness to others could not do so for himself. But that's part of severe depression, nothing is funny or happy and it truly feels like it will last forever. It makes one night feel like forever and at the end of it they lost their battle with severe depression the same as a terminally ill patient might lose their battle with the disease.
It is a shame that so many people lose their battle with severe depression. It can be prevented but after a life time of dealing with this kind of battle many simply give in.
For me it wasn't just a matter of battling only depression, it was the beginning manifestation of schizo-affective disorder. Severe depression is often times a symptom of a more serious mental illness not that it is not a mental illness all on its own. And suicide is often a symptom of depression. I hope my experiences shed light on what it's like to attempt suicide either successfully or not.
