Today marks the 4th month since I found out about the betrayal.
I decided in the beginning to write once a monthabout our situation.
In part to document this journeyfor myself.
In another partto help othersbecauseas soon as the betrayal was revealed to memy first question to myselfand
then to my doctorwas ...
How does anyone survive betrayal.
Especially after being married 30 years.
At that time I wasn't even interested inhow does a marriage surviveI hurt so bad insideI thought I might truly dieof a broken heart.
I had panic attackswith the most serverechest pains
dizziness
with feelings of drifting off to a place
where I wouldn't even exist.
I truly thought I was loosing my mind.
I also had huge fears at the time of dying of
a heart attack or stroke.
It was so bad I ended upwith full batteries of testsincluding cardiologist visits.
The good news is I got a clean bill of physical health.
I will never again underestimate
the power and interconnectedness
of body and mind.
Which brings me to this post title
The Silver Linings of Betrayal
Because like so many times in lifeif you look really hardyou can find much goodin the very, very bad.
Off the topI have lost 20 pounds during this ordeal.I would like to take creditwith a healthful plan herebut most of the loss occurred during the very first 6 weeks that were such hellI wouldn't wish that kind of weight loss on anyone.
I was a complete messand could neither eat and even worsesleep evaded me.There was no escaping the brutal truth.
But fast forward to nowand
I have been able to implement so many healthful habits
both physical and mental.
I have continues to hike in natureandI have added 4-5 days of Pilates to my routine.I am up to the level 2 reformer classes.
What I love most about Pilatesis that it is so new to meI have to so completely focus on learning new movementsI can't think of anything else.Such a gift during difficult times.
I have also been more cognitive
of the food I put in my body.
I have once again addedthe Glowing Green Smoothies back into my weekly mornings.I wrote about them HERE.
There was such a breaking open
it has me digging deeper
to ask myself
what is it
that I really want out of
my life
body, mind and soul.
As far as our marriage goesJeff and I are lcloser than ever.
We can talk about anything now with each other.A total change from before the November revelation.
We are both still in individual counseling
as well as
marriage counseling.
We spend time reading together
our own copies of
After the Affair.
Which is a book that addresses
the need for both parties to heal from the betrayal.
As I have said in every post I have written about the betrayal
here and hereI do not take responsibility for the deedbut I do totally see how we had both sowed seeds for trouble
by not making our marriage a priority.
By not looking at my part in the betrayal
I remain a powerless victim.
By examining my own role in the actual years
in it's making
I not only take my power back
but I can whole heartedly
make changes in our marriage.
I know to actually make our marriage successful
after this situation
it will take the both of us
completely committed to learning
how we got there
and
learning how to make a new and more loving
marriage.
Looking backI know I had settled into thinking
and even worsetruly believingthat our joyless almost sexless marraiagewas what marriage after 30 years looked and felt like.
Looking back I cringe that I accepted what we had.
But I guess it once again goes back to
You have to know betterto do better.
And if I can share anythinglet it be
Marriage after 30 years truly can be passionate and fulfilling.
Coming at marriage properlyyou can work so that the long history you have togethercan be a binding forcewhich creates a deeper, stronger connection.
But without a strong focused intention on both sidesthose years togethercan turn against you.
Where there becomes a mental collection of hurts both big and small over the yearsthat can cloud out the love and respect in a marriage.
Which makes it all too easy to begin
to check out mentally and emotionally.
Which is why as horrific the hurt of the betrayal has been
in that it was a violent explosion of our marriagethat blew things apart with such force.
The explosion
made us open all of the boxes of the past
to ask ourselves
and
each other
how we got there.
I feel in the aftermathwe are able to sift through the emotional carnageand pick up and save the beauty and love of our past.
(hopefully some day
the pain won't be such a tainting force).
One of the biggestSilver Linings of Betrayalhas been truly realizing the love we actually do have for each other.A love that had gotten buried under so much ofjust getting through lifeand
the raising of children.
We had made the mistake early onin raising childrenof putting them firstbefore our marriage.
It is more of a wonder that we made it as far as we didwithout breaking open.
I told myself I would never give my children marriage advice nowbut the one thing I do truly know nowis that I have to put God/Higher Power firstthen marriagethen children.
It's never to late to learn.
Another great Silver Lining After Betrayalis that our sex life has never, ever been better.
Personallythere is nothing like being sexually betrayedthat gets you to really look and questionyour own sexual self.
And then questionwhat do you really want your sex life to be.
For me
I know that I felt bad
and
focused immensely
about my perceived
body imperfections
and that
definitely had me holding back.
I am now teaching myself to not only make peace with
the body I have today
but
also to focus on all it can do
and
begin to let go of
cultural stereotypes of perfection.
I am committed to
learning to love
the body I have today.
So my advice to anyone would be to figure it out ahead of the curve
what you want your sex life to beandnot have your life blow up before you decide.
Learning to truly
love ourselves
makes us so much more able
to love others fully.
I don't know if we would have made the changes
in our sex lifeif we hadn't gotten to such a candid emotionally raw and
brutal
spot in our marriage.
I personally had to truly learn
the importance of
loving myself and my body
as I am today.
Silver Linings.
All of this talk aboutSilver Linings After Betrayal makes it sound like everything is all good and new now.
It's not.
Some days are more of a struggle for me than others.
The worst thing I do to myself
is during a string of good days
is to think
Oh I have gotten through this emotional chasm
and
roller coaster ride!
I am all good now!!
I am not.
It only takes an ominous trigger
to take me down like a crashing wave,
But these days
I am
so much stronger
and
quicker
to get myself up
brush myself off
and
continue forward
making
the very best of
what lessons there are to be
learned on this journey
and
any good to be found.
So much of deciding to thrive in life
is giving yourself
grace
and
picking yourself up
as many times as it takes
brushing yourself off
with the mental clarity and intent
of being determined
to make the most out of each day.
I think it is so important to take the time to reflect on every good there is in a day.
It's even more important
during life's hard journeys.
I am feeling strongerin the direction our marriage is taking.
But truth be told
I am left with the aftermath of the emotional traumathat has left me even more anxiety ridden than before.
So I am not only committed to making our marrigethe absolute best it can be
But I am doubling down in my commitmentto my own Mental Health.Because on this journeyof marriage betrayalI have realized just how importantMental Healthtruly is
and
how fleeting it can feel at times.
And in closing
boy have I learned
so much moreEmpathy
for the pain of others.
I never had any idea of what this felt like
but now on this side of knowledge
I want so much to be able to help others
navigate their roads of pain
and
to learn the importance of
Self Love.
My heart is so much larger than it use to be.
And what a Silver Lining that is.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joyas you style your life.
