Here is Part II. I am 0-1 already, so I’m looking to pick myself up this week and stop this losing streak. More importantly, I am going to try and pick every game this week. No more missed games. I need to pick it up. Anyway, here are my picks this week. Remember these are actual emails from actual readers.
Dolphins @ Jets-
Hey Matt,
Why does everyone hate me? I’m sexy, I’m young, I can run around without my shirt on. Why does everyone want Tebow? He has only won one playoff game. I have won four playoffs games! I am just as good looking as Tebow. I am just as bad of a quarterback, too! Why doesn’t anyone believe in me! Sorry, I got to go. I have a mani-pedi scheduled, and I’m running late.
Mark, New York, NY
Hey Mark, thanks for writing in. I know that it might be hard for you to see past your curly brown locks, but you aren’t playing that well. You have a completion percentage is 53.2%, you have almost as many INTs as TDs, and frankly the Jets aren’t going anywhere this year. The Jets’ fan base is hopeless right now with you at quarterback. So, now the only thing they can do is search for hope, and Tebow is that hope. Right now, it’s like their playing basketball and they are down 40. They have to just start hucking up threes, and to them Tebow is their form of hucking up threes. They are looking for a miracle, and right now they aren’t going to get it from you. So, they might as well try something else. Sorry, Mark.
Pick: Dolphins
Chargers @ Browns-
Hey Matt,
So, we finally had a good September, but everyone is picking the Broncos and Manning to win the AFC West. What’s up with that? We are by far a more talented team. We are younger, faster, and better. So, why is everyone picking the Broncos? Their quarterback is going to be fitted for a neck brace sooner than a Super Bowl ring. Why not us?
Phillip, San Diego, CA
Hey, Phillip, thanks for writing in. Now, you are right about your team having more talent, and finally getting off to a good start. You’re right. I can’t argue with any of the points you made. The thing is, your team is a bunch of chokers. You and the Chargers have repeatedly been unable to win the big game, and your decision making is terrible. You need to take care of the ball. That’s the first thing. You need to worry more about the mental side of the game and less about the physical. Then you can compare yourself to Peyton.
Pick: Chargers
Colts @ Titans-
Hey Matt,
Thanks for taking my email. I had a great game a couple weeks ago against the Packers, but since then I haven’t been doing so well. I couldn’t even throw for a TD against the Browns. What’s wrong with me? Well, besides my voice. How can I stop Ryan Tannehill from over taking me in your Rookie QB rankings?
Thanks for writing in Andrew. I know your game is better when you use your athletic ability and are accurate with your passes. This Titans defense isn’t the best defense and you have to chance to put things together this week. You’re at your best when you are throwing and playing with confidence. Just play your game.
Pick: Colts
Patriots @ Rams-
Hi Matt,
We are game-planning for the Rams, and we are going to take this one game at a time. I am worried, though, and you can’t tell anyone. This secondary is one of the worst I have ever seen. I don’t get why coaches don’t just throw Hail-Marys all game. They will either complete them or we will get called for pass interference. We can’t stop anyone. What am I supposed to do?
Bill, Foxborough, MA
Hey Bill, I know what you are talking about. It’s just painful to watch your games sometimes. You guys made Mark Sanchez look good last week. I just think you need to tell your secondary to turn and look for the ball when it’s in the air. Just look, they don’t even do that. I can’t take it. I feel sometimes I can play better cornerback then that. Just tell them to look for the ball. Ok, Bill. Not that I’m telling you how to do your job or anything.
Pick: Patriots
Jaguars @ Packers-
Hey Matt,
I saw what you wrote about me. I hope you learned your lesson. You think Tom Brady is better than me? Good try, buddy. [Discount-Double-Check] See you in the Super Bowl. Oh, wait. If the Pats can make it there. Doubt it. [Discount-Double-Check]. Latah!
Aaron, Green Bay, WI
Hi…Aaron. Yeah, I don’t really know what to say. I still think you’re a cocky douchebag, but you and the Packers seem to be back in the groove. I don’t think you should punch your ticket to the Super Bowl yet. You got a tougher road to the Super Bowl then the Pats. We’ll talk about this in February.
Pick: Packers
Falcons @ Eagles-
Dear Matt,
Hi. I don’t know what to do. We are at 3-3, and the owner has come out publicly and said that another 8-8 won’t be good enough for me to keep my job. What am I supposed to do? I promoted our offensive-line coach to defensive coordinator in a move that only made sense to me. I am 13-0 off the bye week, but the Falcons are undefeated coming into this one. What can I do to save my job, Matt?
Andy, Philadelphia, PA
Hey, Andy, I know this might sound rude, but you need to change everything you are doing. Michael Vick isn’t a quarterback that should be throwing the ball 40-50 times a game. You need to give the ball to LeSean McCoy and trust that your best players are going to make plays. As far as your defense, it can’t stop the run. That’s okay, though, at least this week. Your pass rush and secondary should give Matt Ryan fits all night. I think your undefeated record on games following a bye will remain and the Falcons’ undefeated record this season will fall. This is your chance to turn your season around. Don’t blow it.
Pick: Eagles
Redskins @ Steelers-
Hey Matt,
Just thought I’d take a little time out of my busy day of leading the league in completion percentage, answering my fan mail, and polishing my Heisman trophy to say thank you for all the positive vibes you’ve been sending my way this year. The coaches deserve all the credit, though. The Shanahans have done a great job of setting me up to succeed. I love Washington, and I can’t wait to take on the battered and bruised Steeler defense this week. I love this job.
Robert, Washington, D.C.
Hey, Rob. Can I call you Rob? Anyway, Rob. You have been out playing everyone expectations. Everyone. You have been far and away the best rookie this year. You have been playing like anything but a rookie, and you look to have NFL experience far beyond your years. Now, get better, and we will be talking about you for years to come.
Pick: Redskins
Seahawks @ Lions-
Things haven’t been going so well. I did a great job of getting the Lions to be good, I’m just having problems getting them to be great. I just need to get over that hump. What can I do?
Jim, Detroit, MI
Thanks for writing in Jim. I think part of the problem is the culture you have created there with the Lions. They don’t have any discipline or smarts. They defense goes out playing angry and that makes them play dumb. I think it’s too late for you to lead them anywhere. You have given them the identity of playing dumb and going out as head hunters. I just think that to get the Lions to be great, they need a coach that will teach them to be great, not good. Sorry.
Pick: Seahawks
Panthers @ Bears-
Hey Matt,
I think that this is my year. I mean. I don’t care if it is or not. I just think it’s my year. We are good. I am good, and when I’m great, we are great. We are going to beat the Giants, 49ers, and Packers. I mean, whatever, but I think we are going to win. I mean, yeah, cool. Super Bowl…
Jay, Chicago, IL
Hey, Jay. I think that the Bears have a legitimate chance at getting the Super Bowl, but you need to be great for them to get there, and to play great football against the three teams you wrote about. It’s time for you to show what you are made of.
Pick: Bears
Raiders @ Chiefs-
Hey Matt,
It’s my time Matt. I’ve waited for so long. Took my time on the Browns, paid my dues on the Broncos, and waited in the wings on the Chiefs. Now is my time. Quinn time. I’m ready. Time to lead the Chiefs back from the brink. Kansas City will know my name.
Brady, Kansas City, MI
Umm…yeah. Good luck with that.
Pick: Raiders
Giants @ Cowboys-
Hi, Matt. This is a big game for us. The Cowboys kicked our teeth in during the first game. How the times changed. If we win this game, we have the division wrapped up. I just take it a game at a time. Then the playoffs, the real season starts.
Eli, New York, NY
Well, Eli. You’re right. You guys have pretty much sewn up a playoff spot with a victory this week, but be careful. The road will be fraught with danger with any team able to knock you off. I think you’re luck has to run out eventually.
Pick: Giants
Saints @ Broncos-
Dear Matt,
Could we turn this thing around? I didn’t think we could, but these last couple weeks have made me think that we could turn it around and make the playoffs. I know, everything is going wrong for us this year, but we are the best example of taking bad karma and turning it into good. Give me some hope.
Drew, New Orleans, LA
Hey Drew, sorry, but I don’t think so. You dug too big a hole it seems. Your offense has been good and it will continue to be, but your defense is questionable. If there is a silver lining it’s that the schedule will be easy. If you can get to 8-8 this year I will be surprised.
Pick: Broncos
49ers @ Cardinals-
Hi Matt,
What should I do? I can’t keep playing my back-up QB. It hurts Alex Smith’s feelings, whatever those are. I need the best out of him. I need him. I hate to say it, but if he doesn’t play good, we can’t win. The defense and the running game can only do so much. We need Alex Smith. I can’t believe I said that.
Jim, San Francisco, CA
I think that you’re right Jim. You can’t win if Alex Smith is throwing interceptions. He doesn’t have to win the game for you. He just has to not lose the game for you. So, keep things simple like you did last year. Run the ball, use it to open the play-action pass, get the lead, and hold it. Just stick to the plan. You need Alex Smith to be good, not great. With Alex Smith playing good, you can win.
Pick: 49ers
