by Ashley Lister
This week's theme is jokes. I believe there are one or two jokes in the following play which was performed at the Dead Good Poets' open mic event yesterday evening.
MacSCottish Play and the Zombies EXT. A desolate moor near Sauciehall Street. Night.SFX: thunderbolt & lightning. Three witches are center stage. One of them holds a cat.
First WitchWhen shall we three meet again?
Second WitchWhat about next Tuesday, for the bingo? That would be nice, wouldn’t it?
Third WitchI have been visited by a prophecy of doom from my pussy.
First Witch(to audience)She means her cat.
Third WitchMy pussy has told me two things: First it has told me the zombies are coming.
Second WitchOoh! That’ll be nice. Usually they just shamble along seeking brains and eating people.
Third WitchAnd, secondly, my pussy has told me that we will meet with the nobleman, Lord MacScottish Play.
Second WitchOoh! A nobleman. How lovely. Will you be washing your pussy before you meet him?
First Witch(to audience)She means her cat.
Third WitchI don’t think there’ll be any need to wash my pussy. He’s Scottish so he won’t be expecting that. [beat] Unless you’re talking about my cat.
Enter MacScottish Play and Banquo
MacScottish PlayFandabidosi. Och aye the noo. Whit urr ye three ladies daein' 'ere?
Banquo[to audience/precise English]Good evening. My name is Banquo and, for the remainder of this play, until my untimely death at some point later in this opening act, I shall be playing the role of the translator for everything said by the noble Lord MacScottish Play.
MacScottish Play[angrily to audience]Ye heckit Sassenach bastards.
Banquo[to audience/translating]Good evening English people. I admire and respect your culture.
First WitchAll hail MacScottish Play, Thane of Cawdor.
Second WitchAll hail MacScottish Play, King of Scotland and slayer of the Zombies.
Third Witch(offering cat to MacScottish Play)All hail MacScottish Play. Would you like to play with my pussy?
MacScottish PlayAh dinnae ken whit ye'r sayin’, yer dunderheided bitches.
Banquo(translating)The Lord MacScottish Play thanks you for your kind greeting but he’s unsure why you’re calling him by these grand titles.
MacScottish Play(nodding)Aye.
(points at Third Witch)Pussy.
Third Witch(offering cat to MacScottish Play)Would you like to play with my pussy?
MacScottish Play(stroking the cat)Ah wid ower clap yer wee moggie. Aye.
MacScottish Play strokes the Third Witch’s cat.
Banquo(to the remaining two witches)What dark business is occurring here? These roads should be safe for travellers like myself and my lovely Lord MacScottish Play. He’s a Scotsman. He’s not used to being accosted by wanton slatterns like yourselves. No offense. Not unless one of you is trying to sell him smack or something. No offense. Or unless one of you is his sister propositioning him for sexual services. No offense. Or offering him a munchy box. No offense. Or a deep friend Mars Bar and neeps. No offense. First WitchWe have been granted a prophecy. Zombies are going to come.
Second WitchI said: ‘that would be nice.’ Usually they only get to shamble places and eat brains in these types of stories. It must be very frustrating for them.
Banquo(aghast – looking around)Zombies here in Scotland? Brainless, empty shells of soulless human beings, killing and consuming without any thought or conscience? How will the zombies have a chance against them?
Enter Zombie
First WitchHere’s one. I told you the zombies were coming.
Second Witch(disappointed)He’s not coming. He’s just walking slowly.
Banquo(to audience)I’ve never understood why anyone would fear zombies. They’re so slow moving and obvious it’s not like they’d be able to sneak up behind someone and take them unsuspecting and unawares.
Zombie attacks Banquo by sneaking up behind him – unsuspecting and unawares. Banquo dies.
ZombieBrains. Must eat brains.
Zombie attacks Second Witch.
ZombieBrains. Must eat brains.
Second WitchOoh! This getting eaten out isn’t as nice as I’d hoped it might be.
Second Witch dies. Zombie attacks Third Witch.
ZombieBrains. Must eat brains.
Third Witch dies. She takes the cat down with her when she falls. MacScottish Play produces a sword and stabs Zombie. Zombie dies.
MacScottish Play(talking to the dead Zombie)Ya bas. Ah wis plooter her moggie.
First WitchWell done Lord MacScottish Play. You saved the world from Zombies and stopped Scotland from becoming home to a race of mindless, inarticulate violent types that are shunned and feared by the rest of the free thinking world.
MacScottish PlayThank f**k for that. We wuddnae huv wanted that tae happen, wid we?
THE END
