The next day, Valentine's Day, I wrote and submitted his obituary to the funeral home. I must have known it was Valentine's Day because I made little love notes for my boys and bought them heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, I have photos to prove it. But to be honest, the day is a complete blur in my sharp memory. I also wrote a piece and published it on my blog, raw and loosely edited, processing - something about him being like a fragile bird and me holding his hand one last time. Honestly, I've not gone back to read it since the week of his death.
Now.
I pulled up photo files of him this morning, looking at them with a sad calm and acceptance of what is.
I made sweet notes for my boys and slipped into the chocolate shop for little heart-shaped boxes of edible love. I am here, and if there is one thing about me that has changed the most between last year at this time and now, it is that I love harder. Way harder. And I feel lightness deep in my soul that was never there before.
Today Sully and I held hands as we left the house for his Valentine's Day party at school. He told me I was his valentine, I squeezed his hand in acceptance. A chickadee jumped from branch to branch singing chik-a-dee-dee chick-a-dee-dee. I looked up at the blue sky and smiled. Thank You, I said.
Thank you for coming back into my life. Thank you for rattling me to the core, and then giving me a chance to forgive. I learned. I did. Thank you for this peace.
Wishing all of you much love this day and every day. xo, katie
