I spend much time these daysfocusing on the beauty in my life.
I have a truly grateful heart for so much beauty in my everyday.
But so much of the focus on the beauty many timesis an attempt to outrun the pain.
To fill my heart with the good and bright in an attempt to outrunand not succumb the darknessI feel inside.
Some days
the exhaustion of this run
catches up with me.
And I realize I must stop to acknowledgethe truth of my painnot to dwell in the heartachebut rather to let it outso it doesn't fester and become worse.
I believe I need to acknowledge the painso I don't feel so frantic in my attempt to distance myselfthinking I can outrun it's clutchesby casting huge nets of gratitude over my life.
Maybe it is by acknowledging and owning out sadnesswe can make both sense and peace with it.
Maybe it is even with a broken heart of darknessthat we can truly see the light most brightly.
Maybe life is really about finding balance in the good and the bad in life.
Many times in life I have witnessedthe best and the worst of lifein the very same moments.
When I met and fell in love with my husbandmy sister would pass soon afterwards.It took some time to learn to navigatethe road of the immensity of true lovewith the anguishing grief of loss.
Maybe we are meant to learn to holdall of life in our heart at oncein order to remember to truly bring focus to savoring the good and beautiful.
These daysI live with life's dualityon a regular basis.
On the one hand my life has never been better.
I have so very much to be overwhelmingly grateful for.I also have the supreme luxuryof deciding each dayhow to spend my dayan artistic freedomI have yearned for my entire life.I have finally achieved this quest.
But each day I also have an aching empty heartas my children have moved on with their livesand I am left with one I don't even recognize.
But the greatest heartache is the continual estrangement of our oldest son.
I wrote about it here and here on Mother's Day.
The situation is looking even bleaker these days.
So I think for me I need to stop todaytake a breathfully acknowledge the painin an attempt to contain itand
not let it spread like a wildfire into every aspect of my life.
Instead of running from it todayI will take my power backby acknowledging it's presence.
With the self knowledgethat I am strongI can learn to make peace with painandbecome strongerandmore loving because of it.
I will continue to ask myself
What Can I Learn From This.
When I feel like I will be pulled underby the feelings of lossI will remember how …
on his 20th birthday two weeks agoa day I feared I could not get through
knowing he wanted nothing to do with our family
I found myselfin the soul affirming Carribeanon a catamaranfilled with happy soulsas the sun was setting
against the skyline of Cancuunat the very moment of his birthby no planning of my own.
I truly felt the gift of divine intervention.
I will always remember that momentbecause I truly believe there is ever so much more to lifethan what we can see today.
I pressed that sacred momentdeep into my heart never to be forgotten
as a perfect memory
of the miracles and magic
that can still happen …
even amongst the pain in our heart
and
sometimes
precisely when we need them the most.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joyas you style your life
