Humor Magazine

Let's Stir Up the Boycott Pot

By Dianelaneyfitzpatrick

Let's Stir Up the Boycott Pot I am so, so, so, so, extremely so sorry to do this, but I have to get back to this Men Boycotting American Women thing.

I know, I know, I should just drop it, but the guy keeps coming onto my blog and posting stuff. He doesn’t allow comments on his blog, so I’m left with no choice but to voice my snarky opinions over here, where we’re all about free will and First Amendment rights.

He keeps saying that we’re whining about the boycott. {{awkward}}} because we’re not. We’re not upset about the boycott. We’re making fun of the boycott.

Anywho . . .

Just a little background here: Over at his website, he’s got all these American men chiming in on how bitchy and money-grubbing American girls are. And how we watch The Hills and Sex in the City so much. They bring up cats a lot; as in you American women will soon be lesbians living with 10 cats. (Like that’s something we wouldn’t want?) They also provide lots of specifics. One post talks about how annoying it is when American women heat something up in the microwave and burn little pieces of plastic in the corners of the food. (My husband is probably thinking, “Well, he does have a point there.”)

Daniel from San Francisco . . . Donald in DC . . . Paul from Elwinsger . . . they’ve all decided that they’ve been burned one too many times by an American woman and they’re not going to take it anymore, goddamnit. 

I am fascinated by this site. Much like people are fascinated by stories of the Holocaust or that French guy who ate an airplane. You’ve heard the expression, “It’s like a bad car wreck; You can’t look away”? Kinda like that. This site off and on takes the place of Hoarders and Toddlers and Tiaras for me.

I’m about 100 percent sure it’s one prolific and extremely pissed off guy who’s writing all the posts. He makes an effort to make each one sound a little bit different, but there’s a common language style thread running through all of them that has me convinced it’s one man. Plus the spelling and grammar is way too good. Based on what I’ve seen on blog comments and message boards, more than half of these guys wouldn’t be able to spell their way out of a paper bag. And if I’m right and this boycott is just one guy, my hat’s off to you, dude. Between the writing and the spamming and following up with comments every few weeks - and I mean you’re all over the Internet, ALL over - no wonder you don’t have time to watch TV. 

My sick interest in this site has me going over there every time he adds a comment to my blog. It’s usually the same old stuff, but then about two weeks ago, I saw this:

12 steps for American women to take before they get totally boycotted

This suggests that the current boycott isn’t quite 100 percent yet. That it could get worse and become a total boycott. So listen up:

To American women:

If you don't want us American men to shun you, I recommend you:

1. Learn financial responsibility.

2. Stop running to the government to continue your little game of one-upmanship against us that allows you to be dependent on our hard-earned money.

3. Lose weight and learn how to stay in shape without doing drugs or developing eating disorders.

4. Stop cheating on us.

5. Stop claiming that you want a "nice-guy" while instead you only go for yuppies, pick-up-artists, players, thugs, badboys, and douchebags.

6. Stop selling yourself out to the latest trends and develop TRUE individuality

7. Drop the self-entitlement

8. Drop the American ego. America's not perfect, so everyone has to stop strutting around like we are.

9. Stop watch all of that shallow crap (like the Hills) that everyone puts on TV. There's more to life than pop-culture, and it has already messed up our society.

10. Learn to appreciate when a nice guy helps you with something, and remember him (don't just throw on the charm just so you can use him and chuck him aside).

11. Stop complaining that you keep getting used, abused, fucked and chucked for someone else, Unless you stop chasing after assholes (like the ones mentioned in #5).
12. Repeal IMBRA. There are more effective ways of preventing abuse, and it violates our rights to tie the knot with whoever we want. This is obviously just an attempt to narrow the field for us. If you want people to be interested in American women, then get rid of these laws so you can prove that you are just as good as foreign women. If you don't repeal them, you are just proving that you can't compete and that you have no intention of improving yourselves.

* Keep in mind, every second you waste, you are only losing the respect of men. If you do not improve your ways, it will mean the end of this country as we know it. If it does, I will be in some other country before it all goes down.

I only have one problem with this list: There shouldn’t be a comma before “and douchebags.”
I've done #1-11, but I'm having a little bit of difficulty with #12, since I'm not a member of the U.S. Congress. Repealing IMBRA, which prevents criminals from bringing foreign women over to the U.S. as mail-order brides, might require at least a master's degree and a big campaign chest.
I'll work on it. Meanwhile, stay the eff off my blog.

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