A few weeks ago I did a very silly thing, that turned out to be a great adventure. I started an online profile in a not-very-safe place; a website intended for some pretty sordid uses. I went there as an experiment; to see what I would encounter, what I would learn, what I would witness. I used a fake name and a fake location, and a photo in which I was barely recognisable. I started chatting to others on this site – people who were, for the most part, extremely lonely, and misunderstood, and full of shame. I shared hidden parts of myself with these people, and even allowed a couple of them into my real life. One of them started writing poetry about me and the things I spoke about with him. I never met this man, but some of the things he wrote made me think I made myself truly known to him, through those black and white messages. There were others, too; men less kind and humane in their desires, who saw me, and recognised me, and very nearly caught me. It is scary sometimes to feel seen my monsters, and loved by them for what they find in you.
masochism works
learn through play,
learn through pain.
cornered, surrounded
sharing a space
closing in,
from torrential rain
driving towards, driving away.
unnoticed hours
choices, agreed, removed
takes effort from two.
sweating, balancing
curves drops falling about you
flooding in, filling your gaze
link up days.
out at night
chance, chase, setup
roguish quick persistent blunt
modern girl stays busy
dreams of other worlds,
those who move through them.
back to the room then,
stories straps and tables
working till she's unable
to play reluctant
passed concentration to instinct
choices removed
lead by the hair,
performance time
bathing, motion, connection, going blind
never having to force a smile
what led you to your wilder side?
(Author Unknown)