Humor Magazine

LASIK Update: I Can Still See Clearly Now

By Dianelaneyfitzpatrick

Lasik Inventor

It’s been a couple of years since I had my vision corrected the way a good American should, with non-essential surgery that isn’t covered by insurance and which keeps a slew of doctors in Rolexes and Porsches.

I had LASIK surgery at what was essentially a LASIK factory in Florida. We were rolled in, prepped, zapped, a pair of disposable sunglasses slapped on our faces, a complimentary coffee mug pressed into our hands, and sent on our way. We never saw each other; we were kept at different stations, and every time I thought I heard another patient coming near, I’d get drops put in my eyes. But I sensed the presence of other surgerees. I knew that this particular medical factory performed thousands of the same procedure. I found comfort in that fact, much like cattle is comforted by modern herding mechanisms at the slaughterhouse.

With a few exceptions, it’s going really well. I was told that I might still need reading glasses, but only for very fine print and bad lighting. This is true. I don’t need them to read recipes in the kitchen, but I need them to thread a needle in my Underground Craft Lair. I don’t need them to read the paper, but there are times that I have to use context clues to figure out what I’m reading on my phone. The other day I was able to read a quote meme on Facebook, but couldn’t read the source. It was either Leon Uris or Paula Abdul. Either way, I’m now inspired to believe in myself, follow my heart, and have no regrets.

I was told that when my eyes got dry, I wouldn’t feel it as you might expect. The sign of dry eyes is impaired vision. This also is true. First thing in the morning, before I can put my drops in, I can’t even make out what Leon or Paula is telling me to do.

I was told that I might need glasses just for night driving, because of a sometimes annoying halo effect around headlights. This is not true. I don’t see halos. I’m able to drive at night about as well as I ever could, which means that I get crabby if it’s raining.

The best part of having had LASIK is that after a lifetime of wearing glasses and various forms of contact lenses, I can finally see who I’m swimming with. For years I might have been in the pool with Amelia Earhart, Bobby Fischer, and Waldo, all four of us splashing, hitting each other with noodles, and playing Marco! Polo! and I’d be the last to know.

I can also answer my phone from bed on the first ring. Pre-LASIK, I would have to grope around for my glasses before I could answer. My blindness without glasses threw all of my other senses into turmoil, making it impossible for me to get my bearings and hear anything. My sense of smell may have been compromised also, but I can’t say for sure.

The whole thing was so successful, I’ve forgotten all about those old days of losing contact lenses down sink drains, in the grass, and behind my eyeballs into my brain, and leaving a trail of lost reading glasses through eight states.

I would recommend for everyone. Even those of you who are squeamish about having lasers shot into your eyes. Helen Keller once said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”  Either her or Kris Jenner.

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If you liked this, you’ll like these:

LASIK Me - The one where my husband gets LASIK surgery and I can’t let him get away with all the bragging.

Mono-a-Mono Vision, I Heart You - The one where I test what it’s like to see the world like non-old person.

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Read more of Diane’s Just Humor Me columns hereSign up for our weekly e-newsletter to get new blog post notifications. And if you like her blog, you’ll love her book, Home Sweet Homes: How Bundt Cakes, Bubble Wrap, and My Accent Helped Me Survive Nine Moves.

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