Orchids from my mother’s collectionBy Isis Win
I have read so much convulsion about J.K. Rawling declaration that he has the answer to the conundrum of gender assignation. She claims to have the proper knowledge to stop a person from experiencing gender incongruence. Gosh! I hope she is true because I would love to try it!
You do not know me, so I may wonder why on earth would I like to go through that, right? Well, all started when I was a little boy. I do not recall precisely, but it could not be more than 8 YO, possibly 6. The reason I believe those numbers if because that is the age I was when I went to visit my cousins during summer vacation. Just three years. At that time, I played with my male cousin and his two sisters. We mostly played ball games, and sometimes the girls protested not wanting more ball games, so would play something else. One day, they wanted to play tea. We all agreed, and they suggested we dress in their clothes. My male cousin did not want to change his clothes, but I was more than drawn to do so. I have wanted to dress in girl’s clothes I do not remember since when, but I could not because I had no girl’s clothes to wear. My sister was too little for me to fit into hers.
We dressed, played, and when my aunt saw us, she gave me a hard time. She was gentle and sweet, so no harm was done, but she warned me that if I would do that again, she would have to tell my mother. I did not want any trouble with my mother. However, the following year we met again, and this time I asked them if I could wear their clothes. They consented, and I was dress as a girl, and I remember perfectly well how immensely happy I was. That changed because I was discovered again, and the warning this time was pretty scary. I stopped doing that, and we did not get together again, except when parties, celebrations, etc.
After the second experience, I learned boys are boys and girls are girls. So, anything girlie seeing in me would be pretty bad, and chances of facing mother, even dad, were too high. Throughout the rest of my life, I had thoughts about it, and from time to time during my teens, I wore my mother’s clothes, her lipstick, hair adorns, etc. it was great, and it was terrible. Fear, shame, and guilt wrapped me pretty badly afterward, so I promise to myself never to do it again.
I did it a few more times, but each time I swore not doing it again. The itch to do it never stopped, but the older I became, the more information I got about something I should not do ever! I pretty much turned off that light and remained shut down until I reached my fifties. All I knew is that such was wrong, bad, sinful, and deserving of a bad penalty. Punishment for being a man trying to be a woman. That became my secret that I kept for so long, but it never stopped bothering me. I tried counselors, but that did nothing for me because I was not able to open my mouth about it!
I was getting closer to my mid-fifties when I started to realize that what I experienced was not unique, bad, and sinful or anything that should produce me fear, guilt, and shame, so I started to open a tiny crack to see it. My mind always fought that inclination of mine. But the call was more substantial, much larger, so I avoided to dress again, while I struggled – not just because that call – but how on earth I felt being a woman while being a man is a much cooler gender. Men can do everything and anything and everyone celebrates that, instead women, well you know. Everything that came into my mind was opposed to considering that stupid thought. Frankly, the whole thing seemed to be a stupid idea. When I reached my mid-fifties, something was bothering so much that finally, I checked in with a therapist, opened my big, tiny mouth, and started to unveil what was inside of myself. One thing leads to another one, and at some point, I considered the possibility of attending a conference for people like myself. People that can find congruence in their born gender. I spent an entire week living as a woman. I attended several workshops, talk to dozens of people with a similar issue, had breakfast, lunch, and dinner as a woman, I even went clubbing as a woman! When I was returning home from that week, my thoughts were: I have never felt so great in my entire life. Everything felt normal, and for the first time in my life, I felt so complete! I never wanted to go back to my old self. Well, that is easy, simple, and pain-free to say. However, I took my time, continue working with a therapist, and finally, I arrived at a place that I knew, I am embracing myself as who and what I am and I have never done that before. I started my plans to transition after coming out to my family: mother, siblings, wife, daughters, and friends. I lost most of my friends, but the family stayed with me.
A little more than fifteen years ago, I was engaged in HRT (hormones) started to live like a normal woman, and I never went back to my old self, to whom I am incredibly grateful for keeping up with me and my issue. However, it was time to say bye to that dear friend of mine.
The following fifteen years after that move have been greater than anything I experienced before. Both ends, the black and white feelings, and experiences in life became many folds more intense, but as well, both are quire gratifying. I am glad to have the opportunity of having this unique chance in life, although it came so late but it is worth it.
What J.K Rawling is offering is nothing short but bullshit. It is impossible to reverse what is not. Denying one’s self is the worst of all the worst mistakes a human being could make. I learned that after fifty-some years of life and whatever I have left, I will treasure it as it has been my entire life. Because the reality found is: this is my whole life. Denying it was painful, harsh, numbing, humiliating, deprecating, and much more. So I can’t envision how someone thinks to be capable of creating a conversion that denies the self and life. That is how little she knows about gender incongruence. So how can she bring congruence? The lady, regardless of how talented, smart, and wealthy she is, is clueless not just about gender congruence but about life. Maybe she does not know what that is – because- if she would, instead of thinking something so demeaning, she would think something that builds character, self-confidence, and love, and she would sponsor young people that lack the means and support to find themselves in a society that is lost itself. Do I need to say more?
