It was a very grown-up thing to be doing, again I was reminded. Perhaps my mother expected me to ‘kick off’, to use modern parlance, though I never had done before and any slight attempt on my part to be anything less than perfectly behaved would have met with her cross face and a warning tap. I hated that face. Something strange happened with her mouth and her eyes, transforming my otherwise glamorous, attractive mother into an old-looking scary witch. Of course, it’s not a look I was overly familiar with. I was born flawless and had impeccable, lady-like manners by the age of two, apparently. So, here was my sensible, six-year-old self waiting patiently in the departure lounge of Ringway Airport – Manchester International these days – clutching my chosen toy from the airport shop, a Comet aeroplane, the same sort of jet that we would be flying on. Soon we would be embarking on the real thing. Air travel, and I was grown-up enough.
I was going on holiday to Jersey with my parents and uncle, my father’s brother. I sat by the window with my toy Comet resting on its stand, placed on the pull-down table in front of me. We were airborne before I knew it. The mosaic I could see through the window was actually the ground so far below me and I was fascinated but what thrilled me more than anything was the miniature salt and pepper shakers we were given with our in-flight snack.
Many years later, I found my first Atlantic crossing filled me with apprehension. I hadn’t been up close to a Jumbo Jet before and I couldn’t imagine something so huge would make it off the ground. It did, but I found the physical force of take-off a little worrying. Trust me to be making this trip when the popular aeroplane disaster movies were fresh in my mind. I was travelling alone to stay with family in the U.S.A. and would be met at the airport. It was a relief to arrive unscathed.
After our honeymoon in Jersey, we made return trips and it became a favorite place of ours before we had our children. We returned for a family holiday which was their first trip in a plane and a grown-up thing to be doing. I had come full circle.
I think I might need a refresher course in ‘lady-like’. If my mother is watching over me she might agree, as long as she’s not doing that cross face.
Here’s Simon Armitage, our new Poet Laureate,
Thank You For Waiting
At this moment in time we’d like to invite
First Class passengers only to board the aircraft. Thank you for waiting. We now extend our invitation
to Exclusive, Superior, Privilege and Excelsior members,
followed by triple, double and single Platinum members,
followed by Gold and Silver Card members,
followed by Pearl and Coral Club members.
Military personnel in uniform may also board at this time. Thank you for waiting. We now invite
Bronze Alliance Members and passengers enrolled
in our Rare Earth Metals Points and Reward Scheme
to come forward, and thank you for waiting. Thank you for waiting. Accredited Beautiful People
may now board, plus any gentleman carrying a copy
of this month’s Cigar Aficionado magazine, plus subscribers
to our Red Diamond, Black Opal or Blue Garnet promotion.
We also welcome Sapphire, Ruby and Emerald members
at this time, followed by Amethyst, Onyx, Obsidian, Jet,
Topaz and Quartz members. Priority Lane customers,
Fast Track customers, Chosen Elite customers,
Preferred Access customers and First Among Equals customers
may also now board. On production of a valid receipt travellers of elegance and style
wearing designer and/or hand-tailored clothing
to a minimum value of ten thousand US dollars may now board;
passengers in possession of items of jewellery
(including wristwatches) with a retail purchase price
greater than the average annual salary
of a mid-career high school teacher are also welcome to board.
Also welcome at this time are passengers talking loudly
into cellphone headsets about recently completed share deals
property acquisitions and aggressive takeovers,
plus hedge fund managers with proven track records
in the undermining of small-to-medium-sized ambitions.
Passengers in classes Loam, Chalk, Marl and Clay
may also board. Customers who have purchased
our Dignity or Morning Orchid packages
may now collect their sanitised shell suits prior to boarding. Thank you for waiting.
Mediocre passengers are now invited to board,
followed by passengers lacking business acumen
or genuine leadership potential, followed by people
of little or no consequence, followed by people
operating at a net fiscal loss as people.
Those holding tickets for zones Rust, Mulch, Cardboard,
Puddle and Sand might now want to begin gathering
their tissues and crumbs prior to embarkation. Passengers either partially or wholly dependent on welfare
or kindness, please have your travel coupons validated
at the Quarantine Desk. Sweat, Dust, Shoddy, Scurf, Faeces, Chaff, Remnant,
Ash, Pus, Sludge, Clinker, Splinter and Soot;
all you people are now free to board. by Simon Armitage Thanks for reading, Pam x
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