I've had a hard time showing up to this place the past few weeks. And when I do, I sometimes feel like I'm here because I have to be, not because I want to be.
This may sound completely crazy and to some extent yes, maybe it is. But this place has become my escape, my sanctuary. On good days and bad days, I've been able to show up here and pour my heart out. Sometimes a lot of people stop by to see what craziness I have going on and sometimes I feel like no one even notices I've published a new post.
There have been days when I've posted lighthearted posts about The Bachelor and other nonsense and somedays when I get real deep about my feelings with body image. A lot of blogs produce certain types of post and content... not me. I'm a spaz, and although I have ideas for posts and plan to some extent, a lot of things happen the morning of or in the five minutes I have before someone needs wiped or fed.
I feel like I struggle with "work" life balance. Z works demanding hours and by the time he gets home, I want to spend it with him... not in front of my computer. There have been days where I've been super bored and lonely and others where I forget to breathe I'm so busy. On those days, blogging is the last thing on my mind.
I've been at this gig for almost 4 years now, and have found so much pleasure and so much stress at the same time. Sometimes the words flow easily from under my fingertips and other times I struggle to get out the first sentence.
My kids are little. I've seen so many articles floating around about how parents wish they wouldn't have told their kids to hurry and how quickly time goes when you're not looking. And then I feel guilty. I feel guilty for saying "I'm almost done with this post" or "we have to stop at Target and get something for this post"... But then I think that if I worked full time, I wouldn't be home nearly as much and so I shouldn't feel guilty working and doing things for myself during the day.
They always say to soak up the time and be more present. To enjoy this time while they're young because it goes so fast. And it does. But how do you know if you're soaking it up as much as you can. Does that mean putting down the phone or getting off the computer and staying of it all day? I mean, I like to think I'm pretty good at multi-tasking but then I wonder if I'm really there or if I'm scrolling through my emails as I'm playing superheroes or house. Am I doing a good job? Am I the mom I want to be?
I don't know. I don't know about a lot of things and quite frankly, I've been so stressed out with getting everything up and organized in this house that I feel like I haven't sat down to catch my breath in weeks. Every time I sit down to play trains or "airport", I'm thinking about how the shelves need hung or the carpet needs vacuumed.
There needs to be a balance; a set time when I work on blog stuff and other writing gigs and a time to be completely involved with my kids. A time to go to the playground and a time to respond to emails. I keep saying I'm going to get on a schedule and figure all of this out and I don't. So as soon as the dust settles from our move, that's my first priority. Figuring out how to balance my time better.
I don't want to look back and feel like I wasted time or regret doing or not doing the things I wanted to. I blog because it's for me; and after taking care of everyone else, it's my own little time and space to escape to. I won't regret that... but I may regret doing it during time I could have been spending with my kids. Will I ever find a balance? I don't know... but something has got to give...
How do you balance blogging and life? Or work and life? How do you make sure you're delegating your time to the right things?
